To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

You're right op, he should have apologised to you when he left, and he has had plenty of time to apologise to you since, it's weird how a lot of posters are saying you are bitter and need to make it up to him but don't seem to think he owes you a simple sorry

I am invested in this thread now and your happiness. I have read every comment. I wish you were there in real life to chat to.

My overwhelming thoughts are that, at best, your mother is hurt and that has made her selfish. I won’t go further to the worst position. At best, your father did everything he could to maintain a relationship.

I do think that your whole perspective has been warped by one side. What have you got to lose by speaking to your dad? Well maybe you lose your mother... But who on earth in their right mind doesn’t want to have their kids in contact and a loving relationship with their ‘real dad‘ or ‘real mum’ (as long as they haven’t done something abusive of course).

Who?

Hi I wanted to update. I have read and re read all your replies several times now. I still have not made a decision about what I am going to do. There is still hurt and anger there but I am now seriously questioning everything that happened since my dad left. I have also been reading up on parental alienation. This is all I feel okay to say at the moment. But I want to thank you all again for how much help and advise you have given to me.

I wish you all the best for the future @buildingourdreams it can't have been easy for you to read these replies & get your head around. Take care of yourself x

It must be so hard to change years of thinking, good for you, I hope you can find some resolution. Thanks for coming back and letting us know.

Take whatever time you need to process, it is a lot to get your head around.

When we've been fed something for a long time and it is suddenly questioned, it can really shake your very foundations. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but can take time to get used to.

That’s kind of you to update. Good luck working your way through it ❤️

If you choose to make contact and hear his side of the story, please prepare yourself, you may hear things about your DM that you'd rather not know.

I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope whatever you decide brings you some peace and works out for the best for all concerned.

Thanks everyone

A couple of other things

We moved house when I was about 12. I don't know whether my dad was ever told or given our new address. I can't remember asking

Also I have not really mentioned the OW ...it has occurred to me she was exactly my age I am now when she got with my dad.

Not sure what I make of either of those observations and obviously they're unconnected
Just wanted to put them down somewhere.

You've got lots to navigate there OP. That OW was your age at the time must resonate. Sounds as though you wouldn't have been encouraged to ask about your dad and check he knew where you were back then, even as children we know which conversations aren't welcomed at home.

Everyone will choose a path in life and we all make different choices and mistakes along the way. We are all only human. You are looking forward rather than back OP, your dad might not be who you thought he was. The future has possibilities to explore. Take your time when your go searching, keep an open mind and lead with kindness - you won't go far wrong. Wishing you all the best on the journey.

But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids

How on earth is this betraying his original family?

That's exactly what OPs father did; he moved into shared accommodation and continued to financially support and see his daughter. She gave him the ultimatum months down the line. Have you not actually read the previous posts?

But that's exactly what your mother did to her first husband; she left and took his children. You still aren't clear on how long they had been separated before your parents had you, and do you have any idea why your mum and her first husband split? Did one of them have an affair, or did your mum just fall out of love and decide to leave (you know, like your dad did)?

Your mum made promises to her first husband and then left him after only a few short years. She sounds rather like your father, yet you think that's okay?

Jesus.
So if parents are deeply unhappy, you still feel they should waste their life and be unhappy? What an utterly selfish person you are

On the one hand, forgiving him would be healthier for you, and would set an example for your children, to not hold grudges.

On the other, no amount of mental gymnastics can make his behaviour okay. I don't understand the assumptions others are making, ie.
"He left our mother" = "He must have been unhappy" or
"He left for the OW" = "He must have fallen in love"

None of us can know what he was thinking, but from the people I have known, there is a certain type who only notices he is "unhappy" when something younger and shinier is on offer.

Regardless, why not spend much less energy on him and more on your DC, and how you can teach them that we do forgive others, but that certain behaviours are wrong and cause others pain. And while we may all try to move on, our actions have consequences.

I think your mum should have shielded you more, you sound like you were too aware of intricacies of.your their relationship issues far too young.

What happened between your mum and her first husband?

If you can, your best bet would be counselling.

You need help to unpick all this

Ah OP, I come from a large extended family full of shitty fathers, and mine was probably the shittiest of the lot. I have seen too many relatives hold on to their bitterness, their entire lives, and it's eaten them from the inside.

I don't think you have to forgive your father, but I do think you have to choose: either start rebuilding with him, or move on - and yes that does mean stop taking his money!

I wondered if this was a reverse when I first read it, i cant believe you cant see what's happened here?

Your mum has alienated you against your dad. You've said yourself he tried to maintain contact until you tried to make him choose between you and his partner. He sends money when you ask and sends for your children who he hasnt met to.

What has he done wrong exactly? Not wanted to be in a relationship with your mum? He still wanted a relationship with you,

It feels like you think your dads selfish but not your mum? I think your mum is selfish for letting her own anger and bitterness spread to her daughter which meant her daughter has been without a father for how ever many years? Shes let you walk around with all this hurt and anger and shes enjoyed it to an extent

Why did he need to go to court? Your mum wasnt stopping him, you chose not to. Court couldnt of enforced that and like a decent person he respected your wishes.

My mum has done the exact same with our youngest sister about our parents divorce. My youngest sister is so angry at our dad and so focused on our parents relationship and what our dad "did wrong" our house had to be sold too and we started renting, it was shit. But, I bet it would of been even shitter for our parents to stay in a relationship where one person was deeply unhappy

I think you really need to look at what roles your parents played here. It doesnt seem to me like your dad is the bad guy here

I wonder how much of this bitterness you are holding into that is your mums…? It’s not reasonable to be so bitter about him leaving, he may have been hugely unhappy with your mum and he is allowed to find happiness elsewhere.

my mum left us when I was 7 and she stopped being mum altogether but I hold no anger toward her

My dad left me before I was born and I am 9 now

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