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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 28/12/2022 20:44

YABU. He’s TEN - a little boy. Do not put this emotional burden on him. He’s a child. You sound spoilt and narcissistic. You don’t give to receive.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 28/12/2022 20:45

OP, a few genuine questions: when was a 10 year old going to go out shopping without you to buy you a present? Why didn't a family member offer to take him shopping, instead of just giving him a load of money? How does a 10 year old spend £500 on "a load of shit"? Do you not parent him?!

Thread makes no sense.

Hatscats · 28/12/2022 20:45

Buy yourself something and put his money in savings - or at least £400 of it! I wouldn’t let him spend it on crap.

Anonymouseposter · 28/12/2022 20:45

Some children seem to be naturally thoughtful and like to buy presents. Many 10 year olds just wouldn’t think of it and need to be prompted and have it modelled for them by an adult. Some of the children you saw on WattsApp will have had a grandparent or aunt take them to get a present. You are treating him as older than he is. Why did you allow him to waste all that money? He needed limits and guidance. You have a role in teaching him to manage money.

StopStartStop · 28/12/2022 20:46

Well, he's ten. A child.
If you want a present from him, in future, you need to provide the money and take him out with you to choose your present. Provide also the gift wrap and tag. Tell him it will mean a lot to you to have a present from him.

cestlavielife · 28/12/2022 20:47

Give him some instructions
And show him
Let s go buy a present for granny and wrap it.

For my birthday I d love you to get me something from xxx shop
Like a mug candle scarf etc
Here s £10

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:47

I find it bizarre that a ten year old is being described as "only little" or "just wee". I'm pretty sure that any ten year old would be mortified to be viewed that way. Ten year olds walk to school and back with their mates and pass shops where I live. They know full well how to go orn and but things alone, ffs. And they know it's Christmas and they know that you buy people presents.

Peopleare taking about them as if they're four.

Ted27 · 28/12/2022 20:49

when my son was that age up to his early teens I took him to a local gift shop which sold silver stud earrings, bracelets, lip balms etc. I walked round with him and pointed out several things I liked - up to £10. I then waited outside the shop whilst he picked something and the assistant helped him wrap it. So I always had a surprise

SD1978 · 28/12/2022 20:49

I believe a ten year old has enough awareness to realise that they need to get their mum a present. He is a bit selfish, and I don't know what you can do- except maybe dial down the spoildness.

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:50

VestaTilley · 28/12/2022 20:44

YABU. He’s TEN - a little boy. Do not put this emotional burden on him. He’s a child. You sound spoilt and narcissistic. You don’t give to receive.

No, you give to make someone happy. And a ten year old should want to do that. If my three year old DGD knows and wants to do that, a ten year old surely can.

DoNotGetADog · 28/12/2022 20:50

How and why have you let a 10 year old boy waste £500 on rubbish?

Do you think you maybe feel guilty that you let him waste it all? That amount of money would last most 10 year olds a whole year of buying the odd thing when they wanted it, which would have been really nice. Or obviously he could have saved some.

DomPom47 · 28/12/2022 20:50

I would be very disappointed too. Like you have said it is the the thought and he has had plenty of opportunities. Even making a small card and writing something nice inside. What on earth did a 10 year old spend £500 on?

butterfliedtwo · 28/12/2022 20:51

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:47

I find it bizarre that a ten year old is being described as "only little" or "just wee". I'm pretty sure that any ten year old would be mortified to be viewed that way. Ten year olds walk to school and back with their mates and pass shops where I live. They know full well how to go orn and but things alone, ffs. And they know it's Christmas and they know that you buy people presents.

Peopleare taking about them as if they're four.

Yes, this.

StaunchMomma · 28/12/2022 20:51

My son has never bought me a thing - I don't even get DH to buy one from him either, I just do it mysef.

And I wrap it!

It's really not a big deal, OP. It's absolutely normal.

Backstreets · 28/12/2022 20:51

I understand why you feel hurt OP, and I certainly don't think ten is too young to think of a present for mum. However it's not too old to learn either, and teaching him about generosity is something he'll benefit from in later years! He certainly gets a lot of presents so he has plenty of family members to make things for come next winter.

maddy68 · 28/12/2022 20:51

Does he believe in Santa?

Verbena17 · 28/12/2022 20:51

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:00

It's absolutely not about the gift. I'm just worried it reflects on whether he thinks about other people.

Maybe he's too young for me to be worried about this.

The other mums on my single mum whatsapp group were sharing pics of little trinkets their kids got them and I was concerned I was doing something wrong, parenting-wise, that my son didn't do something like this.

Show quote history

He’s 10! Of course a 10yr old boy isn’t necessarily going to think about buying their mum a gift.

It was pretty irresponsible/slack of your family (mostly your brother) not to help him buy you a little gift.

That aside, there are so many little subtle ways of teaching your DS about being kind to others. Take him to a homeless shelter and take some warm clothing, toiletries and blankets to hand in - to show him how anybody can be kind to others.
Or get him to declutter his unwanted toys and help you take them to them to a charity shop.

Watch some movies that centre on kindness and humanity.

Show him through your actions how to be the kind boy you want him to be.

But at the end of the day, you can’t blame a 10yr old kiddo for not buying you a gift at Christmas. I don’t think there are many kids that would do that without another adult to prompt them.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 28/12/2022 20:52

I didn't buy my parents Christmas presents until I was old enough to earn my own money and go out and buy them something. My parents would not have expected 10 year old me to go out and buy a gift, my parents probably wrote my name on one they bought but I had no input into it. I think you are treating him like he's older because of your circumstances, he isn't responsible for buying you a gift he's a child. I'm sure if you weren't single your boyfriend would buy you something, it isn't his fault you are single with no one to buy for you. You shouldn't have allowed him to waste £500, it should have been a case of he gets to spend £50 and the rest goes into savings, you are the parent here.

Bringonsummer19 · 28/12/2022 20:53

It’s not his fault you are a single parent. He is 10.

oblada · 28/12/2022 20:53

I agree it makes no sense. Why did family members give him £500 to spend on rubbish? How did he spend it all? Did you not keep a check on it? Did noone actually help him get you a gift?

My 10yrs old and 8 years old buy gifts for key relatives of their own volition with their pocket money. More my 10yrs old in fairness. My 8yrs old bought her siblings small things (with my help) and handmade various presents for grandparents/uncles and aunts etc. My 10yrs old bought some of her friends some presents and they did the same and handmade some too. For me and my DH they just helped us respectively to sort out the others present. So i suppose yes he should have thought about it but he probably needed a bit of help and nobody seemed to give it.

StrawberryWater · 28/12/2022 20:53

He blew £500 on shit because you let him.

🤷‍♀️

As for him not buying you a gift, he needs to be guided and how to do stuff like that.

Who is actually parenting him? Nobody it would seem.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 28/12/2022 20:53

At 10 I don’t think he’s too young to think of others, but I do think he’s too young to go shopping by himself - so logistically I don’t know how he’d manage to get you a present.

DementedPanda · 28/12/2022 20:53

Hes 10... my ten year old enlisted the help of his grandparents as we've been unwell. Went out with them to buy us a really thoughtful present that he'd seen. We have all been unwell but he phoned the GPS and made sure we had thoughtful gift. Christmas morning, first thing he did was get ours from.under the tree after our tradition of unwrapping stockings in parents bed x

creamwitheverything · 28/12/2022 20:54

He is 10 yrs old , grow up OP..give your head a wobble ffs

donttellmehesalive · 28/12/2022 20:55

Ignore some of the more extreme posts op. Hopefully at least some of us have been helpful. It sounds like you know what sort of person you want him to be and can now make some changes to help him get there. Let him see you doing kind things - choosing gifts, wrapping them, talking about how you feel about the recipient. Engineer opportunities for him to make or buy something inexpensive for the people he loves. Hopefully, next Xmas - or your birthday, or Mother's Day - he'll show you how much you mean to him and be less focused on himself.