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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

168 replies

snowies · 29/12/2022 10:33

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 29/12/2022 12:57

Just buy your own children’s clothes and ask the grandparents not to gift clothing. They’ve lulled you into a mindset where this “dressing” the babies is a thing. It’s really not important what they wear.

Original poster
snowies · 29/12/2022 12:58

Itisbetter · 29/12/2022 12:57

Just buy your own children’s clothes and ask the grandparents not to gift clothing. They’ve lulled you into a mindset where this “dressing” the babies is a thing. It’s really not important what they wear.

I think we will need to just say no clothes from now on. It's becoming too stressful.

Oh, dressing the babies and children is a massive, massive thing for my families.....

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 13:00

Op this is the exact dynamic that keeps people like her going.

I'e she will flip out and its you who has to be the bendy willows.

How old are you?

Mil I'm so so grateful for the beautiful clothes you gifts to DD but be aware I get a lot of clothes from my mum and others. I've hardly had to buy a thing it's wonderful.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but no one else keeps asking me what clothes they will wear . It's making me worried because I don't want to seem ungrateful,I am but it could turn into a full time job.
Could you buy less things and not worry so much about when they will be worn? I can't always remember who gave what but I definitely make sure they wear everything at least once.

Leafer · 29/12/2022 13:04

This is so weird. I don’t think I’d care much at all about what she thinks of me if this is how she behaves. She should be embarrassed for being so weird and controlling

Pyjamageddon · 29/12/2022 13:04

You have been, as much as you possibly could, the nice DIL up til now. You don't actually have to. You can stop being nice to manage her emotions. Her emotions are her responsibility.
You don't need to please her, she can please herself. And YOU are an adult and are allowed to please YOURself.
You're the mum to the DC, it is up to you what they wear and when. YOUR choices. You are allowed to stop being the good daughter in law. Do what you want. She's making you miserable and you're letting her. You will feel such a weight off when you realise that pleasing her is not your responsibility. Do what makes you happy OP. Your happiness is really important.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 29/12/2022 13:04

I have no advice except to say my mil is exactly the same

i think she just gets SO much joy out of purchasing things for dd. So that when I’m not falling out of my chair with gratitude for a cute but very normal top and leggings set from Asda that she’s baffled. I’m always grateful. Dd has tons of clothes already so I’d sometimes prefer if she saved her money,as she sometimes worries aloud about being a bit short, but it seems to bring her great joy. I ignore the ‘why isn’t she wearing the dress/bib/hat/whatever I bought her?’ Comments and just say ‘oh we thought we’d just Chuck this on today!’

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 13:05

I see they already blame you for braking up the family!

Op this is weird but not strange. It's far far more common than you might think.

At this stage be more clear cut about it all.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 13:07

@Pyjamageddon ... excellent post and says it all really

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 29/12/2022 13:07

Buy her clothing for her next birthday then tell her when you want it worn.

Stripedbag101 · 29/12/2022 13:07

TooBored1 · 29/12/2022 10:53

Are you still with the father? If so, surely one for him to deal with? But I'm with you, v weird and controlling.

This. Why is it considered your issue. If you are worth the father tell him to deal with it.

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2022 13:07

She's a bully.

She'll continue until you stand up to her. Because the current dynamic gets her everything she wants. Attention, power and the outfit choice.

Your husband is a coward. Until you make it clear that you won't be bullied by her things won't change.

I'm not saying it will be easy... but you have to decide if you want to make the change or continue to be treated like this.

Obviously this is about much more than an item of clothing.

Pyjamageddon · 29/12/2022 13:07

To add to my previous post it's clear to me that she doesn't actually like you. Why are you so intent on pleasing someone who doesn't like you? She doesn't give a fuck how YOU feel, why should you care about how she feels? Rhetorical questions. Just something to think about.

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2022 13:10

And everything @Pyjamageddon said too.

You post about not wanting to be horrible. Do you think she worries what you think of her? Why?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 13:10

Mil already thinks Dil is horrible

HereIGoAgainAndAgainAndAgain · 29/12/2022 13:12

Any chance you could just reply that she needs to speak to her son about that and ignore anything and everything else?

Itisbetter · 29/12/2022 13:13

@snowies Oh, dressing the babies and children is a massive, massive thing for my families.....

Can I suggest very gently that you might want to think about if that’s what you want your family to be like going forward? Maybe try and shift the focus from what the children are wearing to what they did or said? They are receiving the messages you are sending.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2022 13:14

snowies · 29/12/2022 12:01

Well, in general he just complains that I'm just moaning about it. He doesn't do much about it. Sometimes he does. But it's the same for him, if he brings anything up with her, she gets quite aggressive / plays the victim. She's accused me of ruining his relationship with the family and putting bad thoughts about them in his head and just generally being a bad influence. Apparently before he met me he was lovely with his family etc etc.

I literally have stood up to her a couple of times.. it's not been a lot. But she shouts and cries and plays the victim, even though she's the one that's upset me in the first place ! Once when I was pregnant she kept saying my bum was getting big and I ended up asking her not to say that. She made such a fuss about me taking it the wrong way, that I ended up apologising for having upset her! She never ever takes any responsibility for upsetting me. It's always my fault I'm upset because of weird hang ups. The whole family start a character assassination on me. Excluding DH of course.

Show quote history

There is your problem - your DH is not standing with you, he is siding with this bat shittery most of the time for an easy life. Nothing will change until he is willing to deal with it alongside you and value your well being as much as he values a quiet life for himself.

For comparison, my DM and MiL both used to buy things for my DC when small. I know they enjoyed seeing the children wearing them so I'd often pull them out when visiting. However not once did either expect the DC to turn up wearing the approved outfit and they wouldn't bat an eyelid at spilt food, grass stains or any of the other messes picked up by happy children playing and eating.

This version is the norm IME, batshit donations and demands that they both be used (and used to restrict what a child does whilst wearing the sanctified clothing) is really not the norm.

StillMedusa · 29/12/2022 13:16

Just be brave and tell her to stop buying clothes and if she wants to help, to open them a savings account or something!
I buy clothes for my toddler grandson but it would never occur to me to ask his Mum to to put them in 'my ' outfits for an occasion! We generally just make sure we have enough changes of clothes at each house and wash the clothes at whoever's home they are taken off in!

Your MIL is unkind and manuplative and you really really need to stand up for yourself now, otherwise next it will be demanding which nursery they go to, choosing what activities they do... stuff that is NONE of their business. Her time to choose clothes was when her children were babies, not yours!

If you actually call her out on it..NO apologising for upsetting her, and stay firm, well she may well cry and moan but actually so what.. her behaviour is her choice. Your boundaries are important..and she's crossing them!

Scandicheek · 29/12/2022 13:19

Ignore unpleasant messages instead of replying.

in person ‘let’s see if I remember’ or ‘I must have forgotten’. No conflict. She’ll get bored as they get older…

80s · 29/12/2022 13:21

Buy her a hideous hat and comment that she is not wearing it every time you see her.

Original poster
snowies · 29/12/2022 13:22

I just find it bizzare that she'd take a photo of every single outfit before she gave them to me. Like she doesn't trust I would put them on my kids ? I think that's so rude and says a lot.

I just brought it up to DH again and he said to just ignore and it's not a big deal etc. just tell her you want to buy your own outfit for the birthday etc...

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2022 13:25

snowies · 29/12/2022 13:22

I just find it bizzare that she'd take a photo of every single outfit before she gave them to me. Like she doesn't trust I would put them on my kids ? I think that's so rude and says a lot.

I just brought it up to DH again and he said to just ignore and it's not a big deal etc. just tell her you want to buy your own outfit for the birthday etc...

So basically avoiding the situation for himself and throwing it back on you? Why can't he tell her her?

Headabovetheparakeet · 29/12/2022 13:26

Sounds like she's spoiling for an argument. If you and your DH aren't prepared to deal with this directly then I actually think it's probably best not to engage at all.

Just keep repeating the same inoffensive lines over and over, thanking her for the clothes and saying that they do all get worn and are appreciated.

I wouldn't perform for her by dressing them in outfits of her choice or sending photos each time they wear something.

EL0ISE · 29/12/2022 13:29

@Brefugee has given you excellent advice OP. You need to step back and let your partner deal with her. Im sure he’s capable of sending texts and photos if he wishes.

grumpycow1 · 29/12/2022 13:32

If people buy my kids clothes I will tend to snap a pic when they wear them first time and send to the person as a thank you. It’s not expected but I think it makes them happy. Maybe this would keep your MIL happy? I agree your DH should be the one answering these questions - next time direct her to ask him!! She sounds weird and a bit of a control freak.