To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

With the greatest of respect OP I think you’ve painted this picture in your head of the evil stepmum/OW who broke up the happy family and had 2 offspring just to piss you and your mum off. These people, your actual dad and his children who’ve done nothing wrong, are not your enemies.

You either need to get over it or go NC - no taking money and no half in half out

*'Your father didn’t leave ‘us’, he left your mother. He also didn’t abandon you (does that phrasing come from your mother?).

Your mother thought it appropriate to discuss her husbands possible affair with her 10 year old and by the sounds of it tell said 10 year old that her father had abandoned her by leaving his marriage when the version of events you have given (seeing him every weekend, him paying child support) makes it clear he did nothing of the sort.

Was she also the one who suggested the ‘new partner or me’ ultimatum? That doesn’t sound like the sort of thing an 11 year old would come up with on her own.

I’m not sure her version of events is the most reliable bearing in mind the rest of her behaviour.

There are women on this thread that have gritted their teeth and made sure their children have a good relationship with an ex partner who has behaved badly because they care more about their children than revenge on their ex. I’m sorry your mother didn’t feel the same but I think a start to healing would be to realise:

There are two sides to the story

You are getting a very one sided version of events

Your mother has also behaved badly in the split by using you as a weapon against your father.'*

@Talia99very well said, exactly this! ^

There are always three sides to every story, OP. In this case, they are your mum's, your dad's, and the truth. The truth usually falls somewhere in the middle of the other two sides.

My Dad left us when I was 10. My mother then made it her life's mission to bitch about him, to try and ensure that his punishment for having the temerity to leave her was to have no relationship with his children at all.

My younger sister followed the exact same path you're on. Dad is bad, except when I want money, he's a bastard , I want nothing to do with him etc etc. She listened only to our Mother's side and made up her mind accordingly.

Anyway. When I'd grown up properly I realised the above (about there being three sides to every story) and set about forging a relationship with my Dad. And guess what- his side of the whole story bore no relationship to what my Mother had said.

Both, of course, had their own view of their marriage.

You only have a child's view of someone else's marriage. And then you have your Mum's side. To form a fair view, you should also have your Dad's version.

My own Dad died some years ago now. I'm so glad I gave him the chance to put his side, and to show me how loving a Dad he could be. Some things haunted him, and his sadness was still palpable, even after thirty-odd years.

I think, if you don't want to have any regrets, you should see your Dad. Your DH is right, imo. But now might not be the right time for you- you do still sound quite immature and petulant.

But you should think about it for the future.

My parents stayed together for my sake and actively disliked and resented each other the whole time. It was not the best environment to grow up in but they thought it would be worse for me if they'd separated. It would not have been.
Whilst neither of your parents handled their break up well, it really is not the best for a child to have a parent stick around who does not want to be there.

This I can totally understand. I guess though what it shows was that he was conflicted, leaving you and your sister (and maybe even your mum,) wasn't a decision he made lightly.

My parents were very unhappy but "stayed together for the children". It was hellish and we were expected to be grateful for a miserable childhood their great sacrifice.

I’ve forgiven my dad for far worst. For my benefit not his. So my DC can have memories of grandparents that don’t really exist but its nice for them.

I don't blame you one bit. My dad left my mum and I completely understand how you feel. I agree with previous posters that adults sometimes have to act like adults and take their responsibilities seriously, not leave for another younger model

my brothers dc say the same. Except their mum never told them it was her affair and her choice- no, just that dad left and now has a new family. They are adults now and I doubt they’ll ever find out, and likely not believe it if they do as they’ve only ever had their mums side of the story. Their dad got a solicitor to try for RP but was told legally a court would never remove children from their mum without good reason.

things are not always what they seem. Adults lie, or at least paint themselves in the best light.

Others have worded things so much better, but you clearly need help of some kind OP, the thoughts you are harbouring are not healthy and are doing you no favours.

As a child/teen I might well have agreed with you but the deeper I get into middle age the more I realise there are three sides to every story, and while i hope my own children grow to have happy relationships, i would never expect them to stay in an unhappy relationship for the children- this actually rarely benefits anyone in the long term.

He left your mum, not you, for someone he has been with for many years and is truly happy- not like he had affair after affair.

Your dad had a right to leave a Relationship where he wasn't happy.

You were not in the right making him chose between him and his new girlfriend.

They could have been your family too but you ruined it.

You're placing all the blame on your dad but you are partly to blame.

I agree with your partner, you should try to make amends.

This.

I always made it clear to my three DCs that daddy left because although we still liked each other lots, we didn’t love each other anymore (didn’t mention the OW) but said we both hugely loved our children and would always be their mummy and daddy (lots of reading of ‘Mum and Dad Glue’ and ‘It’s not your fault Koko bear’ etc).

I’m no saint, I was bloody angry but I remembered how my mum used to slag off my dad constantly and how it made me feel (even though she left him).

Two parents in an unhappy marriage, makes for a miserable childhood.

Unless it's abuse or addiction, I agree.

My parents have been married for 40 years. I would never forgive one of them for having left the other while i was growing up and breaking up the family. They are the adult and barring abuse, i think a childs right to a stable home trumps an adults right to "find their one true love". And then going on to have a new family with someone else? Nope. I'm with you OP.

But two miserable people stuck in an unhappy marriage NEVET makes for a stable home. Usually the opposite

And if one partner is shagging someone else on the side? The other party should put up with that?

I wonder if people realise that staying together ‘for the children’ is just about the lost counterproductive thing two parents can ever do?

Think of the children 🙄

Everyone should be able to leave a relationship they are unhappy in. No one should be forced to be unhappy simply because of kids. Children can have 2 homes and be happy, their family unit simply becomes different.
Your dad gave it a go again because your mum wanted him to and he still wasn't happy. He has every right to be happy in his life. It clearly was the right move for him, regardless of him not seeing you now. You were incredibly wrong to ask him to choose.
Nothing he did would have been enough for you, that's clear. He didn't want to be with your mum, he didn't have to be.

Good question. Well OP, did you force your mother to make the same choice?

I'm blaming OP's dad for doing the snagging. Of course, if the mom left, she'd be keeping the kids. It's the shagger who is the problem here.

You’re carrying around a lot of anger. Relationships / marriages break down all the time and of course it’s painful for all concerned. It’s entitled your choice in what you do, but I don’t see any benefit in continuing to be angry for something that happened so long ago. You have siblings that I assume you’re not interested in, through no fault of their own. They didn’t ask to be born. I do think that it’s a bit of a cheek to say all of this and then drop in that you ask him for money. No doubt he feels obligated to provide it too. You should stop that

Why do you think people should have to stay in unhappy relationships because of children? Do you think they have no right to a happy life anymore and it's Better for kids to see their parents miserable?

Agree with this. Sorry but yes YABU. Your dad has every right to leave his relationship, you had no right to demand he not be in a new one (and you should get that as an adult even if you didn't at the time), your half siblings are every bit as important and worthy of existing as you are. If you can't forgive him for normal actions that's your business but you should have the dignity not to ask him for money.

I’ve always decided that if anyone ever have me an ultimatum I’d be going against what they want. Because people don’t get to manipulate me like that.

And yet you're happy to use him for his money. If you don't want a relationship with him, don't have one but using him for his money to punish him doesn't reflect well on you

I agree, although I do wonder in this case who was doing the manipulating - the OP or the OP’s mother in the background.