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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests taking food home

379 replies

LakeFlyPie · 29/12/2022 07:43

We've hosted some friends and family gatherings over Christmas and on a couple of occasions guests kindly offered to bring food (home baked cake, biscuits etc).
I was a bit shocked when, on leaving, they packaged up leftovers (of their contribution) and took it home (uninvited). When I take food / drink to a party I consider it a gift / contribution and would dream of reclaiming it at the end of the evening. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 00:22

Ivyonafence · 30/12/2022 23:21

@Zone2NorthLondon

'I buy disposable plastic tubs from pound shop to take food in,so no worries about retrieving dishes,and tubs later'

Never mind the planet I guess.

i have no qualms whatsoever about taking 3-4 plastic recyclable tubs to a do
Host can either wash & reuse the tubs or recycle them. Simple
Tell me are you going to get all handwringing with everyone else or just me?

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 00:41

Technically the host should probably insist on supplying all the food
Thats really not an agreed norm,technically or otherwise
Host,in hosting supplies food,beverage,aperitifs,desert,nibbles and guests do bring wine, snacks,and food if they wish as it’s good manners to arrive with something for the host too. I would not arrive empty handed and nor would I think the host should supply all food

PinkSyCo · 31/12/2022 00:49

Nirvanarama · 29/12/2022 08:40

Yes, but over half a massive cake all to yourself is a bit much isn't it? I cant imagine getting through it all before it went bad

Perhaps she shared it with other loved ones. I think it’s rather rude of you to buy her a cake and then expect her to leave it behind for your entitled kids to scarf.

angelfacecuti75 · 31/12/2022 01:37

I have done it but been very skint in the past. I don't really do it now because I can't be arsed to be that petty or penny pinching. Sometimes i have kept a chicken leg in secret for a lunch or something. I am usually very generous in one way or another with others so it evens out. I would probably ask rya ok if i take this ....just checking? If i brought something gluten free it costs an arm & a leg and people don't tend to like it anyway x

IAmDeborah · 31/12/2022 07:21

We do this sometimes but not others....examples;

  • We go to SIL's house where they live as a family of four, we take a big cake and some soft drinks which the kids enjoy, they generously host and we leave the stuff with them.
  • We visit Nan, who is a wealthy hoarder that lives alone, we take along a big homemade Christmas cake as she requested. She doesn't put it on the table for the family and instead chooses to put out a cheap shop bought version, our cake remains hidden in the kitchen. I take it home at the end because there's no way I am leaving it for her to eat one slice and let the rest go stale!
Kittenmitten22 · 31/12/2022 07:35

I seem to be in the vast minority of people who don't think this is rude. In fact I'm surprised at how strongly people feel about this!

For the record, I have never taken food or drink home (unless asked). I've often wanted to though as I hate waste.

But I feel it's entirely dependent on the situation. If you've bought the food and drink without being asked, therefore is an 'offering' or a 'gift', then yeah, perhaps don't take it home. However if it's a pre arranged 'I'm doing this, so if you bring that, such n such brings that' etc, then that's different.

The only thing I'd find weird, is if they gave you a bottle of drink or a box of chocolates and gave it to you as a gift, then took them back.

LunaRegis · 31/12/2022 07:51

My mom used to tell us to take stuff home as it would only go to waste, but I wouldn’t have done otherwise.

My BIL once started grabbing all the stuff that would keep like crisps, box cakes, biscuits, & chocolate stuff. I was quite taken back by this as he didn’t bring it. He was taking it home for his grandkids.

LunaRegis · 31/12/2022 07:55

@IAmDeborah Aaaaw poor nanny, make her a small cake.

IAmDeborah · 31/12/2022 08:01

@LunaRegis
She is a mad hoarder with a large house FULL of rotting food 🤣 I cook for her 5 times a week and we do take good care of her, so I have little time and money to spare on a cake that will not be eaten. I will always leave some slices for her if something is put out for the family, but if she deliberately tries to hide it away I am taking it home. She can come around to ours and share it with us tomorrow 😉

Bleachmycloths · 31/12/2022 08:05

Rude, tight fisted, greedy, grabby, calculating. I am very unforgiving about behaviour like that (I know I shouldn’t be) and I never look at people like that in the same way again.
i know I shouldn’t have that attitude because they might have many other good qualities.

theworldhas · 31/12/2022 08:10

Having lived abroad for many years I always find that stingy behaviour is pretty widespread across the UK, particularly where friends are concerned.

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 08:15

IAmDeborah · 31/12/2022 07:21

We do this sometimes but not others....examples;

  • We go to SIL's house where they live as a family of four, we take a big cake and some soft drinks which the kids enjoy, they generously host and we leave the stuff with them.
  • We visit Nan, who is a wealthy hoarder that lives alone, we take along a big homemade Christmas cake as she requested. She doesn't put it on the table for the family and instead chooses to put out a cheap shop bought version, our cake remains hidden in the kitchen. I take it home at the end because there's no way I am leaving it for her to eat one slice and let the rest go stale!

Oh wow she didn't get out your cake? Mortifying, the ingredients alone are so expensive!!

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 08:18

Bleachmycloths · 31/12/2022 08:05

Rude, tight fisted, greedy, grabby, calculating. I am very unforgiving about behaviour like that (I know I shouldn’t be) and I never look at people like that in the same way again.
i know I shouldn’t have that attitude because they might have many other good qualities.

Yeah being honest I judge people who do this too! Looks petty and sad.

Bucketheadbucketbum · 31/12/2022 08:20

Really rude

DangerousAlchemy · 31/12/2022 08:31

1 post from the OP & now all quiet?? This seems to be happening all the time on here? Wonder if Daily Mail is short of CF Xmas leftover stories and is fishing??

NoNameNowAgain · 31/12/2022 08:41

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 00:41

Technically the host should probably insist on supplying all the food
Thats really not an agreed norm,technically or otherwise
Host,in hosting supplies food,beverage,aperitifs,desert,nibbles and guests do bring wine, snacks,and food if they wish as it’s good manners to arrive with something for the host too. I would not arrive empty handed and nor would I think the host should supply all food

It used to be. It’s the simplest system. Things get more complicated when the same person ends up hosting year after year without reciprocation.
Guests shouldn’t just bring food ‘if they wish’ without permission. That’s chaos.

Margie70 · 31/12/2022 08:50

I have a friend who not only doesn’t take any food contribution to gatherings but always ensures she has a takeaway box of food that hasn’t been consumed- it doesn’t happen at my gatherings any more, but others are either so nonplussed or kinder than me and give her leftovers. She is wealthier than any of us! Can’t imagine how!

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 09:05

@DangerousAlchemy oh no a journalist?

Imy06 · 31/12/2022 09:10

I've done it many times before but just to save them having to clean up / deal with left over food if there's loads left. I never thought about it as coming across as rude and grabby, but then again I would usually check if they want to keep it or not rather than just taking it away. Most of the time I don't even want the leftovers just thought of it as cleaning up after myself 😂

IAmDeborah · 31/12/2022 09:16

@Windtunnel
She often asks people to bring things to a gathering with no intention of actually sharing them. The goal is to get everyone to over cater horrendously so that she can choose the best bits to squirrel away for herself. She absolutely is a hoarder, I am not using the term as a joke 😉
In her case the family all take stuff home because;

  • She cannot possibly eat it all, she just enjoys being surrounded by things, which is wasteful when those things are perishable.
  • We all provide the food for gatherings and she provides the location, she is left with plenty but she is not a generous host so nobody feels bad about taking stuff home.
  • She deliberately requests that we bring way more than needed (and it often is homemade/ not cheap) so if we play along and leave her with all the food she effectively wins and asks for even more next time.

Aside from this, there have been times when I have been very poor but have contributed to a meal at a friend's house out of politeness. I have spent a large chunk of my weekly food budget on something, then gone home to a bare fridge. I wish I had been able to be honest with those people and either not contributed or had some leftovers to take home.

IAmDeborah · 31/12/2022 09:18

@DangerousAlchemy @Windtunnel
If it is a journalist I hope my family don't read it 😆

DangerousAlchemy · 31/12/2022 09:29

lol 🤣 it could be a genuine post just smells suspicious to me

DangerousAlchemy · 31/12/2022 09:31

@Windtunnel idk but a previous thread about a nan charging her family (a deal amount per head) for Christmas Day etc started on here I'm sure & I remember reading about that in a tabloid. ...

picklemewalnuts · 31/12/2022 09:37

If you go to lots of pot luck, or shared, suppers then it's the norm. You are essentially clearing up after the event. If everyone takes home the leftovers and the plate they brought, there's less clearing up for the host. Sometimes whoever has organised will suggest redistributing things a bit, so people take home a variety.

So it depends what people have had most experience of!

HarriR · 31/12/2022 09:53

Yup had friends take home booze that they didn't drink at a party. After consuming ours + food provided. I was shocked.

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