This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

Wow. Just wow

Pandering to a 5yr is insane !!!

Dh sil and inlaws all sound insane

That is not normal behaviour

I get why you stayed as was 2 nights and you are there for a week

But it's madness a child get a huge bed to theirselves while adults sleep on single and a sofa

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. That is about SIL ruling the roost. I would have packed the car up and left. Vote with your feet. A 5 year old is perfectly capable of sleeping in a single bed. I wouldn’t bother again if it was me.

I would say firmly in the last few days ‘we will have to work out something different for next year, it looks like split visits’
oh what do you mean?
‘So Dh and I can have a bed, it’s 11 hours drive here‘.
As long as we’re together it doesn’t matter!
that’s where you smile and say firmly that’s what people who have a bed would say of course, it looks a little different from our perspective.

And as for ‘oh it’s a tough one isn’t it’ then you say ‘yes, it is such a shame we can’t all fit. Maybe one year we hire a big house and we can all meet up together again.’

Listen you judgemental idiot. My daughter also has autism and ADHD as well as epilepsy. So she requires just as much supervision. My point was they always favoured my daughter. Always offering to have her stay over etc. Because she's just easier to look after. Claiming I could spend time with my son. But I didn't get much one to one time with my daughter. They agreed to go on holiday with us to help us out. They don't have children of they're own. He also needed two carer's for a few hours respite. Daughter also did because of epilepsy. And yes she did have a tantrum if she didn't get her way. They eventually agreed to have my son after I got no sleep first night because I was worried about him escaping the room. And they admitted it was easier with two and they actually bonded with him which they never had really before.

That's a bit harsh @Wetblanket78! Your response to family not providing childcare to meet your demands on holiday is that they were doing that as a 'fuck you' to you?... but in the long run you got what you wanted so I hope you were grateful!

"I did bring up the sleeping arrangements at breakfast today and asked what we would do next year when DS is bigger. All they could say was “oh I know, it’s a tough one isn’t it” or “at least we can all be together, that’s all that matters”. I don’t know if they don’t care about it or are just blind to the inconvenience it causes us because they care about her happiness more (which I think is the case due to their reaction to other things in the past), but it will certainly need some planning the next time we do a long visit. It’s done for this visit but I need to have a proper chat with DH which won’t be possible until it’s just the two of us alone."

You're there for a couple of days still, aren't you? I think you need to raise it again, in a 'we didn't really resolve the sleeping arrangements on our last conversation, and I really do want some clarity on this' kind of way.

I'd be pointing out that you were surprised at how obvious their preference for their daughter was over their son, and you hadn't realised until now how deep the favouritism ran. (hmm, might be best to wait until your last day there to lob this particular hand grenade.) And that whilst it might be 'a tough one' to resolve, resolved it must be - because you don't fancy doing an 11-hour journey to be met with such inhospitality again. (Yes I would use that word - because they are being inhospitable.) You would rather go to a Travelodge and get a decent bed to sleep on than put up with that again.

If you feel the need to discuss this with your husband beforehand, go out for a walk, don't wait until you get home. The time to deal with it is now. But be prepared for him to have problems with it, because it sounds as if he has accepted his less-favoured status in the family. I'd read up about FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt), it might be surprisingly apt for this family's dynamics.

I honestly would not be putting up with this shit. Because it's pretty clear that just as your husband is less favoured than his sister, so will your son be to his cousin. And if they're going to pull that stunt on my son, they can whistle Dixie for me serving my son up to them on a platter.

@WhereYouLeftIt is wise. Definitely read that post by them and let it sink in and then take steps to remedy your situation. It doesn't have to be Christmas that you're visiting for because it's very likely, no, I'd actually say definitely going to happen if you arrange a visit and SiL shows up. I wouldn't be surprised if you arrived first, got the room you wanted, and then SiL rocks up and gets you moved out of that room. In fact that's what I'd do. See what would happen if you arrived first, occupied and unpacked in the room you need for your purposes and then SiL rocks up. You'd definitely know where you stood if they rejigged the rooms around even if you showed up first.

Of course I was grateful I just hate one of my children being favoured. Wouldn't you?

I wouldn't be going again unless there were assurances that your / your family's needs and sleeping requirements could be accommodated. This situation was ridiculous and clearly showed how you are viewed in their priorities.

I think it is bizarre that people are suggesting:

• you flounce home after an 11 hour drive

-you refuse to go again -you pick a fight about perceived favoritism -you make them commit to a different sleeping pattern for next year right now when who knows what will be happening next year -you make passive aggressive comments abut sleeping arrangements -you try and get DH to wade in and fight about this

The dad's ok with the arrangements which are only for two days in any case.
We don't know what is going on in the sister's life that means that she's getting the kid glove treatment, and OP has already said that it is a delicate situation.

Lesson learned for next time - clarify in advance what the arrangements will be and if they wont work for you and there isn't a compromise to make civilly and easily make other pans - whether that is staying elsewhere or whatever.

For now, chill out and get over what can only really have been a minor inconvenience

How selfish of her to be like this

OP, I think it’s sad that your DH (and his family) play second fiddle to the golden child sister.

It will be interesting if he opens up when you get home.

I wouldn’t be staying there again with SIL. If it’s impossible to avoid then I’d opt for a hotel instead. It’s just such a big slap in the face to your DH to put him on the sofa in the living room after a huge drive, so SIL is happy.

They don’t. But you decide in advance what you would do in that situation should it occur. You either

1. stand your ground;
2. leave and refuse to go back again the following year;
3. put up with it that year and refuse to go back again.

…and you stick to that decision!

Go home. I wouldn't put up with that it's beyond ridiculous.

Don’t put up with this insane and rude nonsense. Leave.

YANBU but all these PP saying leave and go home - would you really do this after a long journey and create the absolute shitstorm with the in laws that this would cause? It's fine to be a keyboard warrior but in real life would you actually be brave enough to do it?

Of course I'd do it. Any self respecting person would. I'd have gotten straight back in the car and driven to the nearest hotel/B&B for the night and then continued home the next morning (or gone elsewhere for a holiday instead of straight home).

It's not me who'd be creating a shitstorm - it's the PIL and SIL and their absolute, blatant favouritism for their golden child and golden grandchild. Like hell would I be letting my DS be treated as a second class citizen to appease some spoilt brat.

I'd also be making it crystal clear that we would never be returning until/unless PIL start treating everyone the same.

As for the nephew only having one friend - it's more likely due to being such a spoilt brat that no one wants to play with him as he always wants his own way, than any special needs. (I know a child exactly like this and it's all down to bad parenting, as is the case here).

DH needed to stop being such a wet lettuce and put his wife and child first, not his sister and nephew, and insisted on suitable arrangements.

I agree with @WhereYouLeftIt and @deeperthanallroses a conversation needs to be had ideally before you leave so that your pils know you have boundaries, which were breached this time. And that it will not happen again.

We had a similar situation with my in laws - when we arrived to visit and realised what the sleeping arrangements were we just said that we wouldn’t stay over in future, we’d just get a premier inn on the motorway to break the very long return journey.

Not a hissy fit or storming out, just explained that it would be uncomfortable and we’d be woken ridiculously early by toddler nephews (we’d be sleeping on sofas in open plan living room/kitchen).

We had to (quite reasonably I thought!) point out that it didn’t seem fair for SIL to insist her toddlers had their own room so she wouldn’t be disturbed when that would lead to us being disturbed.

Thankfully ILs rejigged things.

Er, that’s true. You’ve conveniently missed below:

I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room.

NOT true, that should be.

Like hell would I be letting my DS be treated as a second class citizen to appease some spoilt brat.

OP's child had a bed, as does she.

It's ridiculous to inflame a situation and cancel a weeks stay over having inferior accommodation for two nights.

Yes, a conversation needs to happen before the next visit, but the level of anger that you're displaying and the action you're recommending oin your post is disproportionate to the situation @knockyknees

Op what is the update? What happened x

RTFT. She's already updated.

Can't believe there's posters siding with the inlaws and saying its fine as ops dh is ok with it! So in years to come if he's still spineless and they expect his child to sleep on the floor or share a single bed with a parent and dh still says 'meh' is that not fine for op to not want to pander along still?

Battles need to be picked and proportionate.

I wouldn’t let my parents put my DH on the sofa but I wouldn’t argue with his parents over it.

far better to learn the lesson from this time and make sure plans are in place better for next time than to have the bad grace to make people feel bad about this.

loads of assumptions being drawn about ‘golden child’ and lack of understanding of family dynamics.