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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends whole day off with his mother.

336 replies

clantis · 29/12/2022 16:30

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:08

he leaves straight after work/dinner on Wednesday and by the time he's home on a Thursday I'm in bed. I tell him to just go to hers straight from work on Wednesdays as it upsets me too much to see him leave but he doesn't.

So he sleeps at hers on a Wednesday?

Yet it’s Thursdays you seem to be upset about because he disturbs you when he comes home.

I’m confused how you can eat dinner and watch tv for a couple of hours every day if he doesn’t finish until 9/10/11.

And if he usually finishes work at 11, how is him getting in at midnight from his mums much different to his normal routine?

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:08

imjustanerd · 29/12/2022 17:19

YANBU

You're entitled to have time with your own husband. His siblings should be helping more and taking turns each week to spend time with her.

They do one of them is always with her they take turns op said that

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:09

Also why is he waking up in the afternoon on Saturday if he finishes by 11?

I’d be tackling this issue first.

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:11

clantis · 29/12/2022 17:23

His excuse is that each sibling has one day. My point is exactly yours. I would be okay with it if it was less frequent, once or twice a month. But not every week.

Show quote history

When you're an elderly widow how will it feel to see each of your children once or twice a month and to sit on your own day in day out?

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 19:12

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:09

Also why is he waking up in the afternoon on Saturday if he finishes by 11?

I’d be tackling this issue first.

As someone who used to work shifts like this, I'd say he probably stays up later to unwind from work and therefore wakes up late the next day.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 29/12/2022 19:14

What a lovely guy wish I'd spent more time with my mother.

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:15

clantis · 29/12/2022 17:49

I work 9am to 3pm
His time differs, but it's usually from early afternoon to 9/10/11pm

Show quote history

That's not nights it's an evening shift....so you still get Sunday mornings until early afternoon, and if he's home at say 9.30 part of the evenings unless you go to bed really early.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:16

As someone who used to work shifts like this, I'd say he probably stays up later to unwind from work and therefore wakes up late the next day.

But OP says he’s too tired after work to hang out, suggesting he goes straight to bed.

WetBandits · 29/12/2022 19:17

I think I’d rather spend time with my Mum than with you 🤷🏼‍♀️

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:17

clantis · 29/12/2022 17:57

Then all I get is a couple of hours sitting with him while he's having dinner and watching TV together. And then I'm off to bed. He's still sleeping when I wake up in the morning, then I'm off to work. he leaves straight after work/dinner on Wednesday and by the time he's home on a Thursday I'm in bed. I tell him to just go to hers straight from work on Wednesdays as it upsets me too much to see him leave but he doesn't. On Saturdays he sleeps in

Show quote history

That's all most couples get without a date night.....I hope he gets up and does things round the house on the day as surely he doesn't need more than 8 hours or so

MysteryBelle · 29/12/2022 19:18

Hard one. I can see both sides. Not sure what the answer is.

If it were me, I guess I’d try this. (If I got along with mil and if she is truly in need as seems to be the case.) I’d go see her on Wednesday or Thursday evening each week and take her a dish of something or a treat I made for her. I would visit with her for a half hour or an hour. Perhaps do one or two things for her (but obviously don’t be a doormat.) Praise your husband for taking care of his mother. Refrain totally from criticizing his brothers and their wives for doing nothing. I’d do this for three months and then see how I feel, and see if anything has changed with your husband’s or mil’s behavior toward you for the better.

I feel for you. I’d be very frustrated too. Yes, it’s good that he cares for his mother but you have valid concerns that need addressed by them. The question is, how to get your concerns resolved. This is a difficult one.

EasternEcho · 29/12/2022 19:19

Treeeeeeee · 29/12/2022 18:44

Op you are coming across as an awful human being here and if you really are as bad as you are coming across I hope your children act in a similar manner towards you when you are old. It is one evening a week that he is spending with his Ill widowed mum, one evening! You get to spend a few hours with him every other evening and then all evening one day a week. Demanding more than this, and expecting the time to be taken from that he spends with his mum is quite frankly disgusting. You have no young children that you need his support with, you are coming at this from nothing but a selfish point of view. And as for his mum not getting involved in your arguments not cooking his tea...it's laughable

He leaves on Wednesday evening, stays that night, and all day Thursday, then Thursday evening and gets back after midnight. That is not just one evening. It is more than what he spends with OP.

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:20

Deidretheelf · 29/12/2022 18:17

Whaaaaat? You’re complaining that as an adult you had to cook your own meals, wash your own clothing and look after your own children?

Wow.

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Exactly this ....Sounds like she was brilliant to butt out and not interfere most complain Their MILs side with their son's...

lifter · 29/12/2022 19:21

I can't see why you're getting flamed so much OP. I don't think he's a lovely guy. If he was, he'd be trying to spend time with you too and look after his marriage. I'd be really hurt if I were you Flowers

(I come from a family where we have had "it could be our last Christmas" for almost thirty years from my mum who's a dramatic one, which may partly be swaying my response of course.)

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:22

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/12/2022 18:50

Read the thread: he works nights.

Show quote history

He works evenings then by the sound of it lays in bed all day.

MysteryBelle · 29/12/2022 19:23

Oh and I wouldn’t explain what I’m doing to dh. I’d just do it. Just show up one of the evenings he’s there and visit with mil and bring her a little something. Do it each week. No more talking with dh about it because it does no good. See if your behavior change positively affects their behavior.

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:23

MysteryBelle · 29/12/2022 19:18

Hard one. I can see both sides. Not sure what the answer is.

If it were me, I guess I’d try this. (If I got along with mil and if she is truly in need as seems to be the case.) I’d go see her on Wednesday or Thursday evening each week and take her a dish of something or a treat I made for her. I would visit with her for a half hour or an hour. Perhaps do one or two things for her (but obviously don’t be a doormat.) Praise your husband for taking care of his mother. Refrain totally from criticizing his brothers and their wives for doing nothing. I’d do this for three months and then see how I feel, and see if anything has changed with your husband’s or mil’s behavior toward you for the better.

I feel for you. I’d be very frustrated too. Yes, it’s good that he cares for his mother but you have valid concerns that need addressed by them. The question is, how to get your concerns resolved. This is a difficult one.

Her BILs are there when the husband isn't so why assume they do nothing?

catandcoffee · 29/12/2022 19:24

So he doesn't work night shifts at all.

You've got grown up children, so obviously been together sometime.

I think your husband is happy with the life he's leading,but you're not happy.

Don't blame his Mother for your husband choosing NOT to spend time with you.

I'd have no issue with my husband looking after his elderly mother, UNLESS I was jealous of their relationship

Dweetfidilove · 29/12/2022 19:24

Sounds like a good, supportive family to me. Your MIL is a lucky woman.

OldFan · 29/12/2022 19:24

That's exactly what he says. Every Christmas he says he thinks it's her last one. He's not God and it's such a horrible thing to say.

I didn't get what you meant at first as what you say here is so odd @clantis . He's not God and that's exactly what he's saying. He doesn't know when she's going to die. She's ill and quite elderly. It could be tomorrow.

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 19:25

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:16

As someone who used to work shifts like this, I'd say he probably stays up later to unwind from work and therefore wakes up late the next day.

But OP says he’s too tired after work to hang out, suggesting he goes straight to bed.

She also says she sits with him while he eats dinner, they watch TV, then she goes to bed because she has to get up early. He doesn't go to bed then.

MysteryBelle · 29/12/2022 19:26

I’ll be honest. I’d feel exactly the same as you do. Of course he should care for his mother but he’s also your husband and should want to resolve this for your sake too.

CheshireCat1 · 29/12/2022 19:32

I think he’s lovely, couldn’t you go with him every now and then.

aloris · 29/12/2022 19:33

MIL lives 2 hours away so it is not practical for OP to go visit there midweek every week for a couple hours.

From the schedule OP describes, I do not see how she is seeing her husband every day for a couple of hours. OP can you clarify this?

I think one of the problems is that her husband is spending 50% of his free days with his mum. In addition to those free days, he also needs some total downtime with no socialising at all, and since half of his scheduled downtime is spent on 4 hr of driving, and on socialising with an elderly woman who needs help, he may need more downtime on his own than OP does. If he's sleeping in till mid-afternoon on Saturdays, then it may be that he is taking this downtime on weekday mornings when OP is at work, causing him to be a bit sleep-deprived by Saturday, hence the sleeping late on Saturdays. In other words, it may be that he is budgeting most of his effort towards socialising his mum and paying attention to his own need for downtime, and is leaving OP with what's left over. I can understand why he would do that but I am not overly surprised that she is feeling that their marriage is suffering.

My feeling is that he does have an obligation to his mum but he also has an obligation to his marriage. The other brothers may not be feeling the stress as much if they live locally to their mother, as maybe they can spend a few hours there and be back home to hang out with their wives. There is no shame in getting in some paid respite care so that OP and her husband can nurture their marriage too.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:37

Don't blame his Mother for your husband choosing NOT to spend time with you.

Exactly!!

He has all day Saturday to spend with her but decides to spend most of the day in bed.

Obviously if he works nights it’s fair enough but it sounds like he’s finished by 11 at the latest, so there’s no need to stay in bed all day on Saturday.