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Original poster

MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

168 replies

snowies · 29/12/2022 10:33

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

OP posts:
mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 10:54

Do that. Twice a day!! Three times a day!! Ridiculous I’m absolutely gobsmacked by these posts about MILs surely there aren’t this many mad controlling ones out there. If there is a DH involved get them to have a word with their mother. This is neurotic behaviour and needs to be gently pushed back onto her to get herself sorted.
Don’t take it literally it’s not about the clothes.

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 10:59

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 10:56

My ils never had my mobile number for this very batshit reason..
Forward the messages to her ds... Every time.

Good idea although only with the clothes stuff.

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 11:02

justlonelystars · 29/12/2022 12:15

Yeah. Bit weird.
My MIL buys awful clothes for my son - he is only 18 months old but gets bought Xbox/Minecraft themed stuff. He’s a baby right now and has no interest in that stuff. I know the time will come that he wants to wear clothes like that but I’m keeping him out of them as long as possible, there’s no rush for him to grow up. I politely thank her then shove them to the back of wardrobe and might trot them out when she comes to visit.

Crikey that’s bad. Also by the time he might be old enough it’s likely to be other stuff kids want on their clothes.

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 11:07

snowies · 29/12/2022 12:17

When I say she buys me outfits for the kids, I mean like 10 for each child. It's a lot of stuff.

Well, she has done the last two round of clothes. My mum also got them around the same and I've also bought them the odd bits an bobs. I know it seems like a lot, but I have a baby who poos himself constantly and a toddler who was learning to potty train recently.. So we got though a lot! And they've also grown so much lately, so just going through clothes like crazy.

Yea, I could take a photo of them every day, but I just feel like I don't have to justify it and play this game. It never ends otherwise.

Show quote history

Think the photo suggestion was sarcastic towards MIL behaviour!

PollyPut · 04/01/2023 11:21

I'm not sure how old you child is OP. But my sister's MIL would send clothes (mainly dresses) for the GD often. The girl didn't get many chances to wear them - when crawling they crawled onto the dress and couldn't progress. As a toddler they were on a climbing frame in a longer dress that MIL had sent, and then trod on the end of the dress, fell, hit their head with a massive bump followed by A&E visit and nasty bruise that lasted for weeks. That dress went to the charity shop.

Dresses aren't always practical

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 11:24

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:29

She'll go nuts if I say anything. She'll say I'm horrible / sensitive / ungrateful and that she just means well. She always says that when I bring anything up. I have stopped bringing things up and just try to ignore her ways. But this clothes things is starting to bug me now. She is very confronting about it.

My mum sometimes suggests outfits for certain days, but never takes it to heart if I don't use those outfits, thankfully !

Show quote history

Snowies. This isn’t about the clothes or any other thing which will get brought up by her. You are being bullied. Quite badly. This is abuse. If you don’t have her own child available to back you up and intervene you need support maybe a friend? You sound very controlled and passive towards her

mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 11:27

snowies · 29/12/2022 11:47

It's just every time I've tried to put up a boundary, for years, she and her entire family have called me unreliable, crazy, bad intentioned etc. we've had so many fights, I guess I just don't want another confrontation, so I try to let stuff go or ignore it.

Show quote history

Her entire family including your DP??? Where are they?

Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 11:29

@mustgetoffmn he's stood up for me and got so much abuse for it from MIL...

OP posts:
Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 11:31

@mustgetoffmn well, someone tells you that you're crazy / unreasonable / want to destroy everything enough times, I guess you then try not to give them any reactions and grey rock them. There's no point anyway. They'll never see it from my point of view. They're always the well intentioned ones and I always take things the wrong way, according to them.

OP posts:
mustgetoffmn · 04/01/2023 11:38

snowies · 29/12/2022 13:22

I just find it bizzare that she'd take a photo of every single outfit before she gave them to me. Like she doesn't trust I would put them on my kids ? I think that's so rude and says a lot.

I just brought it up to DH again and he said to just ignore and it's not a big deal etc. just tell her you want to buy your own outfit for the birthday etc...

It sounds as though your children and the clothes are her own creative project which she is documenting. It also sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Has she got a job? She needs to get out more. And spend the clothes money on regular therapy for herself!!

Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 11:40

@mustgetoffmn she also points out to anyone who'll listen that she bought said clothes for the children when they're wearing them. It's a bit lame, but OK, whatever. Not the worst thing she does. But all of it put together does grate one me.

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 04/01/2023 12:09

My MIL will ask if they've worn the clothes she buys for my DC, but it's more of a 'were they okay? Do they fit right?' Kinda deal, it's definitely weird for her to HAVE to see them in them and choosing when too 🫣

Swiminanglesey · 04/01/2023 12:42

are your family travellers @snowies

Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 12:46

Swiminanglesey · 04/01/2023 12:42

are your family travellers @snowies

Hahaha absolutely not, why would you think that ? ?

OP posts:
Bargoed · 04/01/2023 13:15

Because 'travellers' mostly dress babies very well and it's a cultural 'pride' issue. Dresses and bows are standard

Swiminanglesey · 04/01/2023 13:47

What @Bargoed said.

Baffled as to your mum’s behaviour. It’s barmy. I wouldn’t be putting up with it.

MinnieGirl · 04/01/2023 13:50

billy1966 · 29/12/2022 15:41

So unhealthy.

I wouldn't want my children near an environment like that.

You sound completely abused and bullied by his family.

Unbelievably stressful.

Have you thought of moving away?

This is not normal behaviour.

Moving away sounds a very good idea….
Just say thank you for any clothes and then give them away

Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 15:29

We aren't travellers, just like the kids to look nice. I'm not into dresses for girls often, as they can't really play properly in dresses. Hence I only use them occasionally for a nice meal out on a Sunday or something like that.

As for my MIL..it all winds me up.. there's so much I would like to say, but I can't say. It is what it is. I do think however, I will continue being grey rock. I think that winds her up the most. She wants a reaction, so she can turn around and tell me how unreasonable I am. I may stop putting my kids in her clothes when we see her. If she complains, I'll keep a really straight face and say that she just must have missed it. This will wind her up so much. I won't give her what she wants, a reaction.

OP posts:
BluIsTheColour · 04/01/2023 15:54

She's a nightmare! I mean nice she buys them things but it def comes with a price! I'd really have to bite my lip!

She wld love me as a dil as I often take things back and exchange 😆 I'd be telling her, it got a rip in it, a stain etc Or more likely the kids are very fussy & refusing to wear it!

My 2 kids are 3 and 5 both very picky about their clothes it's a nightmare. My just turned 3yr old has been very picky about her clothes since she was 2 1/2. It's very difficult to get her to wear anything but a dress 🙈 my older dd wasn't like that though at that age she didn't start being opinionated about clothes until about 4.

Now u might think no way but maybe take a pic of the kids in them. Then whatsapp to her. To be fair I often send a pic of the kids wearing outfits the family have bought them. Usually saying something like oh look how cute she is in the dress you bought her. Maybe different when it's on my terms though if I want to lol. It might stop her harassing u though!

Original poster
snowies · 04/01/2023 16:16

BluIsTheColour · 04/01/2023 15:54

She's a nightmare! I mean nice she buys them things but it def comes with a price! I'd really have to bite my lip!

She wld love me as a dil as I often take things back and exchange 😆 I'd be telling her, it got a rip in it, a stain etc Or more likely the kids are very fussy & refusing to wear it!

My 2 kids are 3 and 5 both very picky about their clothes it's a nightmare. My just turned 3yr old has been very picky about her clothes since she was 2 1/2. It's very difficult to get her to wear anything but a dress 🙈 my older dd wasn't like that though at that age she didn't start being opinionated about clothes until about 4.

Now u might think no way but maybe take a pic of the kids in them. Then whatsapp to her. To be fair I often send a pic of the kids wearing outfits the family have bought them. Usually saying something like oh look how cute she is in the dress you bought her. Maybe different when it's on my terms though if I want to lol. It might stop her harassing u though!

How do you get your kids to wear their uniforms if they're so fussy ? Just out of interest ? I've never really given my older one a choice yet of what to wear. Perhaps very occasionally... but she has to wear a uniform every day anyway for preschool.. that must be a real struggle if they refuse to wear anything you need them to wear !

Sounds like it's very common and something I can look forward to...

OP posts:
BluIsTheColour · 04/01/2023 21:15

Only my eldest has school uniform and she likes it because it's dresses! She's not as bad as my 3yr old u can reason a bit more with the older one although does sometimes refuse to wear some things 🙈 mainly because she wants to wear something else.

antipodeancanary · 04/01/2023 21:18

Yup, this. Even if it's the only time they wear the outfit!

mustgetoffmn · 05/01/2023 00:04

snowies · 04/01/2023 16:16

How do you get your kids to wear their uniforms if they're so fussy ? Just out of interest ? I've never really given my older one a choice yet of what to wear. Perhaps very occasionally... but she has to wear a uniform every day anyway for preschool.. that must be a real struggle if they refuse to wear anything you need them to wear !

Sounds like it's very common and something I can look forward to...

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Yes this is a good point. When my Dd was about 4 she got fixated on a particular jumper and skirt I just gave in . She had what I thought were nicer things but I quite liked that she had an interest in her own look an independent streak developing. No problem with school uniform because all her friends were wearing it so think they like the group identity. Grey rock sounds like the perfect response sounds like you’re tackling a big issue so we’ll done and good luck

mustgetoffmn · 05/01/2023 00:06

mustgetoffmn · 05/01/2023 00:04

Yes this is a good point. When my Dd was about 4 she got fixated on a particular jumper and skirt I just gave in . She had what I thought were nicer things but I quite liked that she had an interest in her own look an independent streak developing. No problem with school uniform because all her friends were wearing it so think they like the group identity. Grey rock sounds like the perfect response sounds like you’re tackling a big issue so we’ll done and good luck

Show quote history

But the mystifying objection to wearing a warm coat when it’s cold. Big struggle forcing it on 😂

JbJ87 · 05/01/2023 03:37

Mil sounds like a narcissist, look up traits / signs of a narcissists & see if more signs fit, if so, lots of good info out there how to deal with / respond to narcissistic behavior (boundaries have to be set, as it will only get worse otherwise & ruin many events, holidays, etc), very difficult & not the same approach as dealing with normal people works, took me 30+ years to realize how to deal with my narcissistic mom. Good luck!