Page 12 | DH spends whole day off with his mother.

clantis · 2022-12-29T16:30:46+00:00

I have name changed as to not to be outed. My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday. He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day. He has five other brothers. He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning. His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different. His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5. I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side. AIBU?

vivainsomnia · 30/12/2022 10:56

I would feel suffocated if my oh expected that sane level of attention and presence as you do.

Ironically, my OH is visiting his mum right now and I love having the house for myself.

I think it's great that he devotes much time for his mum. I hope my DS will enjoy my company too and that his wife won't put such pressure on him to spend almost all his spare time with her.

jannier · 30/12/2022 10:57

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 10:23

@BusyMum47 i would like to think if I was the elderly mum that I wouldn’t want my DC to be tied to be caring for me, especially if it meant their relationships with their partners and DC would be suffering. How often can the DH be seeing his own DC?

The DC is an adult who op waits on doing everything for
Maybe the children husband included don't want their mother in care so have split the week between them ....could be for mums benefit or obviously to not have to pay from what must be a large property if at one time 3 or more couples lived there.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 11:00

vivainsomnia · 30/12/2022 10:56

I would feel suffocated if my oh expected that sane level of attention and presence as you do.

Ironically, my OH is visiting his mum right now and I love having the house for myself.

I think it's great that he devotes much time for his mum. I hope my DS will enjoy my company too and that his wife won't put such pressure on him to spend almost all his spare time with her.

You would feel suffocated if your spouse wanted to spend more than a couple of hours with you over supper and him watching TV on a Saturday night?

I've always believed in both spouses having their own lives and interests but that level of time is more like housemates than a marriage.

RedPost · 30/12/2022 11:01

Well I must be a proper cow because I'd be amazed of he's actually spending all the time with his mother...possibly why she doesn't want to talk about it?

boredOf · 30/12/2022 11:01

Why are you not having this conversation with your DH?
Set time limits to be home

jannier · 30/12/2022 11:03

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 10:55

no - she is quite clear in her posts (as is the current age of the MiL if you read them), that is the date night. Working nights /mother nights she is usually in bed by the time he gets home and if he does get home before she goes to bed he is too exhausted to do anything.

I'm intrigued as to what is this job which in a late shift of what sounds like about 10 hours requires him to sleep well into the afternoon on Saturday but this is what he does. Seems to me that both DH and MiL are prioritising themselves and their own wishes and the wife is expected to like it and lump it.

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It's only Thursday night she goes to bed before he's in not the other nights . if she didn't do everything for her married child that lives with her the 6 hour shift she does wouldn't leave her so shattered.

MoreSleepPleasee · 30/12/2022 11:04

Yabu that's his mother. He sounds like a great man actually.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/12/2022 11:33

Solonge · 30/12/2022 10:18

If you read the whole thread….all her children and their partners put in caring time…her husband does one day a week…the other six days are covered by his siblings and grandkids….he is doing his bit. Really nice to see kids caring for their parent….how would you feel if it was OP posting she was doing one day a week with her mum but her husband was complaining saying she should be at home with him? Experiencing MN for many years…I suggest most posters would crush him for being a selfish arse.

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You misunderstand. I think the husband is doing the right thing by sharing the care equally with his siblings.

vivainsomnia · 30/12/2022 11:38

You would feel suffocated if your spouse wanted to spend more than a couple of hours with you over supper and him watching TV on a Saturday night?
No, I would feel suffocated if they moaned that one evening I am not back after they've gone to bed, asked my mum to send me home early and I stayed I only go twice a month.

Why does OP not moan about him sleeping most of the day Saturday when they could spend more time together instead of expecting him to stop seeing his mum every Thursday.

It does sound like jealousy to me more than anything else, or an extreme need of companionship, maybe because of boredom.

Solonge · 30/12/2022 11:38

Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/12/2022 11:33

You misunderstand. I think the husband is doing the right thing by sharing the care equally with his siblings.

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Apologies…think it was meant for the person your comment was replying to…

Dontlikeveg · 30/12/2022 11:49

DuplicateUserName · 29/12/2022 16:54

The more you post, the more I can the attraction of spending time with his mum.

😅

LifesABotch · 30/12/2022 12:04

YABU, the post came across as pretty selfish, sorry.

orchid220 · 30/12/2022 12:34

boredOf · 30/12/2022 11:01

Why are you not having this conversation with your DH?
Set time limits to be home

Seriously? OP isn't his parent or employer. You don't set time limits on when an adult is home.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 20:59

jannier · 30/12/2022 11:03

It's only Thursday night she goes to bed before he's in not the other nights . if she didn't do everything for her married child that lives with her the 6 hour shift she does wouldn't leave her so shattered.

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His shifts finish varyingly between 9-11. The Thursday visit is a four hour round trip for the whole day until about 11-1am.

I don't know what time the OP goes to bed but average for adults working office type hours is somewhere around 10-10.30 if rising at 7ish like the OP.

From the OP also, if her husband does get home from his shifts before she is in bed he says he is too shattered tired do do anything.

The only other day he is off work, he sleeps most of the day and their time together is a couple of hours whilst he eats and watches TV. No time in his schedule for the OP or any of the housework by the sound of it, which presumably falls to the OP. There is no time in his schedule for anyone else in the family either.

I'm astonished how many people think this is ok, not just for a short period or temporarily after bereavement/illness but for years with the prospect of another decade or more without relief. If the MiL actually needs 100% care then relatives are rarely the best option to provide all of it for a myriad of reasons, one of which is the stress on the wider family relationships.

Presumably all the women here cheerleading for the DH and hoping their own sons would similarly ignore their wives and families to prioritise the mother to this extent are the MiLs people so often post about here.

Me - I'd want my kids to find a more balanced solution all round, not be saintly sons or daughters at the cost of being lousy husbands or wives.

BadNomad · 30/12/2022 21:15

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 20:59

His shifts finish varyingly between 9-11. The Thursday visit is a four hour round trip for the whole day until about 11-1am.

I don't know what time the OP goes to bed but average for adults working office type hours is somewhere around 10-10.30 if rising at 7ish like the OP.

From the OP also, if her husband does get home from his shifts before she is in bed he says he is too shattered tired do do anything.

The only other day he is off work, he sleeps most of the day and their time together is a couple of hours whilst he eats and watches TV. No time in his schedule for the OP or any of the housework by the sound of it, which presumably falls to the OP. There is no time in his schedule for anyone else in the family either.

I'm astonished how many people think this is ok, not just for a short period or temporarily after bereavement/illness but for years with the prospect of another decade or more without relief. If the MiL actually needs 100% care then relatives are rarely the best option to provide all of it for a myriad of reasons, one of which is the stress on the wider family relationships.

Presumably all the women here cheerleading for the DH and hoping their own sons would similarly ignore their wives and families to prioritise the mother to this extent are the MiLs people so often post about here.

Me - I'd want my kids to find a more balanced solution all round, not be saintly sons or daughters at the cost of being lousy husbands or wives.

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But the only impact of her DH caring for his mother is that she doesn't get the 2 hours of TV watching with him on Thursday night, which she doesn't think counts anyway. Everything else in your post is because of his job. The late nights, him sleeping all day on Saturday, them only having one day off together (the OP works on Thurs) - none of that is because of MIL.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 21:29

BadNomad · 30/12/2022 21:15

But the only impact of her DH caring for his mother is that she doesn't get the 2 hours of TV watching with him on Thursday night, which she doesn't think counts anyway. Everything else in your post is because of his job. The late nights, him sleeping all day on Saturday, them only having one day off together (the OP works on Thurs) - none of that is because of MIL.

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And the fact that he sleeps all day Saturday because he is tired - tiredness which is also from spending his only other day off doing the four hour round trip and about 16 hours with his mother (from the timings). I'd be shattered after that as well.

If he wasn't dong the long round trip to his mother on Thursday they could consider other options that day.

Upthread I suggested him changing shifts as one of the options to consider along with a number of other ways around it, one of which could be paying for some care to reduce the load. I

They need to find a better balance in life and that won't happen without some changes. Part of that change may be altering shifts, part may be accepting that they should employ carers for at least some of the care needs - maybe the evenings.

BadNomad · 30/12/2022 21:49

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 21:29

And the fact that he sleeps all day Saturday because he is tired - tiredness which is also from spending his only other day off doing the four hour round trip and about 16 hours with his mother (from the timings). I'd be shattered after that as well.

If he wasn't dong the long round trip to his mother on Thursday they could consider other options that day.

Upthread I suggested him changing shifts as one of the options to consider along with a number of other ways around it, one of which could be paying for some care to reduce the load. I

They need to find a better balance in life and that won't happen without some changes. Part of that change may be altering shifts, part may be accepting that they should employ carers for at least some of the care needs - maybe the evenings.

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He goes to his mother's on Weds night, then sleeps in late like he does on Sat. So he only actually spends half the day awake with her then drives 2 hours home. So this is not why he sleeps late on Sat. He's either really tired because of his job, or he's a selfish lazy shit.

Either way, the only time him and the OP would have together on Thur is the hours after she gets home from work and when she goes to bed. Similar for on her other day off - the couple of hours between him waking up and going to work. It's not much time.

orchid220 · 30/12/2022 21:49

They need to find a better balance in life and that won't happen without some changes. Part of that change may be altering shifts, part may be accepting that they should employ carers for at least some of the care needs - maybe the evenings.

Why should he and his siblings spend a fortune on carers if they are happy to do the care themselves? OP is the one complaining, not the people doing the work.

KarmaStar · 30/12/2022 22:09

Go with him! Or perhaps go a couple of evenings a week and do her shopping so your dh doesn't have to.if you maybe did more for her he would spend a little less time there in one go.
but please remember that he should be allowed time with his mum whilst she's alive.
if you don't want to help out you could do something else in the evenings,a hobby or charity work possibly.
not a good idea to make him choose between you.

jannier · 30/12/2022 22:39

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2022 20:59

His shifts finish varyingly between 9-11. The Thursday visit is a four hour round trip for the whole day until about 11-1am.

I don't know what time the OP goes to bed but average for adults working office type hours is somewhere around 10-10.30 if rising at 7ish like the OP.

From the OP also, if her husband does get home from his shifts before she is in bed he says he is too shattered tired do do anything.

The only other day he is off work, he sleeps most of the day and their time together is a couple of hours whilst he eats and watches TV. No time in his schedule for the OP or any of the housework by the sound of it, which presumably falls to the OP. There is no time in his schedule for anyone else in the family either.

I'm astonished how many people think this is ok, not just for a short period or temporarily after bereavement/illness but for years with the prospect of another decade or more without relief. If the MiL actually needs 100% care then relatives are rarely the best option to provide all of it for a myriad of reasons, one of which is the stress on the wider family relationships.

Presumably all the women here cheerleading for the DH and hoping their own sons would similarly ignore their wives and families to prioritise the mother to this extent are the MiLs people so often post about here.

Me - I'd want my kids to find a more balanced solution all round, not be saintly sons or daughters at the cost of being lousy husbands or wives.

Show quote history

The man has all morning to get up and do housework he does a late shift not nights....so like many of us who are up until midnight but work at 7am he has until midday every working day .....that's the real argument why she lets him sleep in .....but she also chooses to do her married adult child's cooling washing....everything for them...because they live at home so presumably does not want anyone doing housework other than her.....perhaps why she slags off MiL for not doing her food and washing when they lived in MIls home for 2 years.
I think most couples spend the evening watching TV with no date nights....so what she's loosing is from 6pm to between 9 and 11 when he works. They then watch TV until she goes to bed. On Wednesday she doesn't want h home but he comes home then leaves after dinner to drive 2 hours to hear s mother's....in time she goes to bed. On Thursday she works until 3pm so looses 3 pm to her bed time.( Lots of people have a hobby and would be out half a day on their day off without their partner so no different. On Saturday he chooses to stay in bed again....she lets him..
So why is she waiting on him and letting him laze about? Nothing to do with him taking his turn and fair share of caring for mum but her resenting mil not doing ops housework when they lived with mil.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2022 09:09

jannier · 30/12/2022 22:39

The man has all morning to get up and do housework he does a late shift not nights....so like many of us who are up until midnight but work at 7am he has until midday every working day .....that's the real argument why she lets him sleep in .....but she also chooses to do her married adult child's cooling washing....everything for them...because they live at home so presumably does not want anyone doing housework other than her.....perhaps why she slags off MiL for not doing her food and washing when they lived in MIls home for 2 years.
I think most couples spend the evening watching TV with no date nights....so what she's loosing is from 6pm to between 9 and 11 when he works. They then watch TV until she goes to bed. On Wednesday she doesn't want h home but he comes home then leaves after dinner to drive 2 hours to hear s mother's....in time she goes to bed. On Thursday she works until 3pm so looses 3 pm to her bed time.( Lots of people have a hobby and would be out half a day on their day off without their partner so no different. On Saturday he chooses to stay in bed again....she lets him..
So why is she waiting on him and letting him laze about? Nothing to do with him taking his turn and fair share of caring for mum but her resenting mil not doing ops housework when they lived with mil.

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So apparently its not just the OP you can't read - you can't read mine either. Or you are willfully misrepresenting them.

I'll leave you too it hun.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2022 09:13

BadNomad · 30/12/2022 21:49

He goes to his mother's on Weds night, then sleeps in late like he does on Sat. So he only actually spends half the day awake with her then drives 2 hours home. So this is not why he sleeps late on Sat. He's either really tired because of his job, or he's a selfish lazy shit.

Either way, the only time him and the OP would have together on Thur is the hours after she gets home from work and when she goes to bed. Similar for on her other day off - the couple of hours between him waking up and going to work. It's not much time.

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Yes agree, it isn't much, and especially not at a time of life when most couples are finally getting a bit more time together after raising a family.

It isn't much to build a future and an old age on if they don't change something - its all too easy to drift apart or for couples to find themselves as nothing more than housemates at this stage in life and both partners need input to how they balance time and tasks.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 09:14

OP's had a bit of a kicking on this thread. OP if you're still reading I would just take a moment to reflect on why this bothers you. Do you have a bad relationship with your MiL? Do you feel reliant on your DH? Does his mum being old and frail make you feel anxious about ageing yourself?

Obviously you resent your DH caring for his mum and those feelings are valid but not necessarily rational. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you should act on those feelings.

HallieBo · 31/12/2022 09:17

You sound selfish

Solonge · 01/01/2023 20:21

clantis · 29/12/2022 16:48

There's always someone else taking care of her. He alternates with his brothers and SILs. Her grandson lived with her for years too.
She has company 100% of the time.

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But if you DH didnt put in his share of her care....she wouldnt have someone with her all the time would she? I think a major problem here is that your husband isnt making time to spend with you. He changed working days so he would spend Saturday with you but lies in bed half the day...do you think its less to do with his mother and more to do with him?