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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
dudsville · 28/12/2022 20:32

When i was a kid and had no money i gave my best things as presents at friend's birthdays and I made things to give to my mum. My family isn't thoughtful or generous (i love them, they have other good qualities) and somehow i learned the pleasure of giving. At 10 your son is capable, but he might not have twigged yet. I don't know how you'd reach this.

Pleatherandlace · 28/12/2022 20:32

Purple palms
I was a year ahead in school so started at 10. But despite this I stand by my statement that a ten year old can buy his mum a little Christmas present

Original poster
abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:33

Brokendaughter · 28/12/2022 20:32

Did you never teach him to make you gifts?

My son draws me a picture & now he's old enough he also makes me a cup of coffee as a gift (used to be a glass of milk with a cookie before he could use the kettle).

I'm a single parent & there has never been anyone who could take him to get me a present, so he couldn't learn that way which is why I taught him to gift me a picture.

He isn't big enough to go shopping without me yet, so maybe one day I'll get an upgrade to something purchased rather than made.

Every year they get better, but I have to admit sometimes that means I get a Christmas or birthday picture of a plants vs zombies battle which isn't what I'd choose, so we are still working on the "try to give something you think the person you are giving it to would like, not something you would like" bit.

It actually never occurred to me that he'd need to be taught something like this. What a lovely idea though! This is a great basis to have a chat with him.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 28/12/2022 20:33

OP isn't abusive. How absolutely ridiculous.

Catterpillarwithconverse · 28/12/2022 20:34

No 10 year old needs £500 and the expectation of buying mum a thoughtful gift.

He needs actual presents bought for him.

And you need your needs met in another way not via your child buying you a gift.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2022 20:34

Babies aren't born knowing that it's customary for children to buy adults gifts or knowing at what age they should start - if you haven't taught him the social expectations and customs you want him to follow, YWBVU to be disappointed in him for not having magically figured out what your secret expectations were.

He's done absolutely nothing wrong.

Iamclearlyamug · 28/12/2022 20:34

I'm really surprised by the number of posters who think aged 10 is too young to consider buying their mum a present with the quite frankly obscene amount of money they were gifted.

I took my DD (just turned 11) to the races on boxing day and she won £9 when a horse won and she asked if she could split it with me! Obviously I declined but the thought was there.

OP I can completely understand why you're upset, and although I think it's too late now to insist on a gift I do think a sit down conversation about how his lack of thought made you feel is needed. And spoil him less in the future

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 20:34

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:31

This is so lovely. I hope by next year he has a heart as kind as this

Show quote history

Mine asked me for some money at the school Christmas fayre to buy a present for his dad (we aren't together)

He'd have probably asked me for money for mine if he hadn't already tapped up his older brother

Does he go to the shop on his own at all?

Although at that age I was going to the till to buy bits myself for my mum who was in the shop with me

Completelyignored · 28/12/2022 20:34

How about suggesting something nice to do together? And say ooooh this can be your treat?? Something like cinema and a little cafe afterwards. I know my son would have relished to feel like he is treating his mum - maybe he just hasn’t thought about it and also - he’s 10! He can’t exactly go shopping by himself can he

Psychonabike · 28/12/2022 20:34

You may feel people have been unkind. The thing is though, this:

"Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart"

...really is very unpleasant, in the context of a child of just 10.

beatsin8s · 28/12/2022 20:35

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 20:01

I was buying gifts for my parents at Christmas unprompted, using my own pocket money, at the age of 10. Didn't think this was unusual but the consensus here seems to be it is. Confused

Me too but my kids don't get me anything! Christmas and birthdays were the only time you got presents and it was special, now kids get all year round so don't recognise the importance of it. Mothers day is probably the only day any of them put effort in and even at that, 16 year old 'forgets'. Although they did always make me something when they were much younger. 16 year old buys his girlfriend a present so I know he's capable!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2022 20:35

@DarkKarmaIlama Get a grip and stop abusing your 10 year old son. He is NOT a substitute spouse. WOW your poor son so now being disappointed in your kid and venting about it anonymously is abuse?? She's not screaming in his face, she's not crying at him about how he's a terrible child, she's not stealing his money and spending it on chocolate and face cream, she's not hitting him or selling his presents. How precisely is talking on a chat room abuse?

Popfan · 28/12/2022 20:35

10 is too little to be responsible for this, he may have had the inclination but not the maturity to manage to carry it out with a lot of help. My DS age 15 bought everyone gifts this year and did v well but still needed a little help to decide what to buy for some family members.
Next year help him to choose some gifts for others from him purchased by you and maybe while in the shop encourage him to choose something for you out of a choice of a couple of things.
He needs to learn how to do it in little steps just as he learns how to do other things in life.

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:36

PurplePalms · 28/12/2022 20:28

If your son was 16+ and was earning his own money and was able to take himself off shopping, then you’d have a point.

It is ridiculous to be disappointed in a 10 year old CHILD.

Of course he’s going to be spending his money on himself. That’s what kids do!

The first time that my daughter got pocket money (I think she was seven) she spent it all on us. Doughnuts for me and DH and some chocolate buttons for her little sister.

Blanketpolicy · 28/12/2022 20:38

I never tried to coerce ds as a child into buying gifts. We led by example, never judged him if he didnt and certainly was never disappointed in him not organising gifts by himself as a 10 year old child. I think your expectations from a child are very unreasonable and a bit needy.

Ds started in a PT job this year earning his own money for the first time and without any prompting or hints presented us with Xmas gifts this year. It was a lovely surprise, one of those moments when your heart skips a beat as you are so proud of them.

Give him time op it will come, and when it does you'll appreciate those gifts all the more because they have been given freely and not through fear of disappointing.

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 28/12/2022 20:39

Claddyt · 28/12/2022 19:58

He is 10 OP this is ridiculous!!!! If your family wanted to gift to you they shouldn’t of given him alll the money GROW UP

You're pretty horrible aren't you. If I was as horrible as you, I'd point out that it's shouldn't have and not shouldn't of. But I'm not, so I won't.

sunflowersandtomatoes · 28/12/2022 20:39

I completely agree with you, OP. A 10 year old should be buying his mother a small Christmas gift, and he should be starting to be able to see you as a person with feelings that can be hurt, not “just mum”. I can also see how these lessons are much easier to teach if you have a supportive partner to show, rather than tell, the art of gifts and being thoughtful.

I think you can tell him you’re hurt, definitely. I’d tell my 9 year old, and I know she’d take it on board.

Ohnotheydidnt · 28/12/2022 20:41

Bahahahhahhaa is OP legit? Is this an actual thread? It's hilarious 😂

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/12/2022 20:41

sunshineandshowers40 · 28/12/2022 20:00

He is 10 years old, he needs an adult to help him buy you a gift even if he uses his own money. Your expectations are far too high.

I'm not sure that's true. I was choosing and buying presents for my family from the age of 8. I mean, they were pretty terrible gifts - I was only allowed to go to the local shop by myself so my mum got an egg whisk one year whilst my dad got a series of little pottery figurines - but the love was there.

I think you should sit him down and tell him he's upset you OP. Don't let him grow up to be one of those thoughtless, useless men who think only of themselves.

OatMilkLattes · 28/12/2022 20:41

He’s ten, this isn’t his fault and he just needed a bit of guidance.

when I was his age, I went out shopping with my grandmother each Christmas and she gave me £15 (which was my December pocket money) and I would buy small gifts. I don’t see how I could have done it otherwise!

Others around you should have stepped in, please don’t make your son feel in anyway bad x

melj1213 · 28/12/2022 20:42

YABU to just expect your 10yo to independently go out and buy you a gift without any guidance from anyone else.

Even if you'd gone shopping together and said "Right when we go shopping this weekend you can buy my Christmas present - when we go into the shop I'll wait at X point while you go in and then when you're done you can come and find me, OK?" it would have given him the direction that he needed to buy something, you were expecting a gift and that he had to buy it on that trip.

My cousin is a single parent, they have a 7yo and 2yo, I also have a teenager who I took out to buy a gift for ExDH so I took them all out on a "Girls Christmas Day Out" mid December, where we bought presents, wandered the Christmas markets, went for lunch and just had a bit of a fun day out. But it was all agreed in advance - I'd mentioned to my cousin that I was going to take the girls shopping and would make sure they bought her a little something when we did, she did the usual 'Honestly it's fine, I'm not expecting any presents' but I insisted anyway.

I babysit for her one day a week so in November I started talking to the DC about buying mummy a card and gift for Christmas, thinking about what they wanted to buy her and gently steering them in the direction of something I know she'd like so when we went on our day out they knew what they wanted to buy and had had time to think about it.

My cousin has taken her kids out shopping countless times during November/December but they wouldn't have thought about buying her a present on a shopping trip she was with them without direct prompting - the most exciting part for the 7yo was buying something for their mum as a surprise, you'd think it was an MI5 operation the way she went on about not telling her mum about it and keeping the whole thing a surprise, making sure I didn't tell my cousin what we'd bought etc, it was cute but intense.

m00rfarm · 28/12/2022 20:42

Gosh - I am astonished by some of these comments. My son always made sure he had bought a gift for me and for his dad (separated) from maybe 7 years old. He made some interesting gift choices, but they were valued by me. I don't see why a ten year old could not have managed to buy something for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/12/2022 20:42

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 20:01

I was buying gifts for my parents at Christmas unprompted, using my own pocket money, at the age of 10. Didn't think this was unusual but the consensus here seems to be it is. Confused

So was I.
My own dd’s needed some assistance from DH though they did tend to be really thoughtful about making cards.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 28/12/2022 20:43

@abrandnewhumbug how old were you when you first started buying presents for your parents?

Thingiemajig · 28/12/2022 20:44

It requires a bit of training at this age. I’d drop him somewhere with a list of who he needs to buy gifts for and give him some cash.