To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Why is this relevant?

If the adult follows a sensible timeline for introducing someone in more than passing to their children (i.e. at least a year, I'd say, and longer again before you move to cohabiting), then I don't see why it's an issue. The problem is that lots of people introduce a new partner after 5 minutes and let them assume the role of 'stepparent' and THEN the kids get confused.

But modelling the normal facts of life, which is that the majority of relationships don't last, and that that's okay and can be done with grace and good will and not some acrimonious chaos, then you might have fewer kids like OP who cannot cope with the concept of their parent being happy or existing outside of their role as A Parent.

You sound incredibly bitter and childish. If you're so angry with him why do you ask him for money? You need a lot of therapy to deal with this

In your shoes I wouldn’t want anything to do with him or his money, he’s been the man-baby-shithead and it’s upto him to build bridges - but with me it probably wouldn’t be possible.

Not everyone is a walk-over / can forgive and forget.

He was unhappily married and he left. Lots of people do that and personally I don't think you owe it to your children to stay in a miserable marriage.

That aside you don't have to forgive him but you could do worse than talk things through with a therapist because it sounds like too many of your mothers thoughts and emotions about his leaving are in your head.

Why does looking at their fb page make you angry?
You are a 25 year old woman and you are using your dad for his money. Your dad has been with his wife for at least 15 years possibly linger than he was with your mum? and his children are your siblings he is obviously happy, would you rather he had stayed single and been miserable. People in happy marriages don't cheat you can't blame your father for everything.
I don't think getting married after 2 years is wrong in anyway.
You have been carrying a lot of pain and anger for 15 years it isn't healthy. What kind of a grandad is he to your children?

I mean this in the kindest possible sense but I think some therapy may help. You still sound incredibly hurt.

i went for therapy after my husband left for the OW. My ExH always said that he left me, not our three children. But I can understand how a child may view it differently.

The therapy helped me to ensure that my own sense of betrayal was not projected by me onto my children. It also helped me to forgive my mother (who walked out on my dad when I was five). My mother took me with her but not my brother, and to this day (over 40 years later I’m not sure he’s forgiven her).

I wish them no harm but they are not my siblings....They are nothing to me. They are half siblings I guess, but half comes from my dad, and they do not count in the same way as my brothers do (Mum had two sons when she met my "dad"

so your dad “betrayed” you by having more kids, but your mum didn’t?

What kind of a grandad is he to your children

He has never met my dc - my choice as I don't see him myself. So I am hardly going to allow him to see my dc

Do people really think it’s ok for a parent to leave a family home and start a whole new family without first ensuring that their children have adjusted to the split?

It’s not just about him leaving, it’s about how he handled it after that.

Mum had my brothers from a prev relationship to my dad. They are older

Do your brothers hold your existence against you then OP?

Relationships break down. It is sad, but true. It also sounds like your Dad has tried to keep the door open without putting you under any pressure. That is as good as you can ask for. You are currently in too negative a state of mind to give him a chance, but I hope you do one day. You might find that, like your husband, you gain a positive relationship in your life and in the lives of your children.

You are not obligated to have your father in your life or to forgive him for the past, however if you don’t want a relationship with him then you should stop requesting money.

You could focus on moving forwards (perhaps with therapy if you’re unable to out the past in the past) and could have a happier relationship with him (and his family). Yes they may be nothing to you, because that’s what you’ve chosen, but it doesn’t have to be like that. You may feel angry and resentful of the other children but you can perhaps take a step back and see they are not competition. Moving on doesn’t mean that 10 year old you agrees with what happened either but it could mean you can become less angered and perhaps enjoy things with your dad again, accepting the world has moved on a fair bit. I’m thankful to my parents/step parents telling me as an older teen to just join in, after I didn’t want to meet new siblings or see my parents with other people. I didn’t want to then and it certainly took some time to feel better, but I’m grateful now.

I have been in the exact same position as yourself @jesseastmids . It is soul destroying, its changes the fabric of who you are. My father was having an affair, when he got caught he divorced my mother and abandoned his 7 children. He went on to have a new family, and pretended we didn't exist or even mattered. When a father is raising another family , he is not raising yours. I'm 36 years old and I'm still not over it. Just can't understand how a man can put his own needs and desires above his whole family. He has damaged everyone of us and it shows.

I'm a little surprised so many replies are saying it was ok for your dad to cheat and move on. I disagree. I think marriage and having a family are big commitments that you shouldn't undertake if you're not willing to stay the distance (unless domestic abuse involved)

But, we live in an imperfect world, and the reality is that these things happen. My cousin has maintained a positive relationship with her father despite his life decisions. She doesn't condone the choices he made, but hasn't allowed them to stand in the way of maintaining contact with him

I hope you can find a way to maintain contact with your DF on your own terms

And, you may feel nomloyalty to the half siblings, which is understandable, but in future, their children and yours might benefit from cousin relationships, so dont burn your bridges

It sounds like your mum may have leaned on you for emotional support when it happened, and your natural sympathy for her meant you ended up only seeing her side of the story? It's not fair to invoice a 10 year old in the details of a messy separation, they are too young to know how to process that information, so it is distressing for them, and can lead to long term ill-effects. Adults should seek support from other adults, not from children.

It's sad that they separated, and that there may have been infidelity. But unless there was abuse, both parents should have done their best to speak kindly of each other and helped you to maintain both relationships

No, why would they? When my Mum left their dad they stayed with her. She did not leave them, also they still see their dad and always did.

This does sound like a much younger person speaking - I think the PPs who have commented on the hurt child are on to something. Apart from daring to leave a situation where he was not happy, he sounds like he has behaved like a good guy. Having another child 2 years after he left is not that sudden - I would guess he was not happy for a while before he left. OP, it would be worth exploring why you have to hold on to such anger and resentment in counselling. As a parent now, you are the model for your children - would you support them using someone for money?

It sounds like it's really bothering you so why not meet him and hear what he has to say? You can then decide the level of contact you want with him.

I actually feel a little sorry for your Dad.

You need to hear his side of the story. Sometimes it's better for the kids if the parents separate, rather than live in an unhappy home. It wouldn't set a good example to you as children as to what is a normal loving relationship ship.

Sometimes people can be a bad partner, but not a bad parent. It doesn't sound like he's a bad parent, it sounds like he is trying.

Parents have a right to be happy too. He is entitled to move on and start a family with somebody else, and be a good Dad to them too. I could understand your frustration if he gone on to have loads of kids with different women, not learning his lesson.

I think you should give him the opportunity to tell his side, and learn to forgive, as hard as that may be.

If you aren't prepared to do that, be honest with the poor man and stop asking for money.

Did you dad refuse to see you then? I know he moved out - unavoidable if he was splitting from your mum - but did he abandon you? It sounded from your earlier posts like to it was you that cut off the relationship?

I really think you would benefit from some therapy OP. Your thoughts are not rational.
Marriages break up. I disagree that parents should stay together for the sake of their children. In your parents case, your father was unhappy so he left. He loved someone else and had more children. This does not mean he doesn't love you.
You asking him to choose the OW or you was childish nonsense and I suspect, a lot of this extreme behaviour was fed by your DM who was projecting onto you.
Also, why was it ok for your DM to have siblings before you came along but not ok for your DF to have subsequent children?

So your mum betrayed your brothers by having you?

why is one parent going on to have more kids a betrayal, but the other isn’t.

bear in mind men do not usually have the choice to stay with their kids. Legally it is almost
impossible to remove children from a
mother’s care, he would have had to prove her unfit.

so in all likelihood he could not have kept you with him, even if he wanted to. But somehow your mum getting default care makes her a better person?

we have this with my brothers kids. Their mum had the affair and kicked him out, yet somehow he is the evil one for leaving and moving on with his own life.

you don’t know your dad and whether he chose to leave, or that was the set of circumstances he was left with.