MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

[snowies]

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

She also comments on all the clothes I buy for them being too small. That's slightly irritating as well, I must say.
I need to Stress again, that the clothes she actually buys my kids are gorgeous and they really do wear them, day in and day out.

You sound like a bit of a pushover, OP - maybe MIL will chill a bit if you give her some boundaries?

The good old Mumsnet chant of 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us' is a great way to start!!

You won't sound 'horrible' (your words) if you start sticking up for yourself. If you already have an outfit in mind, tell her it's already sorted. You do not have to give explanations or reasons.

It sounds like she's expecting bragging rights for buying what they wear on important occasions but they are YOUR children, OP. Yiu want them to be comfortable and yes, on 'dressy' days it's lovely to pick an outfit - don't let her take that from you.

If she won’t respond to tactful messages, just have a stock response you send her, eg thank her, say the DC will get lots of wear out of the lovely clothes she’s bought them - and you’ve already bought an outfit for them to wear for their birthday/Christmas/Easter/first day at nursery, etc.

She’s over-invested in this and needs to understand that she can’t dictate what they wear. Repeating that you already have an outfit for whatever occasion she mentions should reduce her pushing for the DC to wear her clothes. She’ll give up eventually.

Just do what I did. Immediately try on the clothes and take photos, and send them to her. It's easy now. When my kids were small I had to use a film camera, get the photos developed and send them by snail mail!

It's just every time I've tried to put up a boundary, for years, she and her entire family have called me unreliable, crazy, bad intentioned etc. we've had so many fights, I guess I just don't want another confrontation, so I try to let stuff go or ignore it.

This is why your DC need an Instagram account to post their daily outfits.

Joke.

I'd forward all messages to your DP. Get him to respond.

If she brings it up in convo, say that you appreciate the gifts and the DC wear the outfits frequently. But as a mum, you enjoy picking their outfits for special occasions and find the pressure about who wears what on which days overbearing. Tell her her generosity is lovely but please stop adding more stress to your day.

Or give her the DC's laundry to do each day. Make sure each outfit is suitably stained with paint, bolognese etc to prove they've been worn.

MIL is being a bit petty and controlling on this one. You are still putting them in her clothes so she shouldn't now dictate when they are worn.

Oh she'd let me know she would be very annoyed if I allowed her outfits to get ruined....

she and her family sound awful. Push all contact with them onto DH. She asks you about clothes, refer her to him. Just step right back.

Block her number if you have to. But you don't have to let her treat you like this. (I had zero contact with my MIL and most of my ILs because they were - meh, nasty and i wouldn't have chosen to have them in my lives) it had zero impact on my relationship with my DH and made my life so much easier

Don’t be a pushover. So what if they slag you off? You say she will go nuts? Who cares! That’s her problem, not yours.

You haven't said anything about DH stance on all this. He should be the one to tell his mum to calm down and stop being so controlling.

It's just hard when no one is on my side. DH has stood up for me before, but she called him traitor. I avoid any confrontation at all costs.

Let her go nuts! She will only make herself look like a fool! It's going to happen sometime anyway. If not now then when your kids do start choosing what they wear.
Set a firm boundary and then ignore. For as long as need be.
In terms of other people in all probability they are just agreeing with her for a quiet life. In reality they probably think she's batshit too

It is hard to stand up to people like her - calling your DH a traitor for agreeing with you is pathetic, so you know how pathetic she is. Instead of confronting her, if that’s difficult, have you tried just not contacting or speaking to her? Ignore texts, don’t contact her. If she whines about it in person just say oh I am busy and change the subject. She sounds like a bully, don’t let her bully you. They’re your dc and you can put them in whatever clothes you want.

I avoid any confrontation at all costs.

you have decades of this ahead of you if you don't put in boundaries. If your DH won't step in for you, you have to do it for yourself
If she calls him a traitor, his answer should be "I would be a traitor to my own wife if i didn't stick up for her, butt out". That is the only acceptable answer from him.

Well, in general he just complains that I'm just moaning about it. He doesn't do much about it. Sometimes he does. But it's the same for him, if he brings anything up with her, she gets quite aggressive / plays the victim. She's accused me of ruining his relationship with the family and putting bad thoughts about them in his head and just generally being a bad influence. Apparently before he met me he was lovely with his family etc etc.

I literally have stood up to her a couple of times.. it's not been a lot. But she shouts and cries and plays the victim, even though she's the one that's upset me in the first place ! Once when I was pregnant she kept saying my bum was getting big and I ended up asking her not to say that. She made such a fuss about me taking it the wrong way, that I ended up apologising for having upset her! She never ever takes any responsibility for upsetting me. It's always my fault I'm upset because of weird hang ups. The whole family start a character assassination on me. Excluding DH of course.

Why is all this on you, and why are you both putting up with it?

She called him a traitor? Well boohoo 🙄

@WeepingSomnambulist ·
"I really dont understand why you keep sending me pics of clothes you have bought them. I know. We have the clothes. They wear the clothes. I am not organising clothes to be worn to your schedule. Please stop being so weird about clothes. I'm not having this conversation with you again. I have tried to be gentle about this but it doesnt seem like you're going to stop unless I am blunt about it. We're very grateful for all the things that you buy the children, and we dont waste things so the clothes are used and enjoyed. That is all we need to say about them. Dont bring them up again."

I know you’ve dismissed this as a response, OP, but it sounds good to me - assertive and to the point.

I have a similar situation in that my family love gifting clothes. So as soon as the kids try it on or they wear it for the first time I take a picture and send it. Fortunately for me I can tell who bought based on style and brand however I did make a note on my phone and take a picture of the opened present and put who gifted it as well.

The whole family start a character assassination on me. Excluding DH of course.

disengage. Don't answer (or open) texts/WhatsApp/emails or whatever. Don't pick up the phone to her. Just stop it all.

And if your DH asks? Tell him that you don't have to have toxic people in your life, and if he thinks you're being mean to her he needs to have a good long look in the mirror.
He doesn't have to go against his family, but you don't have to let them bully you.
So: visits? he takes them
Visits from them? you have appointments, and are not available, he is.
Writing cards and buying presents? his job
sending thank you notes? his job
sending photos of DCs in outfits? his job

you are going to have time for a hobby now!

You are far too worried about her reactions and what people will say. Just ignore the messages you don't want to reply to, dress your kids how you like, if they want to start getting involved in their choices that is up to you not extended family. Stop giving her the headspace and caring so much. You can:t control her and how she behaves. You can control how much you let this dictate your life and not just roll over and do whatever for a quiet life. Be polite and firm with your choices. Block her number for a while if it helps

Oh god she sounds like a bloody nightmare. I would actually not say much to her but do your own thing and don't let her bully you! Just smile along and then do what you want in the end. Let her be the one to kick up a fuss and sit back and say "oh sorry MIL, I just put her in whatever outfit I could today. I dont overthink these things." She will end up looking like the weirdo she is. Don't play into her games.

You’re people-pleasing. Being in her good books is more important to you than doing what you want for you and your kids.

Is that how you want to live? Is that what you want to teach your kids about relationships? If not, you need to be prepared for her to be angry and allow her to be angry. Your life will get a lot better if you let go of controlling how other people feel about you and allow them be angry with you if they want.

I don’t go with the whole outsource-it-to-DH argument. You’re a person, your relationship with your MiL is separate from your DH’s relationship with his mother. Be a person in your own right and start directing how you want your relationship with her to go.

At age 2 you can encourage your kids to become their own people too - lay out 2 outfits and let your kids choose what they want to wear if they’re interested.

@snowies when your children are old enough to choose what they want to wear your mil "will not appreciate you giving in to that"? What in God's name has you letting your dc choose their clothes in the morning got to do with her? Tell her to mind her own business when she starts interfering with this!
Speaking as a grandparent myself, how has she got the mental energy for this amount of thinking about her dgc clothes? I'll buy my dgs something to wear, hand it over & not give it another thought. I don't even remember what we've bought him half the time, the mind boggles

Honestly, apart from encouraging your kids to wear something your MIL bought on occasions they are seeing her, I would just ignore this nonsense.