To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I agree with you op.

I actually think a lot of children don't forgive the parent who leaves. Or the parent who causes/instigates the break up.

Fgs people! She was 10 when she decided she would not see him. It was not a "terrible " decision-nothing is, at that age. You should read the OP, and try to be nicer. If you have the wherewithal.

Unfortunately it’s nearly always the dad who leaves, whether he wants to or not.

as I said default care is always with mum, and it’s very hard to change that. So mum ad dc stay in the family home, dad leaves, regardless of who instigated the split.

it’s extremely rare that mum leaves, even if she wants the split.

I don't think I could do this to my mum. I have heard and seen enough, not sure I need his "side". I know his side already - he thought with his dick the grass is greener and is now living with the consequences of abandoning his family which are that he no longer gets to see me and has never met his gc.

The OP also needs to try to be a 'nicer' and at least give her DF a chance to relay his side of things.
The double standards regarding her mother's children is laughable.
Yes, she was 10 when she asked her DF to choose but she is an adult now who needs to move past the 10 year old child's simplistic view of life. The OP is stuck in her 10 year old self emotionally and therefore would benefit from therapy to get past this which is totally understandable.

From your latest update OP @jesseastmids I would suggest your DM needs some therapy too do get over the break up of her marriage. I still don't understand why her first relationship not working out is ok but your DF leaving is not?

I'm sorry for your experience. But it's not the exact same position. The OP said "After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore."

He never pretended she didn't exist, rather she cut him off when he didn't agree to her ultimatum. It's understandable why a 10 year old would want that, but from an adult perspective, I don't think it's fair to expect a parent to remain single or trapped in an unhappy relationship for ever.

Asking him for money is pretty grubby don’t you think?

Punishing him won't change what's happened. If you're not prepared to see him then you probably need some therapy - it seems as if your anger is hurting you more than it's hurting him. If you're going to cut him off completely, then do it completely and stop asking him for money.

Because your mum broke up their happy family.... with the only difference being the leaving parent got to take the children.

"Punishing him won't change what's happened. If you're not prepared to see him then you probably need some therapy - it seems as if your anger is hurting you more than it's hurting him. If you're going to cut him off completely, then do it completely and stop asking him for money."

Exactly this ^

I think if your mum told you about this affair at 10 years old then she is partly to blame for your feelings. You don't put that on a child. You tell them mum and dad don't love each other anymore, and unless there is abuse you let the non resident parent see the child as much as possible.

It sounds like parental alienation to me. I get it would have been horrible for your mum, but no 10 year old should be shouldering the burden of their parents split like that.

I think therapy would be a good idea.

No one owes it to a child to stay in an unhappy marriage. That is infinitely more harmful to a child’s well-being than having two separated parents.

I have a lot of sympathy OP. But, the person who is hurt most here is still you - you sound still very stuck in the same cycle of hurt and rejection you felt as a child. Your Dad's new family is still a slap in the face to you.
I don't think you won't get any satisfactory answers or resolve this better until you let it go. What that looks like only you can tell - maybe therapy, maybe forgiveness.
I am LC with my Dad following decades of his selfish behaviour. (Including divorce, remarriage, more children and huge amounts of lies and poor behaviour). It's been hugely frustrating for me and taken a long time for me to find peace in the situation, but I (mostly) have it now. It's hard and I sympathise, but you will benefit if you can move on and feel less angry.

The problem here is your mother, not your father. I can see why he was unhappy with her, if she is so self centered that she dragged her young child into her divorce in such a toxic way.

You may want to have some therapy to help you re-evaluate the situation you lived through, I can almost guarantee that you will find the greater poison to have come from your mother.

It doesn't sound like your father did anything wrong, and coped with your mother's alienation as best he could.

My father left my mother when I was a baby, and had two more children within 3 years.

My mother never said a bad word about him to us, and I maintained a good relationship with him until he died, 25 years later. He was a shit husband and a fairly crap father, but I loved him and am glad I kept a good relationship with him.

He's a shit parent. YANBU AT all. Take him for whatever you want and do not feel bad about it. No good person chooses their new girlfriend over their own child - they would do whatever it takes to care for their child. He didn't do that.

He left your mum, not you. Sounds like he put the effort in until you told him where to go. He respected your wishes while not allowing blackmail from a child. He always paid as he should. I don't really see that he's done much wrong, other than to your mam.

Your mam clearly let you know far more than she should at the time. Crap behaviour, but understandable. This childhood knowledge, lacking adult nuance, is where you're still stuck.

You are obviously under no obligation to have a relationship with him, but you need to stop begging from someone you actively dislike; have you no shame or self respect?

If affordable, I'd maybe look into some therapy to end this 10 year old mindset. If not to build a relationship with your father, then just for personal (and lest your own relationship end during your DCs childhood).

Maybe they were happy until OW came along? They had been together 11 years, its easy for a head to be turned by a younger, newer person, I may be only 25 but I am not naive, I know this can and does happen. Mum said they were happy sooooo

It was hell for my mum, we had to sell the family home and go into rented. Meanwhile I see on social media a few years later them him and Ow buying their beautiful house and it is all done up by my dad just like he did our house. Mum used to be a stay at home parent while he went to work, but when he fucked off she had to go to work while also dealing with her family and life being blown apart. She is okay now by the way she has a partner of ten years to someone who asked up thread x

I think your mum allowed you too much information as a child tbh. You still sound as hurt now as you were as a child and it's not healthy. I think now, as an adult you need to cut all ties or make amends for your own sake. Your dad fell in love with someone else, which evidently has lasted until now. Your mum was wrong to involve you as a child. As a parent if my DD's father left us and met someone else I would shelter them from it as much as possible & encourage them to see their dad and I wouldn't have told them about any of the adult things going on. I feel your mum has done you a disservice here and it's still affecting you now. People are allowed to move on and find love elsewhere, you chose not to see him anymore. He still reaches out, sends gifts and money and tries to maintain a relationship. It's selfish to keep taking from him and giving nothing back now that you are an adult.

Your mum is not coming out of this well OP. You have every right to have a relationship with your own father.

If you simply having a conversation with him is somehow a terrible thing to do to your mum, either you're worrying needlessly about her feelings, or she is making you responsible for her emotions and she needs to grow up. As a parent she should be encouraging you to do whatever's best for you.

I think what your mother has done by involving you far too much and obviously still bad mouthing your dad to you is far worse than what he did. Also completely double standards as she had left a previous relationship with children!

I guess it's not the same. When I was 11, I wasn't even told my father had an affair or even that my parents got divorced. One day my cousin took myself and younger brother to a resort during our holidays to catch up with my father because we hadn't seen him in so long. On the second night we were sat down for dinner with my cousin, my father arrived with his new wife and baby daughter. He did not even introduce us. His wife was rubbing our faces in it and saying how lucky my father was to have a daughter like her. My brother and I did not say one word all night. My brother and I cried in our hotel room for the full week. Random guests would check in on us to see if we were ok. When it came for our cousin to take us home , my father didn't even bother to say goodbye. I really despise that woman and everything she has done to our family.

"Mum said they were happy sooooo"

But that's just her side of the story.

I think, in the kindest possible way, you were allowed too much information, control and say over the situation when you were 10, and it seems to have left you stuck in this immature sort of mindset which is making you try desperately to avoid having to change your narrative of What Definitely Happened. Therapy is probably the answer as pps have said. You might find a time comes in your life when you ask others for more understanding and less judgement than you have so far afforded to them.

Oh my gosh this is awful. I'm so sorry he treated you that way.