This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

Tbh leave this to your dh to sort,

youre going to come out the bad guy & you got a bed. It’s your dh on the sofa.

perhaps they need to get a blow up bed for the front room or something. But as annoying as it is I don’t think you’ve got anything to gain from pushing the issue

I can just see it next year:

The ILs will be so afraid to upset SIL that they will sleep on the sofa and give their room to OP’s family.

So the DN still gets the double to himself and OP is on the floor in a communal room?!

I didn’t say it was fair but this is for dh to sort

Otherwise op is going to come across as the awkward one from the information given

if my husband doesn’t care enough to make a fuss about something like this with his family that’s on him.

Alternative is a book a hotel if everyone is there at the same time. Again not fair but kicking up a fuss doesn’t sound like it’ll make a difference and just cause awkwardness

i can’t think of anyone agreeing this situation is reasonable but the fact the pils & soo are doing it means they don’t see the issue…. How do win that?

I would think the daughter in law's preference should be the priority as their own daughter is family and DIL is more of a guest. That's how it works in my family anyway (although taking into account particular needs too)

And their son doesn't matter because he's a man? Not the bearer of grandchildren?

I’d have packed up and gone home

I'd have looked for the nearest hotel with a room available and gone there for the night then returned home,sharing the driving the next day.

The sil sounds a spoiled brat and her child is headed down the same road. I would stay there one night then be headed to a hotel, or even better home. And I’d not be rushing back either.

I would invite them all to yours and ensure they are equally uncomfortable. Explanation by demonstration.

hope your baby requires multiple night feeds and wakes SIL repeatedly

Sorry, totally unacceptable behaviour from PIL, SIL. and husband. If I can't share a room with my husband in an arranged visit then we leave, end of! And, especially in this case where there were facilities to share including with the baby. If SIL wanted her brat to have the double bed then she should have visited on another weekend. This should have been discussed before your visit. And, do not visit PIL unless or until they understand that this is unacceptable. You will soon have the issue that DS is going to need a bed of some kind and will soon be too old to share with you especially if you do have another child. (Sorry, am not commenting on your future situation I don't know what it will be, just if you do decide a certain way.)

So the child is pandered to, to the point where everyone else is inconvenienced. After a long drive your DH is on the sofa and you’re alone in a single bed, while the child has a double to himself. Selfish and unacceptable - to my mind, SIL should be the one sleeping on the sofa. I agree that maybe it’s not the hill to die on if they’re only there for a couple of nights and you can rearrange when they’re gone, but I would make it absolutely clear that you’re not happy and maybe communicate to PIL that your visits won’t be coinciding again if this is what she expects.

This is insane. Your husband should be backing you up 100%. Your PILs should be backing you up 100%. I would never return to the in-laws again, and I would pack up toddler and myself and leave. Leave husband there to do their bidding. I’m sorry, not usually for drastic moves, but this is absolutely crazy. It’s about sil being in total control. I would totally blank her from now on and not allow her anywhere near my own home or child. She is nuts and so are the ones enabling her. I would set dh straight when he gets home.

“oh I know, it’s a tough one isn’t it”

I hate to say so, but that's a sorry-not-sorry way of saying 'we don't care - that'll be your problem, as we won't budge'.

I would get there a day early and set up in the double next time. I have a SIL like yours who tries to monopolise everything but my husband her brother always calls her out when she’s being selfish or unreasonable

Next year you stay in a hotel and they can carry on with their selfish bullshit! DH doesn't like it - leave him on the sofa and go to a hotel anyway!

Utterly ridiculous!

This is insane. Your husband should be backing you up 100%.

Backing her up on what? OP and baby had a bed each and their own room. The only person disadvantaged was DH. And he was okay with it for a couple of nights.

It's his family dynamic to negotiate, it was only him who didn't have a bed, and to him it was worth it to keep the family Christmas amicable.

It would be a different ball game had OP and the baby been on an airbed on the floor somewhere, but they weren't. They had a room, and a bed each. The only thing OP didn't have was her DH lying next to her.
That so many people thing that's worth destroying a family Christmas trip over, and worth another 11 hour journey home next day, actually boggles my mind.

And their son doesn't matter because he's a man? Not the bearer of grandchildren?

Quite. And also, it's not really 'giving priority' as such: giving priority would be if there was one available bed space and two people who wanted it, so you have to prioritise with too few resources for everybody and one person misses out.

In this case, there is a spare bed space where the air above it (or possibly an armful of teddies) gets priority over an actual person needing it. However much the 5yo sprawls out, there's no way he can possibly use most of the available surface area, so it will just go to waste.

It's the equivalent of having one spare sandwich that two hungry people in front of you would like and just chucking it in the bin so that nobody gets it.

The “ at least we can all be together, that’s all that matters” business will be the thing hardest to overcome. Especially as your DH half subscribes to this.

Just be clear that you must have a proper bed and adequate accommodation for your child or you don’t stay.

But next year, they actually CAN'T all be together unless changes are made to the sleeping arrangements. I'd approach it that way. "Is it possible for us all to be together next year?" And then get them to explain how.

OP it’s easy for people on here to say they would turn around and go home but as you wisely decided, it’s not worth the fallout to put your foot down about it for the sake of a couple of nights of your husband on the couch.

in future you will just have to work out arrangements beforehand - perhaps you could say to your PIL that you’ll book into a hotel if there is overlap with SIL so everyone can get their space. If they object to that then it’s up to them to sort you out a room you are happy with. Perhaps PIL will give you their own room.

But next year, they actually CAN'T all be together unless changes are made to the sleeping arrangements.

Yes, once OP's DS is too big for a cot, will he be expected to sleep on the floor next to his mum whilst his cousin gets a great big bed all to himself? If so, it's all very well SIL saying "My DS is used to THAT bed and will struggle if he doesn't get that exact one"; but what about when OP or DH say "Our DS is used to sleeping in A bed, so he will struggle too if he doesn't get one"?

Great way to show your grandsons which is your favourite - especially when there's enough room for everybody, but his cousin gets two people's bed spaces whilst he's left with none.

YANBU

SIL is entitled.

PIL are enablers to this absurd arrangement.

I wouldn’t bother next year unless the appropriate arrangements were made.

I wouldn’t bother next year unless the appropriate arrangements were made.

I agree - but how would they know that SIL wouldn't apparently go along with it, right up until the point that everybody has travelled and is there and she bursts into tears about how terribly worried she is about her DS (possibly with invented/heavily exaggerated issues) and then the parents rally around, take her side and give her whatever she manipulates out of them?

Agreed. OP's DH was the only one inconvenienced, and he made it clear he wasn't bothered. A mildly irritating situation at best that certainly doesn't warrant flouncing off to the nearest hote! Yes, they're pandering to SIL and her son but as OP said, they're clearly going through a bit of a shit time at home, and she's their daughter, so it's understandable that they're bending over backwards to make her comfortable. OP can cope sleeping in a single bed without her husband for a few nights, I'm sure.

Did I read this right? You expected your sister and her husband to have your severely autistic son in with them, because it would be easier for two adults to control him? And they offered to have your daughter (when they really didn't need to have either of them) and you're accusing your sister of having a "massive tantrum" because she didn't agree to look after your son on holiday? When he runs off and has to be physically restrained?
Sorry, but if I was your sister I wouldn't be going on holiday with your family at all. With your attitude I'd probably be going NC.
Shaking my head in disbelief. This is rich, even for Mumsnet. And nobody seems to have picked up on it.