MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

[snowies]

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

If my mil buys my son something I usually send her a picture of him the first time he wears it just to be nice. But she doesn't dictate when she wants him to wear things or send me weird messages.

I agree with a previous poster that you should just be honest if it's a special occasion and you already have an outfit picked out, but say the clothes would be lovely for another day. Maybe send her the odd picture of your children wearing clothes she's bought. But don't be bullied into dressing them in specific clothes for a special day.

Your mil is crazy and given how she treats you I’d be going very low contact. So she buys your kids clothes, big deal. All the stress from her shitty attitude and mean behaviour surely isn’t worth that.

Also, op, if she treats you like this now how do you think she’s going to treat your children in the future when they step out of her line? Put a stop to this now.

Yeah. Bit weird.
My MIL buys awful clothes for my son - he is only 18 months old but gets bought Xbox/Minecraft themed stuff. He’s a baby right now and has no interest in that stuff. I know the time will come that he wants to wear clothes like that but I’m keeping him out of them as long as possible, there’s no rush for him to grow up. I politely thank her then shove them to the back of wardrobe and might trot them out when she comes to visit.

When I say she buys me outfits for the kids, I mean like 10 for each child. It's a lot of stuff.

Well, she has done the last two round of clothes. My mum also got them around the same and I've also bought them the odd bits an bobs. I know it seems like a lot, but I have a baby who poos himself constantly and a toddler who was learning to potty train recently.. So we got though a lot! And they've also grown so much lately, so just going through clothes like crazy.

Yea, I could take a photo of them every day, but I just feel like I don't have to justify it and play this game. It never ends otherwise.

I think I’m a bit like you @snowies and I’ve had some issues with my PIL in the past. After a particular incident my DH spoke to his parents and MIL was upset. But you know what? They got over it and know where our boundaries are and I think we get along better for it now. They are more considerate now and don’t just ignore me or put me down randomly anymore.

You can either ignore and breeze through, or put your hard hat on and deal with people not liking you because you set boundaries. Don’t care more about someone else’s feelings than they care about yours.

she called him traitor

So she thinks there are two sides? Tell her, as gently as you might have to, that you’re both on the same side. You both want the best for DC but you’re her mum and you make the daily decisions because you’re there (and know what’s clean and suitable). Tell her there’s a problem with sizes - you put your kids in outfits that fit them now. If she tantrums leave the room and only engage when she’s calm.
Basically just treat her like the toddler she’s behaving as.

Yeah it sounds similar. I know they try more now. We just don't communicate that much. It's better that way. If I had never stood up to her, it would be way worse.

But the clothes situation is doing my head in.

She said he was betraying his family by standing up for me.. I mean that says it all really.

In any case, it's a lost cause in my opinion.

Tell your DH he's dealing with her from now on, then block her messages. No one has time for this level of crazy.

Hi @snowies my ex-MIL was a bit like this too. Complete control freak. So domineering. The problem is it won't stop unless you confront her yourself. So you need to do what @WeepingSomnambulist suggested.

I used to write on the hanging tag who gave the gift and would send them a photo when it was worn. But her behaviour sounds bonkers and she needs to back off or you'll go insane. Could you buy her a top and then harangue her by text to send a photo of her wearing it?!

Yeah ten outfits and then having to send ten pictures of each one is very excessive I agree. I didn't suggest sending a photo to her every day. But it might help keep the peace to send her a photo occasionally.

I would just ignore anything to do with the clothes. Don't answer messages about them. Don't get into a discussion about them. Change the subject if she brings it up.
Some people are just impossible and while it sounds rude to completely ignore the unwanted topics of conversation there is sometimes no other way of dealing with it.
Thank her for the clothes when she gives you them. Then that's it.

This is not a reason to abandon your boundaries, but a clear signal that you need to enforce them.

It's a really simple solution just to take a pic of first time they wear the outfit and send it via whatsapp. Problem solved. Would take less time than posting on here to jot down what she bought (if you really can't remember); most mums/grans would like to see the clothes on. You are making it into an issue when it's general politeness.

Christ, these are children not dolls.

I think I'd just tell everyone that you don't want clothes for the children any more as it causes too much hassle but make sure it does apply to everyone.

You also need much better boundaries as this isn't really about clothes is it.

Control via buying stuff just tell her not to buy clothes in future and if she doesn`t like it that is her problem really.

It's really not the odd outfit. It's really a lot of stuff. I'm not being impolite. I thank her one million times and tell her how absolutely amazing I find the clothes when she gives them to us. It's just not practical. I have two small kids, one is a very needy baby.

Yeah you're right. I thought things were getting better. But this always happens. Things are very distant for a while and then it slips and starts to build up, until I say something and then I get told I'm the crazy and nasty daughter in law who has ruined their beautiful close not family.

And I have been there, done that. MIL used to get second hand/huge/boys' sleepsuits for her granddaughter. God, they were ugly but she liked a bargain. And I liked her. So back in the day, rolling off a film on a disposable camera was a nice thing to do. It would be so much easier now with today's tech.
Did I like the clothes? No. But 1. not a fashion show 2. she meant well 3. they were fab for when DD was sick. You choose your battles, smile and wave boys, smile and wave

Why not ask your MIL to keep the clothes at her place so daughter can wear them when she visits?
You might also suggest that daughter has adequate amount of clothing but would enjoy books and puzzles or gift cards to the cinema. MIL might also consider starting a savings account for daughter or taking her out on fun outings.

There are any number of ways to gift that do not involve the purchasing of clothing.

Ah, then you need to divert her. Instead of the £££ spent on clothes, ask her to buy books or put the money into a bank account or premium bonds for them.

This

Weird and annoying.

Time to "grey rock it". Every time she mentions some outfit or other, be as boring as possible about it.
"Oh, I'm not sure."
"She wore it recently."
"Yeah, she's worn it."

Don't get sucked into a great long back and forth about the where and whens.
And if your lack of feedback generates less gifts of clothes going forwards, would that be so bad?

I’m sorry, but your OH needs to put these boundaries in place, not you.
also, I would buy her an outfit, and tell her she has to wear it on her birthday. Then keep asking her about it.
as to the clothes… say thank you, and just ignore her. If she comments…laugh and say… of course I choose what my children wear and when… didn’t you?

I mean this kindly, OP, but this is utterly batshit crazy. You’re letting your MIL control far too much. You don’t want confrontation but what you’ve tried so far hasn’t worked. So you do as you’re told, pretty much, and let her win every time. Of course your kids will want to choose their own clothes soon. Advocate for them.

It’s the old adage of doing the same things but expecting the outcome to be different.

Get the line drawn now. You don’t actually have to play to her tune, you know.