DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

You nor DH are being unreasonable really but it sounds like your work patterns are the main problem.

I don’t get these harsh comments towards you OP. I get why you’re bothered. His mother doesn’t sound like a nice person (assuming from what you posted about grandchildren, living with her etc.). She’s one of those mothers who wants to keep children to herself. It’s way too excessive of your husband to visit her every week for lenghty stays while you don’t get to spend too much time together. Don’t get into those guilt trips from posters who say „I wish I spent more time with my mum before she passed”. Everyone’s situation is different. You’re right to be annoyed.

What posters are being deliberately awkward about understanding is the impact night shifts have on family life - it literally is turning your life 180 degrees.

Except the husband does NOT work nights. He works lates. My brother works nights and it's 12 hours in London (1 - 1.30 hr commute) from 2100 to 0900. Which means asleep at midday to get up for work again at 1900. As someone who used to do the same shift, that's a big shit all over family life. I remember picking up my kids from nursery on a Friday and falling asleep in the playground as I was so sleep deprived. My daughter drew a drawing showing how she felt that I was not there overnight and it was heartbreaking. I stopped nights not long after.

I repeat, OP's husband does not work nights as anyone who works nights would understand it. The latest he finishes is 11pm. He can finish at 2100 which leaves a couple of hours at least at home before bed. Unless OP goes to bed early, they have time every evening.

She needs to get the husband up what ever time works for her on a Saturday - maybe brunch somewhere local - and she has the whole day and half the next. And if he has talked about date night every week then.. no offence but I bet that's more than most of us have.

I wouldn’t want my DC thinking they have to care for me in my old age in such a way that it impacts their own family life. I assume the DH doesn’t see much of his own DC either.

Op, if I may, I think that your issue isn’t really a MiL issue at all. It’s that you feel your marriage is being neglected a bit in the budgeting of your husband’s time. He has had to allocate pretty much all of his time to work, decompress, look after his mother, commute to and from her house mid-week, and sleep in on his only other day off. And while this seems practical, in reality it means you’re left with an half day of really good quality time per week, with a big portion of even that being taken up by cooking him a meal and eating in front of the TV. And it’s okay to feel frustrated, and try to pinpoint what’s happening to your relationship. I think you’re landing on you MiL as the most obvious cause. But I think that’s a red herring.

Your work schedule is different to your husband’s, and from your description of your culture as newlyweds it does sound a bit like you might be left doing pretty much all of the cooking, housework, drudgery, and interaction with the adult child who lives at home, etc. all by yourself with very little help or time together during the week. And that you’d like more time with your husband so you could feel like you were partners. This is understandable.

People are defending your DH because there is really nothing wrong per se with what he’s doing. We don’t know your MiL personally, but whether she is nice or controlling doesn’t really matter here. She actually impacts your issue very little. From what you’ve said, what’s really bothering you seems to be his absence and the unintentional neglect of your partnership. He spends Wednesday night and Thursday with his mother each week. That can be a bit of a strain on making plans, but it’s not unusual or wrong. What IS a bit of a problem is that the relationship itself, like any relationship, needs time and attention. Nobody is actually wrong here. You’re just going about the right thing, the wrong way.

If I may make a suggestion, have a talk with your DH. Tell him that you understand why he is so stretched at the moment, but that you also miss him. Tell him you want to try and work more time together into your schedules to do something fun and relaxing. Talk about possibly getting your work hours in sync, which is so important to a relationship. Talk about planning a mini vacation together (you could offer to do Friday to Wednesday, to show him that it’s his companionship you want, not to remove him from his mother). Be supportive of what he and his siblings are trying to do, and focus on the actual problem: that your relationship needs more attention right now and that it doesn’t actually matter where it comes from. Fill that gap, and you won’t have to see Thursdays as a sacrifice. Your needs will be met, his needs will be met, and your MiL’s needs will be met. Try it, and let us know how it goes.

But ok with daughters seeing their mums all of the time but not men and their parents?

We lived with her for the first year of our marriage.
She would cook only for her and her husband. My SILs and I were left to sort out our own and our husbands' food, washing, etc...
Many a times I asked her to help sort out arguments with my husband when my husband was in the wrong, she would always refuse

Wonder what she would have posted if MN had been about then? But agree with pp, you think she was awful for not being a housekeeper to you?!

Why isn't she nice? She allowed the couple to do their own stuff whilst living under her roof being as independent as possible, she did not interfere in arguments between the couple but was awful enough to fall asleep after work....the op doesn't say how old she was then or how long and busy MILs day was but many woman going through menopause struggle with exhaustion is that so awful ....if she' s elderly now chances are she was going through menopause then. Many people in their late 50s early 60s find a full day of work plus housework etc are exhausting and fall asleep when they sit in an evening....presumably whilst she removed herself to allow the couple to do their own stuff ..and how awful she woke not realising she had slept so long as the children were in bed.

If the brothers and sils do the rest of the week as in 6 days and 5 evenings how are they not doing enough?

He only spends Wednesday nights after work that finishes at 9,10 or 11 because she doesn't want him to come home first...if she hadn't told him to go straight there because she couldn't bare the thought of him going after they are dinner together she would only miss the time she says she doesn't like....watching TV before she goes to bed.

It's up to her if she decided to do everything for her adult child she didn't have to follow cultural norms after all most cultures would accept looking after MIL and she's having none of that she refuses to go and be bored

I don’t get these harsh comments towards you OP. I get why you’re bothered. His mother doesn’t sound like a nice person (assuming from what you posted about grandchildren, living with her etc.).

Why because she didn’t cook and clean for them, even though she allowed them to live in her house?

Understand it would be different if you had the whole weekend together. Sounds really frustrating but ultimately good to let him be there for his family.

It sounds like a really odd relationship. You wanted him home earlier so you told his mum on him😂😂😂.

poor woman - imagine being dragged into your adult son’s relationship like that. How embarrassing for you all.

I think YABVU. It’s one day a week. If he wants to spend his day off spending time/helping his mother then he can. It sounds as if there’s ample opportunity to spend time together once you’re both home however your husband chooses to watch TV etc.

It sounds as if your work times clash with each other as opposed to him helping out his mum. It also sounds as if you don’t like her. Wanting to mention a care home (but won’t because of your culture) just because he spends one day a week with her is awful

So…if she had been a Mother Earth it would be ok? I know some men who have had awful mothers…one used to beat her son with a sweeping brush….he still adored her. There is no algorithm that explains love for a parent….in fact interestingly, it’s often the parents who do absolutely everything for their kids who get forgotten about later. I ran several nursing homes and was always delighted to see kids spending time with their elderly parents because they wanted to.

Oh come one - if you visit your DGC you don't lie asleep on the sofa and then complain to your son that the evil DiL put the kids to be dos you couldn't see them. Not just once but as a routine pattern of behaviour over time.

You do realise most women in their 50s and 60s are still holding down full time jobs without being too exhausted to speak to their grandchildren (whilst also being alert enough to get over to their house)? And if they fell asleep, they would not complain the the child in law had deliberately kept them from the children and try to shit stir between the couple.

I think people should read the OP's posts. She gets one "date night" a week with her husband, which consists of a couple of hours of eating and him watching TV.

Bottom line is that the DH spends a lot more time and effort with his mother than with his wife - not just temporarily after a bereavement or illness but for the last 2.5 years.

That is a lot to ask of any spouse frankly and something needs to change (possibly his work pattern or getting at least some professional care). The MiL finding jobs for him to do which "must" be done immediately and result in him having to stay late is certainly one I've seen before in this situation and its usually a sign that you need some professional help before the load becomes too much.

I’m not sure which culture you belong to….but your expectations of her when you lived in her house were outrageous! Not least trying to get your mother in law to tell off your husband when you had a disagreement! She was kind enough to let you live with her….and now you resent her son spending time with her! Turn the tables….it’s your elderly mum living nearby who wants you there for a day a week…and your husband constantly complaining that you should be home with him….everyone on MN would be saying what an arse your husband was being.

If you read the whole thread….all her children and their partners put in caring time…her husband does one day a week…the other six days are covered by his siblings and grandkids….he is doing his bit. Really nice to see kids caring for their parent….how would you feel if it was OP posting she was doing one day a week with her mum but her husband was complaining saying she should be at home with him? Experiencing MN for many years…I suggest most posters would crush him for being a selfish arse.

This! ⬆️

If you work opposite shift patterns then it's only actually the Thursday evening that you miss together. That seems much more of an issue in terms of not spending enough time together.

Why don't you attempt some compromises? He stays all day but comes home after tea? You go round there & all 3 of you have tea/the evening together? His mum comes round to you for tea on Thursdays? It doesn't have to be all or nothing, surely?

Plus, like people have said, she won't be around forever & she's his MUM! He sounds like he's trying to be a decent son. How would you feel if you were the elderly mum & your kids' partner resented them spending time with you?

She isn't alone 90% of the time - in fact she is never alone.

The OP has tried compromise (him coming home so that they have an hour or two together on Wednesday night) and the MiL finds jobs for him which "have" to be done before he can leave.

Its all in the OP's posts if you read them.

@BusyMum47 i would like to think if I was the elderly mum that I wouldn’t want my DC to be tied to be caring for me, especially if it meant their relationships with their partners and DC would be suffering. How often can the DH be seeing his own DC?

What expectations? The OP wasn't expecting her MiL to cook/clean for them simply forestalling the usual assumption on these threads that she would have been housekeeping for everyone under the roof.

I think you should read the OP's posts - she is looking for a compromise, some time with her actual husband. If his work pattern can't change and he won't get out of bed until the afternoon on a Saturday and the family "won't allow" professional care then what is that compromise?
This "poor old lady" in her 70s used to lie to her son about the DiL limiting access to her grandchildren (in whom she showed no actual interest) and manages to find jobs to keep him late on Wednesdays so he doesn't have time with the OP.

Its good that the family want to provide some care for her, but lets not pretend every old person will be nice about it - particularly those who have been interfering or manipulative in relationships in the past will continue to do exactly that.

If you have never come across the dominating matriarch and supine sons in families then ask around your acquaintances - its not rare and it does cause much family strife as they are torn between desperately wanting to do the "right thing" and being played like chess pieces.

Sorry I don't know how to shorten the quote....
She gets home at 3 ...he gets home between 9 and 12 they sit while he eats and watches TV ..like most couples that's her normal evening on top she gets a date night ....more than normal couples.....then she could have all of Saturday he stays in bed...he doesn't have to stay in bed he gets all the other mornings to stay in bed when she's at work....he doesn't do nights he does a late shift to has more sleep than most of us but that's not have s mil that's what he's allowed in their marriage.
We don't know if the mil came to visit after a late or night shifts or if she had an underlying condition or how old she was at the time ...she could have been 80 she could have dementia .....when they were living with her she seems to have been reasonable and kept out of the marriage....now they don't need to live with her op doesn't want to even visit.

No his wife the op told him not to come home before going to have s mums because it upsets her him going so she has pushed him away for that night

no - she is quite clear in her posts (as is the current age of the MiL if you read them), that is the date night. Working nights /mother nights she is usually in bed by the time he gets home and if he does get home before she goes to bed he is too exhausted to do anything.

I'm intrigued as to what is this job which in a late shift of what sounds like about 10 hours requires him to sleep well into the afternoon on Saturday but this is what he does. Seems to me that both DH and MiL are prioritising themselves and their own wishes and the wife is expected to like it and lump it.