MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

snowies · 2022-12-29T10:33:55+00:00

Is this weird ? MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ). So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday. I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling. Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it. I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

TooBored1 · 29/12/2022 10:53

Are you still with the father? If so, surely one for him to deal with? But I'm with you, v weird and controlling.

Lilliflip · 29/12/2022 10:55

Tell her you appreciate her buying you clothes, but don’t have time for this shit.

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2022 10:55

You ignore her and if she kicks off you get her son to deal with it

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 10:56

My ils never had my mobile number for this very batshit reason..
Forward the messages to her ds... Every time.

Slimjimtobe · 29/12/2022 10:56

How often do you see or hear from her. My dh deals with his mother not me (just as I deal with mine and don’t expect him to)

I am polite and respectful but I remember once getting told off for not visiting his aunt once (not my aunt) and she said it to me and not dh and I said to dh anymore he deals with stuff

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2022 10:56

"I've already chosen an outfit for Christmas day". Why lie? What's she going to do? (Stop buying clothes hopefully)

upfucked · 29/12/2022 10:58

How old are you kids? Mine are 6 and 3 and choose which clothes they want to wear. Can you do the same and say the kids choose their own clothes? For special days you can prime them and say in advance oh this dress would be lovely to wear for x partyZ

NoelleSnowman · 29/12/2022 10:58

Well when anyone buys my children clothes I take a photo of them in it and send it to them to say thank you. Even my mum and MIL.

HarvestThyme · 29/12/2022 10:58

This is your dp's problem to deal with. Forward all messages to him.

WeepingSomnambulist · 29/12/2022 10:59

"I really dont understand why you keep sending me pics of clothes you have bought them. I know. We have the clothes. They wear the clothes. I am not organising clothes to be worn to your schedule. Please stop being so weird about clothes. I'm not having this conversation with you again. I have tried to be gentle about this but it doesnt seem like you're going to stop unless I am blunt about it.
We're very grateful for all the things that you buy the children, and we dont waste things so the clothes are used and enjoyed. That is all we need to say about them. Dont bring them up again."

Here you go. That is almost exactly the message I sent to my ex's mum. However, he is an ex and his family didnt even see my children for 4 years because he decided he wanted no contact and they went with him. They've only been seeing the kids for a short whole now so whenever they try to do something controlling, I shut it down. I added some pleases and the grateful line since you guys are still a happy family. I didnt say those.

Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:00

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2022 10:56

"I've already chosen an outfit for Christmas day". Why lie? What's she going to do? (Stop buying clothes hopefully)

I didn't want to seem horrible. So my plan was actually to put her in her outfits and we tried them on the day but they were just too big and didn't look right, so I put them in mine. She tends to buy stuff that's quite big for them to grow into. Whereas if it's a special occasion, I buy things that fit well.

Anyway, I probably should have mentioned I have something, but I genuinely thought if they look cute in hers, I'll put them in hers- or part of the day at least, but it just didn't look good.

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Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:01

NoelleSnowman · 29/12/2022 10:58

Well when anyone buys my children clothes I take a photo of them in it and send it to them to say thank you. Even my mum and MIL.

Almost their entire wardrobe is gifted and I don't always remember by who / which ones I bought and which ones were gifted. I sometimes take a pic though !

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VainAbigail · 29/12/2022 11:04

What are the ages of your kids? Do they not choose what they want to wear?

Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:05

VainAbigail · 29/12/2022 11:04

What are the ages of your kids? Do they not choose what they want to wear?

They're under 3, so don't choose.

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liveforsummer · 29/12/2022 11:05

How old are dc? Unless they are babies I'm surprised you're doing so much 'putting them in clothes' anyway

Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:06

WeepingSomnambulist · 29/12/2022 10:59

"I really dont understand why you keep sending me pics of clothes you have bought them. I know. We have the clothes. They wear the clothes. I am not organising clothes to be worn to your schedule. Please stop being so weird about clothes. I'm not having this conversation with you again. I have tried to be gentle about this but it doesnt seem like you're going to stop unless I am blunt about it.
We're very grateful for all the things that you buy the children, and we dont waste things so the clothes are used and enjoyed. That is all we need to say about them. Dont bring them up again."

Here you go. That is almost exactly the message I sent to my ex's mum. However, he is an ex and his family didnt even see my children for 4 years because he decided he wanted no contact and they went with him. They've only been seeing the kids for a short whole now so whenever they try to do something controlling, I shut it down. I added some pleases and the grateful line since you guys are still a happy family. I didnt say those.

She'd flip. I would never send that to her, but thank you.

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CeciliaMars · 29/12/2022 11:08

This is extremely controlling of her. You don't give gifts to then tell people when and how to use them. Maybe just say politely that whilst you appreciate the gifts, it is up to you and your children (heaven forbid they have a say in what they wear!) when they wear then, and if she is not OK with her, she needs to stop buying your family clothes. I wonder whether she is controlling in other ways too?

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 11:12

Who has time for such nonsense? Your mil is nuts.

My ds has drawers for t-shirts, sweaters, jeans, undies. Gifted clothes go in the drawer with everything else and ds chooses from what's in the drawers each morning. He's done it since he was 3.

If I tried to 'put him in' an outfit that wasn't comfy or didn't fit, he'd just take it off and put something else on.

Beamur · 29/12/2022 11:13

Is your MIL trying to dress the kids on all their special occasions? If so, she's not really doing that to be nice to you or the kids, it's about her - she's had her turn with her own kids, it's yours now.
If you otherwise get on well with her, I'd either not reply immediately to her texts or just say that you've already got the child something you want them to wear and you'll use her clothes another time. Rinse and repeat.
Same for the queries about other clothes, just say it's been worn at another occasion.

keri17 · 29/12/2022 11:14

send Her a doll

Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:21

keri17 · 29/12/2022 11:14

send Her a doll

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Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:24

CeciliaMars · 29/12/2022 11:08

This is extremely controlling of her. You don't give gifts to then tell people when and how to use them. Maybe just say politely that whilst you appreciate the gifts, it is up to you and your children (heaven forbid they have a say in what they wear!) when they wear then, and if she is not OK with her, she needs to stop buying your family clothes. I wonder whether she is controlling in other ways too?

Ha ha yeah... my MIL will think I'm a push over if I let them decide what to wear... they're still a bit small to decide, but once they can, she will not appreciate me giving in to that.

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Nikla · 29/12/2022 11:24

Yeah, that's really weird and controlling.

Could your husband have a word with her? Just sort of asking her to reign it in with the messages about clothing etc.

I would start ignoring her messages if she is asking about the clothes. If she asks you to your face say that you do put them in the clothes and that you are finding it quite stressful her always mentioning it.

My MIL did this for a little bit. I think it's almost losing control of the old family life. No longer in charge of her Son and can't control your life with the kids.

Mine told me she had bought a dress for my eldest and that she was to wear it on Xmas day. I just put her in the dress that I'd bought and didn't mention it. She did make a few comments about how I hadn't dressed them in her clothes and when one had a rip in it she said that it had been done on purpose 🙈. She grew out of it by 2nd child though but doesn't sound like yours has 😩.

I think unfortunately it will need a conversation/nice message and hope for the best!

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2022 11:27

she sounds slightly bonkers.
I think I'd keep a note of her gifts and put the children in them when she is going to see them - but beyond that - batshit.

Original poster

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:29

Nikla · 29/12/2022 11:24

Yeah, that's really weird and controlling.

Could your husband have a word with her? Just sort of asking her to reign it in with the messages about clothing etc.

I would start ignoring her messages if she is asking about the clothes. If she asks you to your face say that you do put them in the clothes and that you are finding it quite stressful her always mentioning it.

My MIL did this for a little bit. I think it's almost losing control of the old family life. No longer in charge of her Son and can't control your life with the kids.

Mine told me she had bought a dress for my eldest and that she was to wear it on Xmas day. I just put her in the dress that I'd bought and didn't mention it. She did make a few comments about how I hadn't dressed them in her clothes and when one had a rip in it she said that it had been done on purpose 🙈. She grew out of it by 2nd child though but doesn't sound like yours has 😩.

I think unfortunately it will need a conversation/nice message and hope for the best!

She'll go nuts if I say anything. She'll say I'm horrible / sensitive / ungrateful and that she just means well. She always says that when I bring anything up. I have stopped bringing things up and just try to ignore her ways. But this clothes things is starting to bug me now. She is very confronting about it.

My mum sometimes suggests outfits for certain days, but never takes it to heart if I don't use those outfits, thankfully !

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