This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

So when your 'unfavoured' child is older ... I imagine he'll be expected to sleep with you in cramped conditions while favoured child still gets a double bed?

It's unsustainable, isn't it? It's one thing (fair or not) to say that daddy has to sleep on the sofa whilst the children and mums have beds (cot for the baby); but in a couple of years' time, it will come down to a straight choice of one young child getting a whole double room/bed to himself whilst the other young child has nowhere at all.

I'm guessing SIL will just invoke 'elder child privilege' for the grandchildren (is she the elder child herself?) and just say "Well, that's obviously MY child's bed and room, so unfortunately, THEIR child (and by extension also the parents) will need to stay in a hotel.

I always think it's unfair in families where the elder/st child always get the best room by far and the younger/st gets a tiny little one for all of their childhood. It's more understandable if there is a massive age gap, but when it's only a couple of years, the children will likely be leaving home at similar times anyway.

Wow op I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread with such resounding yanbu!

I agree!

This is why we now book a hotel when we visit PIL as we’re given camp beds in the basement ( which is cold) and the other siblings seem to get the beds.

Mind you, it was a particularly good move this time as apparently one SIL snored so loudly that she kept others awake and the dogs also woke people up wandering around during the night… we had a touch of schadenfreude. 😈

And yes, she's setting herself up for years of misery when her DS naturally assumes - as he's been taught to expect - that his requirements are all that matters.

What if he routinely polishes off his plate of food quickly and notices that there are 'seconds' on the table that he'd like - her meal - and demands that too?

Indulging and bringing up your children to be selfish is not doing anybody at all a favour - least of all them. How will they ever grow up to have a happy marriage if they've been coached from birth that they are the only one who's important - so instead of wanting to be half of an equal partnership that show love and make each other happy, they naturally assume that marriage effectively means getting in an unpaid member of staff to provide and facilitate everything to make (only) your own life nicer?

Nip this in the bud and get the PILs to decide, it's their house after all. Offer to stay somewhere else if that works better for them. Be clear that it's their decision and not SIL's.

I agree with others who have said leave. Your sil is being an entitled brat.

This actually happened to us a few years ago.
Sils baby in big room in cot all to herself. We couldn't use the double next door in case we woke her and single bed in room with cot unusbable for same reason.
So me dh and two dds (one a teen) had to all sleep together in one room. Totally unacceptable imo.
Now when we go (rarely) pil have the cousins over for a mass sleepover to see us which means we are stuck in a noisy house with early wake ups while bil and sil get a nice night off.

Omg I would pay good money to see my Dh reaction if his parents and (favoured) brother tried this shit after a long drive!

I'd be interested to know more about this (nosy). Sometimes it's better to accept what's offered to keep the family on an even keel. You've all got somewhere to sleep, you're all together. I also get that if there's a chance of the nephew being on the spectrum there may well be sensory issues or sleep problems that mean he needs his space. Everyone has stresses in their marriage though, and she/they shouldn't use that as a reason to get the best bed deal, but why would she want to leave early? Controlling husband? Why isn't he there too? What's going on!

This is absolutely ridiculous, what are they going to do as the 5 year old gets older and is invited to sleepovers, or goes on cub camp or goes away with school?! Insist that they MUST have a double bed? 😂. Much better that they teach them now that you need to learn to sleep in lots of different types of beds - they could always make it more fun by allowing them to choose their own bedding for the single. Instead they’re risking you deciding that in future you’ll not bother to stay when they are due to the cramped conditions, in which case they’ll only have themselves to blame for not seeing their son, daughter in law and grandson in the holidays!

Are you sure the dh doesn’t want the sofa so he’ll get an uninterrupted nights sleep away from the baby?

Don’t go back. Honestly, why on earth would they cater to such self centred rubbish.

your DH needs to grow some and stand his ground for his family.
good luck

Nip this in the bud and get the PILs to decide, it's their house after all. Offer to stay somewhere else if that works better for them. Be clear that it's their decision and not SIL's.

Not to excuse the PIL, but it sounds like they've been captured by SIL. They know that OP & DH will either capitulate or find another practical alternative without drama, whilst SIL will turn on the 'you hate me/nobody ever cares about me and my child' waterworks and make the atmosphere frostier than Bob Cratchit's outside privy for the whole time.

Sils baby in big room in cot all to herself. We couldn't use the double next door in case we woke her and single bed in room with cot unusbable for same reason.

Ridiculous. Crying babies are a fact of life - and tippy-toeing around to get them used to artificially and unsustainably silent backgrounds whilst they sleep is only going to come back to haunt you before long.

What would they do if they lived in a semi-detached or terraced house and the only suitable room for the baby was next to the joint wall - tell the neighbours they have to move out of their own home every night?!

I don’t want to rock the boat, even though I am very much the one who keeps having to suffer because of her.

Apologies if this sounds a bit harsh, but you have two choices: you either rock the boat and make it clear it’s unacceptable (I certainly would - what a ridiculous situation), or you accept this happening time and time again. Complaining to others will get you nowhere. In your shoes, I would go home or at least check into a hotel. Quite ridiculous to have a small child alone in a double bed when an adult who has done a long drive sleeps on the sofa!

So they should refuse to ever visit again because parents are treading precariously around flighty daughter to get a few days together with the whole family? Yes SIL is unreasonable and I get why op is annoyed but it's clear the parents feel stuck and don't want to give DD reason to flounce for the sake of two nights.

Tell them you'll ring round and see if you can get a Travelodge, Premier Inn or Airbnb for 2 nights.

Cant imagine anyone thinking this is a reasonable thing to do.

It’s ok, they left yesterday. The three of us moved into the double room and will spend the rest of our stay together in the room. It’s been good to have the space!

PIL very much see their daughter as a victim because of her husband, and so want to do as much as possible to make her happy. They feel she has enough stress in her life so want to ensure she’s happy and relaxed at her parents.

The way I see it, her husband is a dick but she chooses to stay with him because she doesn’t want to split and still loves him (she’s financially independent, etc so doesn’t need him) so I don’t have any sympathy for her situation.

I did bring up the sleeping arrangements at breakfast today and asked what we would do next year when DS is bigger. All they could say was “oh I know, it’s a tough one isn’t it” or “at least we can all be together, that’s all that matters”. I don’t know if they don’t care about it or are just blind to the inconvenience it causes us because they care about her happiness more (which I think is the case due to their reaction to other things in the past), but it will certainly need some planning the next time we do a long visit. It’s done for this visit but I need to have a proper chat with DH which won’t be possible until it’s just the two of us alone.

And as your ds gets bigger where will he sleep when a cots not an option? You and dh in a single and him on the sofa?
That's just so sad. I'd either not go next year or get your own accommodation, but that's a big expense!

And that conversation should start with 'I'm not going to stay at your parents again unless you address the ridiculous sleeping arrangements we had to put up with this year. Next year, we will be in the double room and your 6-year-old nephew will not'.

I would also say this. "It's so good to catch up but perhaps next year we can arrive on the day DSIL leaves because we can't have these sleeping arrangements again after such a long drive." I hate to say it but with an 18 month old chances are you will be recovering from a rotten bug next year too.

Sympathetic if the DS is suspected autistic, but they could have at least tried and failed to get him into a different bed.

PILs should probably set up a single room for him and make it "special" which will make it much easier going forwards, perhaps ask your DH to gently suggest it.

And that conversation should start with 'I'm not going to stay at your parents again unless you address the ridiculous sleeping arrangements we had to put up with this year. Next year, we will be in the double room and your 6-year-old nephew will not'

This. All this "at least we can all be together " shite is okay for them , as it's not them who have to jump onto the bed as soon as they walk into their room. They are taking the pee.

Seriously?

Well done OP, I hope the rest of the week goes well.

No need for a debrief with your DH til you get home. The “ at least we can all be together, that’s all that matters” business will be the thing hardest to overcome. Especially as your DH half subscribes to this.

Just be clear that you must have a proper bed and adequate accommodation for your child or you don’t stay.

In the end the parenting choices of SIL aren’t your concern. Your sleep and comfort are.