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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 28/12/2022 20:07

Did he go shopping by himself? How did he get to spend £500?

Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 28/12/2022 20:07

I don’t know many 10 year olds who go out by themselves these days who would be able to purchase something. They usually need an adult to sit by them on the Internet with a credit card. If there was no one willing to facilitate that then how could he have bought you anything? Or do you send him out a lot by himself? Because that might also be your answer as to why you didn’t receive anything.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/12/2022 20:07

You’re splashing out on trips to Lapland. You’re putting him on a pedestal. He’s 10, it’ll be all about him if you and others continue to spoil him like that.

PrincessesRUs · 28/12/2022 20:08

I totally understand op - at this age I didn't have much money but handmade (awful) grifts for my mum & grandparents. I think it's really important that children are brought up to understand that Christmas is about giving. Mine are a little young this year but even with the 5 year old I talked to her about her getting a gift to give daddy, next year I'll step it up. I think where you've gone astray is that you need to lay more groundwork in helping him to buy/make gifts and cards throughout the year - you say he has a generous family so he should be making cards for them at birthdays etc so that he understands what's expected of him when it comes to your birthday/Christmas. X

audweb · 28/12/2022 20:08

He’s ten. My kid the same age needs someone to take her to get me something, I too am a single parent. You should have either got someone to help him or taken him somewhere yourself. She can always pick something herself but she just needs pointed in the right direction.

also how is a ten year old firing through 500 quid?

nancydroo · 28/12/2022 20:08

At that age it is the adults who buy the present and put his name on it. It doesn't come from the children themselves really. Your whatsapp friends children have likely been coached or just handwritten a gift someone else bought. Be happy he's happy and forget the learning moment for this occasion. You'll make him feel bad

tirednewmumm · 28/12/2022 20:09

Someone needs to help him, I've taken my best friends son as she's a single mum and helped him pick. A 10 year old needs support getting to the shops and paying!

Freeasabird76 · 28/12/2022 20:10

My 10 year old didnt save any of her money before Christmas to get me a present but my 17 year old who's
In her first part time job bought me loads off them both.
The thought will come with age,don't write him off just yet.

user1487194234 · 28/12/2022 20:11

He is only 10
I always told mine not to buy me birthday/ Christmas/holiday presents
Now they are late teens they normally get me something,but I discourage big presents

Original poster
abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:11

We've been shopping many many times together since Christmas, plus in Lapland and at the airport. But no, he hasn't been shopping without me. Like I say, it's not the lack of gift that worries me, it's the lack of thought.

OP posts:
glamourousindierockandroll · 28/12/2022 20:11

YABU. He is too young to be able to organise that really, and have an awareness about how much things cost. Someone should have helped him to think of some ideas and then taken him to the shop or bought it online on his behalf.

caringcarer · 28/12/2022 20:11

My 8 year old niece saved pocket money and bought her Mum a bar of chocolate from local shop. Wrapped it herself and put it under the Xmas tree. When her Dad said he would take her to get her Mum a gift she said she had already done it and did not need his help. 10 is old enough to not be so selfish. He sounds a brat.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2022 20:12

Your expectations are too high. He is ten and it isn't his role to do the things a partner would usually do.

AlwaysGinPlease · 28/12/2022 20:12

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2022 20:12

Your expectations are too high. He is ten and it isn't his role to do the things a partner would usually do.

This exactly.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/12/2022 20:13

I think it depends on family @abrandnewhumbug I had to literally teach DH about Christmas presents because he never saw his parents give each other a present. With their children they were very much of the Christmas is about God, not pikes of presents ilk.

At 10 your son should have had some gifts/surprises from you and your family. Your mother or brother should have taken him.

I appreciate it's disappointing but someone has to show him how.

donttellmehesalive · 28/12/2022 20:13

I do think he should've bought you something but I also think that someone needed to facilitate it. Next year, take him shopping and send him off on his own for half an hour to get you something. Having said that, he told your family member that he was going to get you something so could have asked you to take him somewhere. Wasn't he a bit embarrassed on Xmas morning? I think it is fine to tell him that you were disappointed that he didn't even make a card.

I'm also quite shocked he was allowed to blow £500 on crap. How did he do that? Sounds like he might know how to shop when he needs to.

MajesticWhine · 28/12/2022 20:13

Kids need adults to tell them they need to get someone a gift. So please don't be hurt by it. Next time you need to be a bit more specific about it and tell him what is expected.
£500 is too much for a child of that age to have access to. He might be a bit spoilt but you can turn this around. Take control of the money in future and make sure he uses it for something worthwhile.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 20:14

Well my 11 year old has been going to the local shop for about a year and gets a bit of pocket money so bought me a Mars bar, grab bag of pickled onion monster munch a can of Fanta because he knows I like them

My 9 year old doesn't go anywhere on his own or have his own money so sent a link of a necklace he found on amazon to his 19 year old brother who's away at uni saying he thought it would be nice if they got it for me 🤣

donttellmehesalive · 28/12/2022 20:14

As pp said - he's spoilt and this is the consequence. Not too late to address it before you've got a 16yo with their hand constantly out for cash but doesn't lift a finger for you.

RewildingAmbridge · 28/12/2022 20:15

How have you been shopping many many times in two days? I also think YABU to let a ten year old blow £500 in 48 hours

SomethingOriginal2 · 28/12/2022 20:15

I think you need to ask one of your relatives to help him, to take him shopping to get you a gift.
The thing is, he doesn't see you get presents. He doesn't see people buying presents. At Christmas he just receives. He does need teaching about that. You can't expect him to just know.

cestlavielife · 28/12/2022 20:16

What s been happening the last two or three years for xmas and your birthday? Have you given him a 5£ and taken him to shop said buy me some chocolates? Who has been showing him or teaching him or encouraging him the past three years? How has he spent 500? On amzxon? How? Did you think he would suddenly at 10 know what to do?

Beginningless · 28/12/2022 20:16

I agree with others that he would need support so getting something for you would be tricky. However I agree with you that you want your son to have thought of you. I take my 4 and 6yr olds to get a gift for each other, their dad and whoever else is with us, and I hope by 10 that would be routine that they view as part of Xmas so they would seek out another adult to help.

However he is still wee and clearly from your op you want to get the message over without shaming him. I think that the group pics have given you sore feelings that you maybe need to take care of before speaking to him, as that’s not up to him to solve (which I think you know). I can imagine some of these judgy replies will have given you sore feelings too. I’m not sure exactly what to advise but I think letting some of the hurt feelings pass before having a chat with him about gratitude and how we show it. Also maybe next year saying to him yourself lightly ‘hope you’ve thought about a present for your hard working old mum’ or the like.

PriOn1 · 28/12/2022 20:16

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:11

We've been shopping many many times together since Christmas, plus in Lapland and at the airport. But no, he hasn't been shopping without me. Like I say, it's not the lack of gift that worries me, it's the lack of thought.

Have you prompted him to buy gifts for other people he loves? If he’s always been on the receiving end, it may not have even crossed his mind.

I don’t think you should draw any negative conclusions about him. Perhaps you need to work out how you can get him to enjoy giving, then it might extrapolate and realise that he should get you something too.

yellowbananasq · 28/12/2022 20:17

I don't understand how he had this £500 so readily available he could have bought you a present at all the times you were shopping....did he have it all in cash in his pocket? Didn't you take it off him and put it in an account and monitor his spending? He's 10 not 18. Why isn't he getting presents for Xmas from family? This all sounds really dysfunctional.