MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

[snowies]

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

It's nice for them to see children in clothes they've bought but it's unreasonable for her to demand it! At least she is buying big - my MIL keeps buying too small which is really annoying (DD is smal for her age so wears a size down but MIL buys 2 sizes down!)

Just to say I don’t do it every single time! Just now and then such as Xmas or birthday outfits.

I agree- it comes through quite clearly that this woman does not like you, OP. So whatever you do, you will not please her. Which is great, actually, because it means you can please yourself!

The sheer amount of clothes you must have means that it is probably a good idea to ask everyone to stop buying them. With your own mum it will probably be quite easy to give her examples of things she can buy which you actually need (books, art supplies when a little older, etc). Your MIL is best left to your husband. She will make a massive fuss and call you names. So what? Your husband is probably used to appeasing her, so that may be a problem, but if you talk to him, he should be on your side. He wants you to stop moaning, and this is how to achieve that. It might also be a good time to talk about reducing the amount of contact you both have with your MIL.

They've already cast you as the villain, OP, and your DH seems pretty chilled about it, so I'm not sure what you have to lose by 100% playing up to it and fulfilling everything they've said about you! At a very minimum 'They're given a lot of clothes by a lot of people. We're obviously grateful for that but I'm not going to be dictated to on what they will wear on any particular day. I don't have the time or interest to micromanage what they wear every day to try to keep everyone happy.'

That said, I would probably grey rock it instead, as a PP has said and be infuriatingly vague and non-committal. 'What a nice idea, we'll see how we go on the day.' 'She wore it some time recently, I can't remember exactly when.' 'No it just didn't work today.' 'It's in the wash.' 'We'll see how we go.'

She does this because you pander to it. She'll say that you are mean but do you think she is complimenting you right now or bitching that you don't use her clothes ?

Make the clothes your h's problem. I bet that even celebrity kids who change clothes multiple times a day aren't going through this bullshit.

Yeah I'm totally grey rocking it already without meaning to. In fact that's what I do with most of the stuff she says, automatically. I just try not to engage at all when she's talking about anything really.

She is totally batshit.

my own dm is quite controlling and buys kids clothes a lot but has never ever commented as to what they are (not) wearing on a specific day.

unless your kids are super young I don’t see how you could insist anyway- my own kids have always been very stubborn about wearing what they want to wear and will almost never wear what anyone else wants them to!

I was told that my daughter should be wearing a dress my MIL had bought the next time we visit them. Now, I don't like my in laws, so this didn't go down well. I let her wear it for breakfast, she 'accidentally' spilt blueberry yoghurt all over it, and she had to change.

I'm the opposite of you and have a great memory for who has bought what and I've got 3, alternatively I forget what I've gone in the kitchen for! I've had similar but to a lesser extent with both my mum and mil and I've told them for special occasions I like to choose the kids outfits myself. My bigger two are at an age where they choose their own clothes now but the youngest is 15 months.

I don't think there is a solution as your mil is nasty. I'd just carry on as you are and not engage with her.

My MIL buys my DD lots and lots of clothes. Saves me a small fortune honestly so I’m very grateful. You have to decide if you want the clothes to continue, in which case you indulge her a little or not, in which case just say you appreciate the thought but DD is getting a bit fussy now and probably best to let it go.

I personally like getting the clothes 😂 so I send a pic each time she wears them and send a little thank you. If the clothes she buys are nicer than mine then she’ll wear them on special occasions or not as the case may be. If not I just say sizing was an issue but she’s looking forward to wearing it.

There have been a few comments but I brush them off and crack on. In my situation I think it’s all or nothing really, so decide what’s best for you ( financially, mentally) and deal with her as you see fit! I know it can be a pain In the arse though 😂 and there is no ‘tell DH to talk to her’ because she’s knows I get her dressed, so she directs questions to me. So again, I choose not to be rude and dismissive because I like the free clothes (and they’re pretty).

What kind of comments have you had ? The buying lots of clothes thing from MIL has been rather recent, before she'd buy the odd couple of things, but at the moment the kid's wardrobes are almost exclusively MIL/ Mum bought. And I do make a subconscious effort to take pics sometimes. I generally send them a lot of pics anyway of the kids, so often it just coincides.

I don't see why I need to say thank you every time they wear her clothes, because I already show my appreciation when we first receive them. All this is making me not want to put the clothes on them. I'm raging about the fact she takes photos of the clothes to check that I've put them on the kids. I can't believe it really. I think I'm going to say no thank you to the clothes. I can't be bothered anymore. She thinks she owns them / us. That's how it feels.

I had this with my ex MIL. I’d send her a photo to keep her happy and put them in an outfit she’d bought whenever we visited. Other than that I ignored her. She’d tell me she’d checked eBay to make sure I hadn’t put the clothes up for sale behind her back! Strange.

Your MIL sounds like a nasty fucking bitch. Ignite her. Don’t respond to any messages. Who gives a shit what she thinks and says about you?

This ‘dressing the baby’ thing is odd. Is it a cultural thing?

Sorry I mean ignore. Not ignite. Unless you want to of course, I’d probably be tempted to set her on fire…

So unhealthy.

I wouldn't want my children near an environment like that.

You sound completely abused and bullied by his family.

Unbelievably stressful.

Have you thought of moving away?

This is not normal behaviour.

Not sure if it's cultural per se. We just like dressing the children / babies well.

Decide what you want. Tell her. If she is horrible, ignore her, block her number, walk away, don’t visit. When she complains that she isn’t seeing her grandchildren, suggest that she apologies for her words and behaviour. She’ll either learn to be polite, or you won’t see her. Win-win.

And charity-shop a pile of clothes!

Yea it’s a control thing for sure. Same here with my MIL but she doesn’t realise it. Comments like ‘I haven’t seen her wear that yet’ & ‘did she like x outfit as I didn’t see her in it’! (Then I’ll have to dig out a photo I probably already sent just to prove it 😳)
Nothing overtly offensive but undertones of disapproval.

She doesn’t take physical photos but I know she takes mental ones 😂
If you feel like it’s getting to the point where it is bothering you more than helping then I would tell her politely that it’s just too much, too many clothes and too much waste. You’re grateful but wouldn’t want her to spend her money on clothes you won’t use. That way if she continues at least you can say you’ve warned her!

Just say your DH chooses what clothes the DC wear most days. Why does she assume that's down to you?

Because I dress them both every day....

What @Lilliflip said.

You could add that if this is the way she intends to continue, then you'd rather she didn't buy clothes for your children, and thank her for what she's already bought.

What she's doing is weird, jealous, and very controlling. Is your DH up for a serious talk with her? My guess is she would turn it into a conversation about her generosity not being appreciated and what a horrible bitch you are, OP, so if he does tackle her behaviour he needs to be forewarned and forearmed.

Yes she sounds crazy, but you also sound like an absolute drip.

She feels it's ok to act so unreasonably toward you, and she does so freely. But for some reason you don't think you can call her out on it.

If this is how you are then you'll just continue to be walked all over, so you'd better suck it up and stop moaning about it on MN, and if you don't like that, then do something about it. Those are the two options.

So what if she flips? Why is DH not handling this.

Sounds like you only want someone to agree with you here. Of course she's a complete nut! You're options are say something or don't. That's it. I'm not sure why you believe you must put up with her at all, but you don't. You do NOT have to see her, talk to her, respond to her, or allow your children around her. You need a backbone. Avoiding confrontation isn't helping anything, it's making her worse!