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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests taking food home

379 replies

LakeFlyPie · 29/12/2022 07:43

We've hosted some friends and family gatherings over Christmas and on a couple of occasions guests kindly offered to bring food (home baked cake, biscuits etc).
I was a bit shocked when, on leaving, they packaged up leftovers (of their contribution) and took it home (uninvited). When I take food / drink to a party I consider it a gift / contribution and would dream of reclaiming it at the end of the evening. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsLavs · 31/12/2022 09:53

I've hosted gatherings (especially BYOB) and had people take food home/drinks home that they have provided and honestly I've never been offended (especially over the food!) maybe because I am a fussy eater generally. If someone were to take home a gift or take something home they hadn't provided I suppose I would feel as though this was rude but if you bring a bottle of booze that you specifically like (Gin, Malibu..whatever) share it with whoever but take the remainder home at the end of the night I really don't have a problem with that?! Looks like it's just me though 😂

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 10:20

I think the host supplying everything is the standard model and anything else is by arrangement so there isn’t a universally accepted etiquette surrounding it.
Guests can be grabby, but so is a host if they ensure a large oversupply of food and then keep it.

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 10:28

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 10:20

I think the host supplying everything is the standard model and anything else is by arrangement so there isn’t a universally accepted etiquette surrounding it.
Guests can be grabby, but so is a host if they ensure a large oversupply of food and then keep it.

That is if they ensure an oversupply by requesting contributions from guests, obviously.

danblack87 · 31/12/2022 10:36

I would never dream of doing that in a billion years -- I take what I want to take with me (I don't feel the need to take it back home) but, at the end of day, say like a buffet or something, the host says please 'take some with you' then I might. For a couple of members of my family I say if you have a particular drink you (that I may not have) like, bring it with you and take it away with you when you go (what's left!!) That's just me.

VestaTilley · 31/12/2022 11:04

YANBU, it is rude, but it’s also becoming more common, so most people probably no longer care.

Jayne35 · 31/12/2022 11:42

It doesn’t bother me at all, it then we don’t ask guests to bring anything so if it isn’t used they are welcome to take it with them when they leave, along with any other food leftovers they want as it would probably only get wasted.

Bleachmycloths · 31/12/2022 11:56

Second hand take-home food is usually unappealing imo. Squashed pie, dollop of trifle in a plastic box etc. but cheeky tight fisted people will make a meal out of it thinking “ That’s another meal I don’t have to pay for” 🤣

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 12:13

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 08:41

It used to be. It’s the simplest system. Things get more complicated when the same person ends up hosting year after year without reciprocation.
Guests shouldn’t just bring food ‘if they wish’ without permission. That’s chaos.

Show quote history

Since when have guests turned up empty handed? Most folk bring wine and/or snacks
Sure the host caters the meal,that’s understood,but guests bring along wine/food. Now that is a thank you for the host acknowledgment of their efforts and hospitality. The wine and/or food I bring is for host, it’s up to them whether or not they make it communal for guests to share. I’ll take something like wine it’s non-perishable and lasts

Wetblanket78 · 31/12/2022 14:13

It's a bit weird unless the host says to take whats left as they will only go to waste.

KarenandFour · 31/12/2022 14:18

I wouldn’t dream of taking anything back home with me unless it was offered. If anyone has brought things to me I will ask them if they want to take the remainder home if I know it will only go to waste otherwise

MilkyYay · 31/12/2022 14:19

God i'd always rather it all get taken home or I'm left with a random assortment of leftovers i don't want.

But i think its rude to take without checking that's how the host feels.

gregaliara · 31/12/2022 15:03

Bit rude, do they not understand. You provided everything else. So yes a bit rude, to those saying oh well... think again, who provided everything else, you threw in a bit of cake?

ScotsBluebell · 31/12/2022 15:19

We have a lot of events where people bring generous contributions and I always deliberately ask people to take some of their food home with them if they want. If it's something big like a cheeseboard, we'll share it out (but the host usually gets the lion's share.) This is mostly because we are all smaller households now, and it's such a waste to be left with food that two or three people won't be able to finish. We all know each other very well, and do it by mutual consent. Booze though - no. Nobody would ever think of taking that away with them!

BadNomad · 31/12/2022 15:22

The issue is that for some people they see it as giving a gift, and for other people they are bringing something for everyone to share. So, if you are in the "share" camp, then your item gets shared around and anything not consumed is yours to do with what you please. You take a bottle of wine to share, but it doesn't get used, you take it back home with you.

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 16:05

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 12:13

Since when have guests turned up empty handed? Most folk bring wine and/or snacks
Sure the host caters the meal,that’s understood,but guests bring along wine/food. Now that is a thank you for the host acknowledgment of their efforts and hospitality. The wine and/or food I bring is for host, it’s up to them whether or not they make it communal for guests to share. I’ll take something like wine it’s non-perishable and lasts

Show quote history

I think that’s the wrong question. The real question is since when has it been unacceptable for guests to turn up empty handed. Rita, as in ‘Educating Rita’ (Willie Russell, 1980) obviously thought it was. However, I’ve been perusing ‘The Pan Book of Etiquette and Good Manners’ (Sarah Maclean, 1962) and except in relation to actual ‘bottle parties’ there doesn’t seem to have been any expectation for anyone to bring anything.
Anyway, you seem to be talking about spontaneous gifts to the hosts, which obviously shouldn’t be reclaimed, whereas I’m talking about agreed contributions to the catering.

JungleSoph · 31/12/2022 16:48

I went to a Halloween party where cakes, cookies and booze were taken back by various guests. The generous host (who had paid for a tarot reader etc.) was not impressed and it became a heated debate after the ‘bring/takers’ had left. I put it down to age (most in late 20/early 30s with probably not much money) but I guess it comes down to how generous you are. I wouldn’t dream of doing it and always over compensate by bringing too much.

emptythelitterbox · 31/12/2022 17:23

It depends.

If there was a lot of food, I'd rather people take it than it fo to waste.

1HappyTraveller · 01/01/2023 14:29

YANBU

It’s rude to take it back unless the host offers.

Stewball01 · 02/01/2023 14:18

I would never think of taking back food but DD's MiL does. I make the soup and DD makes me the it home together with the chicken and anything else she packs for me.

Frankola · 02/01/2023 14:37

My dh and I once went to a gathering of family on his side. The hosts took the food we brought, put it in the fridge, didn't serve it and kept it entirely for themselves after the party. I thought that a bit odd.

Blossomtoes · 02/01/2023 14:41

Frankola · 02/01/2023 14:37

My dh and I once went to a gathering of family on his side. The hosts took the food we brought, put it in the fridge, didn't serve it and kept it entirely for themselves after the party. I thought that a bit odd.

Did they ask you to take it? If not presumably it didn’t fit with their menu.

CoolSlinky · 02/01/2023 16:25

MilkyYay · 31/12/2022 14:19

God i'd always rather it all get taken home or I'm left with a random assortment of leftovers i don't want.

But i think its rude to take without checking that's how the host feels.

I think the asking how the host feels about you taking your food back is rude too - it’s the thought that you think it might still be yours. If the host minds saying so makes things awkward. If the host volunteers leftovers I think it’s ok but you should ask if you can have some.

NoNameNowAgain · 02/01/2023 17:09

If hosts are going to make up their own rules about what food they are supplying and what they’re not, and every large-scale barbecue seems to be on slightly different principles, then I don’t think they should be shocked when guests make up their own rules about what happens to their unused contributions. I actually think it’s a bit dishonourable to ask someone to bring a chocolate pudding (even if they offer), someone else a trifle and someone else ice-cream and then expect to hang on to the remains of any or all of them.
I think the real problem is often that certain people just don’t reciprocate hospitality so I can see why people get annoyed, but I’m not sure it’s rational to focus on this issue.

Cheli83 · 04/01/2023 08:29

I come from a Caribbean heritage and taking stuff home after a Christmas meal is standard usually in plastic tupperware. If you didn't take any food home at all, the host would wonder why you hadn't. Also my husband is from an African heritage and the expectations are the same. Usually it isn't food you made but it could be. So just be aware that in some cultures this isn't unreasonable and not taking home a container of food, if food was leftover would be seen as rude.

PinkSyCo · 04/01/2023 16:42

Bluesandwhites · 30/12/2022 19:23

Just to add, I know of a professional couple who are both on top salaries, who put the left overs from restaurant meals into tupperware containers to take home !

Maybe they’re just conscientious about not wasting food. Nothing wrong with that. I would always bring home any meat that I couldn’t finish to give to my dog. Better that than binning it surely?