To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

My husbands father died about six months ago. They never reconciled and he is having a full nervous breakdown.
im not saying I agree with what he did but he maybe able to answer some of your questions even if he just gives you closure.

Your mum has really let you down.

I'm saying this as someone whose parents split up and dad went on to have more children.

It is life op.
It happens.
People divorce.
Your parents were young right?
So maybe it just was not right for them
You choose how to move forward or choose to be bitter your whole life

You've clearly missed that bit about her mum's relationship history.

Neither of the OP's parents are shining relationship examples.

Your father left a relationship he no longer wanted to be in - just like your mother. Your father continued contact with the child of the first relationship (you) - just like your mother. Your father had more children - just like your mother.

Your mother made sure you knew that he had left you (not her) for another woman.

Do you think your brothers should be cutting off you and your mother for her breaking up their home? The fact she took your brothers with her is irrelevant - your father stayed in contact “every weekend” until you cut him off so no real difference.

The fact you are still consumed with bitterness 15 years later (but are still prepared to ask your father for money) isn’t healthy. I second the suggestion of a PP that you should look into therapy. It isn’t so you can ‘forgive’ your father - maybe you won’t, maybe you will end up cutting him off entirely. It’s because the behaviour of both of your parents - your father for leaving, your mother for using you as inappropriate emotional support / a lever to get him to come back - when you were 10 is still damaging you today.

By the way - that ultimatum, was that your idea or either the result of a suggestion from your mother or as a result of drip fed ‘if he loved you, he’d put you first’ from your mother?

You sound very immature. Resentful and cynical. Unreasonable as you are asking him for money.
Why take his money? You are a grownass woman with kids and a husband. Why ask your dad for money and hate him as well?
You need to grow up. All that hate and anger isnt going to do you any good. From your posts it seems like you are still a little stuck 10 year old kid. I mean what kid asks their parent to chose between them and their partner at 10 years of age? Weird. Your dad shouldn't be in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. Why should be stay because of kids? Its not fair on him

So you DM had two failed relationships, your Father one - but the failure of the relationship between the two of them was 100% his fault.
Because DM says so.
You can't have a conversation with him because that would be betraying DM (of course, same doesn't apply to asking him for handouts🙄)

It may or may not be relevant, but that is something that needs unpicking by your Mum to decide if it has any relevance to how she portrayed the situation to you.

You shouldn't be asking him for money, OP. I think you know that's not OK.

If you don't want anything to do with him then don't have anything to do with him but you can't then slip through messages of births and put your hand out for cash.

You sound awfully bitter. I think counselling would be a good idea.

They weren't happy otherwise your dad wouldn't have been opened to having an affair.

Adults in relationships choose whether to stay faithful or not.

Lots of my friends who were married by your age were separated and/or divorced by 38. Some cheated, others argued/fought and a minority just drifted apart.

Relationship? Who cares? 1 parent continued to care for their child, another abandoned them for sex.

Unfortunately the OP doesn't see her mother has dumped her emotional baggage on her and has managed to screw her up.

I think it’s ok to still be angry about what happened to you, but I do also think that you probably need some help to address and manage your feelings so that, whatever you decide in the future, you can experience some peace. I’m not saying you have to reconcile with him if you don’t want to, but you can’t have this eating you up inside the way it clearly is.

My parents divorced when I was a child, at my dad’s instigation, following multiple infidelities on his part. It is tremendously difficult to experience, and it has taken a lot of time to understand how fundamentally it has shaped my life since, but he and I have a good relationship now and I carry the emotional baggage that time of my life produced much better for some professional help. I don’t say this to influence your decision about how to proceed with your relationship, but only to say that I’ve been there.

The OP mother did that to have the OP.

She split from her elder brothers' father to end up in a relationship with the OP father.

Except the OP makes it clear her father didn’t abandon her, he kept seeing her. He also paid child support and is still handing over money. Again not abandonment.

Bearing in mind the inappropriate amount of information the OP knows about the divorce and the fact that 15 years later, she still mentions her mother being upset as a reason not to see her father (despite her mother being 10 years into a new relationship), there seems to be classic parental alienation going on.

That must have been very painful and rejecting to go through.

Of course you don't have to ever forgive him. But you do need to find a way to let go of the anger for yourself and your own mental health. I don't mean get over it or anything like that but just a way to move away from the pain so it dulls.

I found a therapist helped with my anger and resentment over my fathers affair.

It was your choice not to see him because you couldn't control his new relationship where he'd found happiness

You ask him for money but don't want anything off him?

I mean this nicely but grow up. You either want him to be your dad or not. And if you don't, don't take his handouts.

TBH OP absolutely nobody can judge what happens in a marriage or if people were right to leave and I think you need to bear this in mind. You’ve missed out on a relationship with 2 sisters which I just think is sad.

Also the fact you knew so much about your parents relationship at age 10 and were dishing out ultimatums makes me think your mum had a stronghold on you and took her frustrations out on him via you.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It doesn't mean you have to go on and have a relationship with the person you forgive.

Adult relationships are complicated and not straightforward in the way we think they are as children. I dare say there was more going on in-between your parents than you know. That said, your dad still should have still sought to have a relationship with you after the divorce.

Was your mother very bitter and passed this on to you? My ExH left me for another woman, denied it at the time and is now married to her. I’ve been very careful not to take my upset and frustrations and project it to my kids, sounds like your mum struggled to do this. Sending you a hug, it’s tough 💐

I think you would really benefit from therapy OP

It's not normal to hold this much resentment towards a person who seems to have done his best to be a dad to you.

He left your mum, not you. I think PP may have a point that you are 'stuck' mentally as that ten year old and have not moved into a more adult understanding of relationships in the years since.

It was not fair of your mum to involve you in the relationship between her and your dad, you knew too much as a young child, expected to 'take her side' and bear her emotions.

I'm really sorry this has resulted in you being such a mixed up adult.

So you don't want anything to do with don't want to see him yet you still ask him for money sometimes.....ok then 🤔

What's that saying about drinking poison and expecting the other person to fall ill?

@jesseastmids

You said unthread “I don't think I could do this to my mum. I have heard and seen enough, not sure I need his "side".”

Where have you heard and seen this? Is it from your mum?

I’m not sure telling a 10yo about an affair (you even said ‘we suspected’, so you seem to have been heavily involved) is the healthiest thing. Maybe your mum was very alone, but a 10yo daughter isn’t really supposed to be your confident for adult matters. Mine did the same, except started much younger, I don’t really resent her for it, I don’t really see the point, she was alone and desperate and coped in an inappropriate way, but that’s life.

I think you were way too young to process, and even decide at 11yo not to see your father is a bit young ime. Did your mum encourage you at all to keep seeing him ?

Basically you had ime way too much information and ability to choose in full capacity.

Re: affairs, yes he didn’t go about the whole meeting someone new well at all. It’s not hard to end the first relationship properly, explain in simple words he met someone else, and then move on. Fwiw though, I was a bit older (14) when my mum had an affair, and she shared all the details, and she actually really did love him. Affairs are obviously the wrong way to go about ending relationships, but I don’t really see anything wrong with falling out of love and falling in love with someone new, after min a decade people can evolve differently.

And your dad honored his child support engagements and still gives you money at 25.

Sorry if this was long and written a bit quickly, the conclusion is that none of my parents discouraged contact at any point, despite my father completely non contributing financially (at least you had a house to sell, we ended up for years with my mum and brother in a tiny studio). I’ve accepted at 32 that people make mistakes, life can be messy, and I’m in contact with both parents. My dad also remarried and I’m glad he’s happy.

I think my vision of things is a lot skewed by health issues resulting in much too young departures in my family, including myself, I almost died in a coma from extremely unlikely complications of an organ infection this year.

Life is too short for anything other than health, and trying my best to provide a roof (however small, buying, renting, whatever), food, and education for my family. I thought so many other things were important, but they’re just a welcome bonus if so.