MIL policing clothes she's bought for my kids..

[snowies]

Is this weird ?

MIL buys kids clothes and asked me to put them in them on specific days. I had already bought their Christmas outfits and put my kids in those, but put them in MIL clothes on other days. MIL claims I've not put my kids in the clothes she bought. I told her that I did, but that they were a bit big for them on Xmas day. ( which is true ).

So she said that she thinks I should put DD in the clothes on her birthday. I don't really want to, I like the clothes and happy to put her in it on a Sunday, but was looking for something different for her birthday.

I am very Lucky and get given lots of clothes for them by MIL and my own mum and ALWAYS put the kids in their clothes as often as I can. I don't distinguish and don't even remember who gave them what / or which ones I bought, I'm just happy I have clothes for them. MIL mentioned she had not seen DD in a dress she'd bought her and I know for a fact that she had worn the dress, but MIL just hasn't seen her in it yet. MIL sends me a pic of the dress, she takes pics of all the clothes she buys them and then double checks if they've been worn. I find that a bit strange and controlling.

Especially because they always wear the clothes, but a dress isn't worn as often, so MIL just missed it. I'm a bit miffed at the insinuation that they don't wear her clothes AND the fact that she wants them worn on certain days- like the birthday and then seems offended if I don't do it.

I just need to reiterate again, that my kids wear the clothes daily - except dresses, as I don't put them in dresses as often, so I don't know where it's coming from that there's a need to police it. Apart from taking a daily pic of what they're wearing and sending it to MIL, I'm not sure what to do !

Really important for children to develop their individuality and resilence and start to learn they are their own person. They should choose whatever they can.

Clothes are part of that.

Get them to choose their clothes as early as possible. Along with food, books, the lot.

The sooner you learn that your child's choices don't reflect on you, the better OP.

A toddler SHOULD be in wellies, fairy wings, a mismatched Christmas jumper in June - and a jumper with a stain on just because they love it and won't let it go in the wash. Whatever they like as long as they are warm,
broadly hygienic and decent.

Or you'll end up like your MIL! You are more similar than you think...both getting a sense of power over others to make up for your own lack of agency in your lives.

Mil is definitely controlling I would just ignore her send the odd photo of her in the outfits

It would get on my last nerve if either set of grandparents kept buying my DC clothes randomly, not for a birthday or Christmas. Can you not afford to clothe your children? Because that would be the only circumstances that I could find it acceptable.

They got a lot of the clothes for Christmas and the time before that, both MIL and my mum had gone abroad for trips and bought them there. So in the last six months or so, I got one load of clothes from my MIL then one from my mum ( they brought the clothes back from being abroad ) and then both MIL and mum gave them clothes for Christmas..

Before that, they hadn't actually bought that much stuff. Well, my mum did buy some stuff, but she doesn't police it at all. She never remembers what she even bought.

Oddly enough, I've just also put in a big order at h and m myself... as I'm running out of practical clothes, like pyjamas and comfy clothes. They tend to buy thick jumpers and thick sets that can't be worn for sleep, as they get too hot.. they also buy shirts for the baby. It's cute, but highly impractical. I would only put him in a shirt on a very special occasion.

An aside question, what does everyone do with the clothes that no longer fit ? Does a charity shop take them ? I have so much stuff and don't know what to do with it. No younger cousins / siblings on the horizon.

Grey rock sounds the perfect solution! Give them nothing to latch onto, nothing to trigger ''you're unreasonable".

Or you'll end up like your MIL! You are more similar than you think...both getting a sense of power over others to make up for your own lack of agency in your lives.

I'm not saying you're wrong haha, but please explain how I am getting a sense of power- you mean by how I treat my MIL/ or that I don't get let my older one choose her clothes ?

That instead of being clear about your own needs and articulating them assertively, you are getting pleasure by vicariously living through others - by going along with your silly family thing of "dressing the babies" and that being important to you. Your MIL feels good when she sees your children in her clothes. You feel good when your children are dressed "up to the standard" of your family. They are babies now, so they are going along with it. But part of parenting is dealing with what happens when your little people start to behave in ways that you're uncomfortable with. Your MIL has never come to terms with this and is controlling all of you like you're her babies she can dress & play with.

I'm just saying - start to own your own needs now, get them met now. When you said about dressing your own kids, I sense a tiny hint of you living through how your children look rather than things that make you happy in your own life.

I may be wrong, maybe the clothes are a red herring. But I stand by the point that people have to have good boundaries- having too few is as dysfunctional as having too many, so in that respect you and MIL aren't that different.

Oh OK. Well, dressing the children and babies nicely is actually totally my thing. I like it, I always have. I'm not appeasing them by doing it.

I had this shit with my MIL.

After a few years dh shut it down and WW3 kicked off and it’s one of the reasons she hates me.

She insisted on buy all dds clothes. Only, they weren’t to my taste (think either a baby dressed like a sequinned cheerleader, or clothes for a 6 month old that they can’t move in comfortably), and more importantly, when dd was around 4, she decided she didn’t like the very girly clothes that MIL bought (all unicorns and sparkly dresses by then when dd preferred dinosaur tracksuits from the “boys” (grrrr) section.

We couldn’t return clothes either as she would buy them a year or so in advance, cut of labels.

She still does it on a smaller scale each Christmas and birthday now dd is 9, and it’s all still the same stuff that dd would never wear (pink dresses for a girl who lives in jeans!)

And I always told her thank you, but they suitable for dd/to her taste when she was older and she would always act like I’d just kicked her puppy.

An aside question, what does everyone do with the clothes that no longer fit ? Does a charity shop take them ? I have so much stuff and don't know what to do with it. No younger cousins / siblings on the horizon.

Most charity shops will take them out you might have a specialist baby/kid charity shop locally which definitely would. Or just post on local Facebook group. If you'd like to get money back and have the time you can sell them on vinted or somewhere similar.

I was gifted a lot of clothes when I had my youngest, alot of them for when she was older. I put the gifters name on a tiny bit of masking tape and stuck it to each outfit before hanging up in wardrobe. Otherwise I wouldn't have remembered who gave what. When the baby wore the outfit I'd send a pic to the person of baby wearing outfit, with a "thank you Auntie N I love my outfit".

Any charity shop where I am will take them.

I used to try and sell bundles on ebay but the hassle wasn’t worth it for a few quid.

This. Absolutely this. Treat her nonsense with the brush off it deserves.

My mil passive aggressively acted like this about everything she eve got the kids, on top of being insanely jealous if someone else bought them something. However I too am petty and reacted by never putting her in clothes she'd bought them when she was there. She's much better now there are 2 of them and she's less insanely focussed on the idea of herself as an amazing granny

This! 😂😂

Just tell her you have a particular outfit in mind for dd b’day. And each time her clothes are worn, take a quick snap and ping it over to her.

So much to unpack here, but you need to start being much firmer with her and put in much stronger boundaries. Your mil sounds like a total trauma.