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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends whole day off with his mother.

336 replies

clantis · 29/12/2022 16:30

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 29/12/2022 19:37

I agree with @aloris and I didn’t know it was a 2 hour drive. Something needs to change.

JonahAndTheSnail · 29/12/2022 19:41

He shouldn't be waking you up late at night/in the early hours when he gets home, that is unreasonable. I do think it's admirable that you don't expect your children to drop their families to spend time with you and that's the way it should be. Your DH should be free to choose how to spend his free time how he chooses, to an extent, and it does sound like he is trying to spend one of his days off with you and one with his Mum. I would try to compromise on the late night errands, as that does sound like a rubbish and unecessary arrangement for both your DH and yourself as you're both working.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:42

She also says she sits with him while he eats dinner, they watch TV, then she goes to bed because she has to get up early. He doesn't go to bed then.

But a poster said why can’t you see him after he finishes work and she said because he’s too tired to hang out after work - implying they’re not doing these things when he finishes.

And if she is spending a couple hours watching TV with him after work then she is spending time with him and not going bed until 11pm, which isn’t much different to the time he gets home on Thursday, yet she finds it disruptive.

It’s fair enough if he needs time to wind down and ends up going next later but he is able to sleep all day for most of the week so he could get up earlier on a saturday.
If he went bed at 2am and got up at 10am he’d still have 8 hours sleep and a full day to spend with OP.

Woopzies · 29/12/2022 19:44

Listen OP, when MIL dies you can have your husband all to yourself...

Clingy or what?! 🤔

LlynTegid · 29/12/2022 19:45

To me the issue is the late arrival home. If it was earlier I would not have an issue with it.

Canthave2manycats · 29/12/2022 19:52

clantis · 29/12/2022 17:21

I lived with her for the first year of our marriage.
She would cook only for her and her husband. My SILs and I were left to sort out our own and our husbands' food, washing, etc...
Many a times I asked her to help sort out arguments with my husband when my husband was in the wrong, she would always refuse to get involved.
She never helped with the kids. She would come visit, sleep on the sofa all day, wake up at 6pm when the kids were in bed, and complain in front of my husband that I put them to bed early so she wouldn't see them.

Show quote history

I'm struggling to understand what is wrong with, "She would cook only for her and her husband. My SILs and I were left to sort out our own and our husbands' food, washing, etc...
Many a times I asked her to help sort out arguments with my husband when my husband was in the wrong, she would always refuse to get involved.
She never helped with the kids."

I don't understand why you would have expected her to cook for you, do your washing. sort out arguments with your husband, or help with the kids?? What about your husband and your SIL's DH - were their arms painted on?

I think you are being very unreasonable. Your DH is a good man to care for his mother in this way - what use would he be to his mother a couple of times a month? Compromise, eg stay in bed with him on a Saturday morning - am sure you can find something to do there! Don't come between your DH and his mother - he will always resent you for it.

Mari9999 · 29/12/2022 19:52

OP, as hard as it is for you to accept, he is spending time in the way that he thinks that he should. If his coming in so late on the one night disturbs you and the other adult child in the home, why not suggest that he just stay over at his mom's house on that night? That way , you won't be disturbed and he could just as easily sleep there.

Your problem is that you want him to do what you think right as opposed to what he feels morally obligated to do. Maybe you could find some hobby or interest that could keep you occupied for the evening and night that he spends with his mother. He may not enjoy spending time with you if it means leaving his wheel chair bound mom alone on what he considers to be his shift.

If you complain enough, you might compel him to make a change in his schedule, but the results might no be the happy companion that you expect. A resentful guilt ridden husband may not find time together such a pleasurable experience. Sometimes , you have to be careful of what you wish .

Runningslow · 29/12/2022 19:53

These replies are bizarre. Of course you’re not being unreasonable if you only get to see him one day a week.

jannier · 29/12/2022 19:54

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:09

Also why is he waking up in the afternoon on Saturday if he finishes by 11?

I’d be tackling this issue first.

Yep especially as he gets Monday Tuesday wednesday, sunday and Friday to lie in way longer than if he worked days.

CuddlesPleaseTiddles · 29/12/2022 19:55

So your dh is having a date night with you, you're together most nights, he's trying to juggle caring for his elderly mother, and you're complaining that on Saturdays you're together but he sleeps too long. You sound like hard work op. Why don't you find a hobby?

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 29/12/2022 19:55

This thread really confirms, this is NOT the place to come and get considered, thoughtful,
constructive advice.

Irisheyesareshining · 29/12/2022 19:59

YABU, try being all alone and then come back and ask this question .

Againstmachine · 29/12/2022 19:59

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 29/12/2022 19:55

This thread really confirms, this is NOT the place to come and get considered, thoughtful,
constructive advice.

It's AIBU it's not a forum for advice.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2022 20:01

It is only once a week and his Mother is probably very lonely., you need to try and see it from her point of view.

emptythelitterbox · 29/12/2022 20:07

Will he switch to day shifts? That would be the logical solution.

That would help out a lot. He could go have tea with her a couple evenings a week and then be able to participate in his family life too.

PrincessArora · 29/12/2022 20:08

I haven’t read all of this thread, but enough to get the picture. A son is taking his turn along with other family members in caring for his elderly disabled mother one night a week, he comes home to see you first but that upsets you to ‘see him go’. I’m not being rude here, but what are you complaining about? Use that one night a week for something for you; that doesn’t involve your husband. You are being completely unreasonable - will you expect your children to visit you when you’re old? It’s a two hour drive! Give the guy a break. Unbelievable. You sound like you’re twelve. You could always offer for her to live with you? Guessing that won’t fit your picture though.

magicthree · 29/12/2022 20:14

I really don't get the issue. DH is away on Thursdays, OP is at work. Presumably OP has two days off each week, DH is home on Saturday and as he doesn't start work until the middle of the afternoon then surely he is home on the morning of her other day off? Most long term couples I know don't spend an entire two days together every week, and as I previously mentioned many couples don't have the same two days off each week.

Treeeeeeee · 29/12/2022 20:17

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 29/12/2022 19:55

This thread really confirms, this is NOT the place to come and get considered, thoughtful,
constructive advice.

Well if you come here, tell everyone about the 100 ways you are being a twat, then funnily enough you will be called out for being a twat. Be a nice human and the responses will be mush more considered and constructive

keeprunning55 · 29/12/2022 20:28

You have my sympathy and understanding. It’s lovely that he spends this time with his dm, but it is excessive & unfair on you.

My mil would happily have my dh leave us and live with her. I can’t tell you the amount of times she suddenly comes down with something just as he is leaving to come home, often resulting in trips to a & e & given the all clear hours or sometimes days later. I understand that it is probably anxiety and trying to be in control, but like you op, Incant imagine treating my own dc like this.

Blossomtoes · 29/12/2022 20:31

keeprunning55 · 29/12/2022 20:28

You have my sympathy and understanding. It’s lovely that he spends this time with his dm, but it is excessive & unfair on you.

My mil would happily have my dh leave us and live with her. I can’t tell you the amount of times she suddenly comes down with something just as he is leaving to come home, often resulting in trips to a & e & given the all clear hours or sometimes days later. I understand that it is probably anxiety and trying to be in control, but like you op, Incant imagine treating my own dc like this.

Is your mil in her 80s, wheelchair bound and cared for 24/7 by her entire family? If not, there’s no comparison.

Concernedneighbour21 · 29/12/2022 20:36

I hope my sons are as wonderful as your husband 💕

TheMamaYo · 29/12/2022 20:58

Hold on..? You expected her to cook/ clean for you lot AND to get involved in your arguments?
You don’t come across well here.

keeprunning55 · 29/12/2022 22:03

Blossomtoes · 29/12/2022 20:31

Is your mil in her 80s, wheelchair bound and cared for 24/7 by her entire family? If not, there’s no comparison.

Show quote history

@Blossomtoes

I don’t particularly feel age & ability is what matters here. I agree that it’s lovely he cares for his dm, but the amount of time he spends with her is affecting his relationship with his wife.

The amount of ‘lasts Christmases with us‘ are now in double figures with my mil. Nobody knows how long or short a life we have.

For what it’s worth, my mil is in her 90’s & has 24 hr care. Age hasn’t changed how much time he spends with her. I only recently found out he was home every month during university too.
I would never expect or ask my dc to do this.

Confusion101 · 29/12/2022 22:18

He alternates with his brothers and SILs. Have you ever done any of the caring or just the other SIL? (which means one of your DH brother's spends 2 evenings a week away from their OH)

I would be okay with it if it was less frequent, once or twice a month.Why do you think you are so special as to have your DH home one day extra (while you are working)? Do the other 6 people not have families? Do you want one of these people to more than their fair share or what would you propose?

I tell him to just go to hers straight from work on Wednesdays as it upsets me too much to see him leave. So you want him to be home for dinner on a Thursday to spend time with you but want him to leave earlier on a Wednesday to spend less time with you???

One of our kids still lives at home. So you have company. It's not like you are home alone.

All of this sceams selfishness, narcissism, and that your time is far more valuable than any of your inlaws.

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 22:24

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 19:42

She also says she sits with him while he eats dinner, they watch TV, then she goes to bed because she has to get up early. He doesn't go to bed then.

But a poster said why can’t you see him after he finishes work and she said because he’s too tired to hang out after work - implying they’re not doing these things when he finishes.

And if she is spending a couple hours watching TV with him after work then she is spending time with him and not going bed until 11pm, which isn’t much different to the time he gets home on Thursday, yet she finds it disruptive.

It’s fair enough if he needs time to wind down and ends up going next later but he is able to sleep all day for most of the week so he could get up earlier on a saturday.
If he went bed at 2am and got up at 10am he’d still have 8 hours sleep and a full day to spend with OP.

I know. But if he gets 8 hours sleep all week, then Saturday is the only day he gets a lie in. There is plenty of time for them to do something the rest of the day, but the OP thinks the day is already wasted because he isn't up at 7am with her. There is no reason she can't spend Thursday with him. She just doesn't want to because it doesn't interest her. And for some reason, watching TV with him in the evening doesn't count as time together. It's because she finishes at 3 that him finishing at 9/10/11 feels bored/lonely. If she had a full-time 9-5 job (or hobbies) she wouldn't be complaining about never seeing him.