DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

But he didnt say its going to be her last Christmas did he? he said it could be....he is correct... I do wonder how you will feel if you end up widowed and you have children whose spouses get angry at them spending time with you.

Of course his family are taking his side, to take yours would mean them having to do something like look after her. She's not going to say anything as she knows she is doing it. You have a man baby on your hands good luck.

As for the last Christmas comment, dp told me that one year about his nan, I said the same could be said about my nan or even me. Who knows when it will be your last. Heck the one just gone could have been it as nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow. Ask if he only wants a wife one day a week as your looking for a fulltime husband.

Can she come to you?
Is a lonely life for her

The entire family is looking after her. All he’s doing is taking his turn. If he drops out they’d have to do even more to take up the slack.

Could she come over, on that day instead? So that you're all together? My father comes over every Sunday. I have his food delivered in the morning, then take it over when I collect him. Then he stays for the day, and eats with us. When an elderly relative lives alone, they become very isolated. Seeing someone and spending time with them, means the world to them.

Good for him, he sounds nice.

@clantis

this op! Try and have some empathy and compassion

@JustAnotherManicMomday

why is a man baby? He is caring for his lonely and elderly mother ffs

Why couldn't he visit his Mum Thursday and come home for Thursday evening with OP?? What's selfish about OP wanting that?

Would you prefer he spent no time with his lonely, sick, elderly mother and all of his time with you, OP? 🙄

I’m the kindest possible way - do you not have friends to interact with?

This sounds unsustainable, I feel for you. While it's nice that he's caring and spending time with his Mother, he has a wife and family, this is too much time every week.

Clearly this Mumsnetter wouldnt want her kids spending an evening with her when she is elderly. Im horrified. Ive run nursing homes and can understand why elderly people sometimes, despite initially not wanting to enter a home, find they have so much more company because their kids think giving up one evening a week too much of a sacrifice.

Honestly you are coming across as very needy. If you want people your age to talk to then spend some time with friends. Your husband wishes to spend time with his ailing mother whilst he still has her. Your demands are unreasonable. You have a day and date night together...a lot more than many have in these cash strapped times. When my kids were young the only way we could meet the expenses was for me to work full time plus. I worked five to six nights a week nursing for six years. No recriminations. My husband always said it was my choice. It sounds like your husband is being pulled in two directions by the women in his life.

What if he is doing what he feels to by the appropriate thing for him to do? In the same situation OP might have a different sense of what would be appropriate for he to do. In that case ,she should do what she felt to be appropriate for her.

Does the OP want to spend time with him when he is not wanting to be with her at that time? You cannot force someone to want or desire to be with you at a given time?
The husband is probably stressed by his mother's condition and his feelings of responsibility for an elderly parent. His spouse's solution and support is to object to the time that he is spending with the parent and to suggest that she instead is entitled to that time.

What if the husband solution is to say ok I will stop spending time with my mother , but I have no desire to spend that time with you? I already spend as much time with you as I need, and I do not wish to increase the time spent together?

Maybe the husband is satisfied with the way that his time is currently allocated, and is surprised and saddened by his wife's response to the situation.

The wife can take whatever steps are necessary to ensure her happiness in this situation. She is not compelled to accept his response.

He works nights so she only has 1 night with him, she works days , I'm in a similar situation and it's very lonely which I can appreciate be the same for his mother but she has 5 other kids who could do a day each.

If you read the post you could see all the siblings do their fair share the op just wants hers husband not to do his

This thread is from three months ago.

I doubt OP is going to come back.

If you read her post no she doesn't want him to stop just be more reasonable on what time he returns ....she works days ,he works nights he has 2 nights off and spend one with his mother until 1am and then wakes his wife up when he comes home!......if he's there all day he could be reasonable and come home at a reasonable 7-30pm or so...

OP is probably done with the thread but "fair share" here does not necessarily mean that each adult child must spend a full 24 hours per week with their elderly parent. Unless the elderly parent cannot be left alone for a second for health reasons, another fair solution is that each child does slightly less, and hence that the elderly parent is sometimes expected to entertain herself. I bet the other spouses would be grateful to occasionally see their own husbands and wives. OP's husband works opposite shifts as her and spends most of Saturday (his day "together" with his wife) asleep so actually spends a great deal MORE time with his mother than with his wife. Something seems not quite right about that.

As someone upthread pointed out, if he spent less time with his mother, it doesn't necessarily mean he'd spend more with his wife. It's entirely possible he feels no need to spend more than a few hours per week with his wife. In that case, wife might not feel that's a viable marriage in her opinion. But that is all being covered over by his claiming that his paucity of time with his wife is because of his mother's neediness rather than his lack of interest in his own wife. If the real reason he spends so much of his rare free time with his mother, is that he actually does not care two figs for his wife, it's probably fairer for her to know that now so that she can decide what to do about it.

I hope my son is like your husband when I am elderly and alone.

I think one of the things people are missing is he works nights. I'd guess he works Weds evening, gets home Thursday morning when OP is off, has a nap? then goes to his mother's all day and all night. This rare opportunity to spend an evening and a bed with his wife, he is not there, for the whole day and evening. He comes in and disturbs her then she's up for work early and off. He then gets a lovely lie in. When she gets home Friday evening he's at work. He's probsbly napping Saturday morning. They get to spend that one day/evening together then she's off to bed coz she's out Sunday.
Why doesn't he visit his mum Sunday or Friday before work. Even two afternoons before work. He's spending as much of his limited time with his mother as his wife! Why not have 2 half days when his wife is at work?

I said YABU because you are dragging mil and his family into it when its straight up a "@DH problem"

You cant make him do anything but you can make sure your own needs are met.
I love sleep if my DH cant get home by 10.30 his pjs and toothbrush are outside the bedroom door and he sleesp in the spare room. I do this regularly if he is out late.

It’s easy to be jealous of others when you don’t get what we want. I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable but I wouldn’t act on them or bring them up with your partner. He’s just doing something nice for him mum.
You are treating him a bit possessive like he is your toy to play with. He’s his own person and an adult and can make his own choices. As others have suggested I would try to be less reliant on him being around and more focused on you. Maybe get a hobbie or join a class to meet people/ catch up with existing friends or your own parents

I must say I would not be happy in a marriage where I only saw my husband one day per week. By contrast, it's pretty normal for adult men to NOT see their mothers frequently. In fact, spending more time with your wife than your mum is kinda the goal of getting married. (A man is meant to leave his mother and cleave to his wife.) In a very short-term situation such as a hospitalization, putting the mother equal to (or above) wife like this, might make sense, but if it's a long-term thing then I would consider this sort of behavior to be my husband choosing to put the marriage at risk or simply checking out of the marriage.