To be so disappointed in my son

[abrandnewhumbug]

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

Not really. One is too young. I’m happier if the older ones offer to walk the dog or make a cup of tea rather than buy something just for the sake of it.

I remember the year I got nothing because I'd given nothing. Never did this again.

I think people have very low expectations of a ten year old on this site. I was at secondary school aged 10, travelling around London on public transport and alway bought Christmas and birthday presents for my family. Seriously, can a ten year old not take themselves to a local shop to get their mum some
chocolate, hand cream or other little gift? Op I think you’re right to be disappointed and within your rights to mention it to him.

Unless you arranged a shopping trip for him and a relative to buy you a present I have no idea how you expected him to get you one?

If your son was 16+ and was earning his own money and was able to take himself off shopping, then you’d have a point.

It is ridiculous to be disappointed in a 10 year old CHILD.

Of course he’s going to be spending his money on himself. That’s what kids do!

My nine year old sorted out presents for his brother and his dad, he picked them by himself and I ordered them for him. For my present I asked him to just make me something which he did, I was over the moon.

I don't think YABU, but I do think you needed to instil this in him earlier. If all he's ever had is gifts without the notion of reciprocating, he won't have a notion that this could be something that's expected or desired of him. I have younger kids and I take them to buy for each other (Christmas and birthdays) so they realise it's a two way street. They aren't special, that there are social norms. If he's never done it, it won't occur to him.

Why isn't he saving that money he's being given? At least half of it? For when he actually needs something?

You have enough family to gift him £500 surly they can give you presents too.

At 10yo Christmas is all about magic and presents. Not about your feelings.

You are putting very adult emotions and responsibilities in a child.

I don't think I want to see what you'd post when you aren't being kind.

Don't be so ridiculous, it's not abuse to be disappointed that your 10 year old had £500, was reminded to buy his mum a present but didn't even spend £1 on some chocolate 🙄

10???

Sounds like a parallel universe to me.

At 10 this needs adult orchestration. You needed to take him out to shop for people important to him. Or ask another adult to do it, if you are so emotionally immature that you need to make a 10 year old responsible for your consumer based happiness at Xmas, and it had to be a surprise!

Alternatively, accept that he is just 10 and teach him to show his feelings and respect for you in healthy ways; helping you with jobs around the house, giving you 15 minutes quiet when you need it, using good manners etc...or set him up with some drawing stuff and let him know you'd love a drawing of XYZ for Xmas...

And letting him whizz through £500 like that? Wow. Was there really not something big/important he could have been guided toward that might have taught him what a large sum of money this is? And the value of items that cost this much? One of mine has been saving for an ipad for the past year and his Xmas money got him to his target -we could have helped him of course, but instead he has learned how long it takes to save for something like that, learns it is a valuable item, and he will take much better care of it having saved and bought it himself.

Also yes, you should encourage him to save some.

He's only 10. It's not his fault you don't have anyone to help him organise this.

I would actually tell him that you are a bit disappointed, and that a small present would be nice. My son at his age would have been the same by the way.

One of the other adults in his life needs to take him out on a shopping trip for you. That’s the way to show the example that this is what you do. My sister takes my children out shopping for my birthday and Christmas. ( I give her the money as they don’t have their own )

What type of school was this?

I, and everyone else I know in England starts secondary school at 11. I turned 12 2 months after starting secondary.

Ok, that's enough internet for me today. Off to spend time with my poor abused son 😳

In Englande (not sure about Scotland). 10 yo are still in primary school and depending on the area being driven to school every day and not just announcing to their parents they're popping out to the shops for a bit 😕.

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

10 is too young to go shopping on his own.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family do the same, if it bothers you, you could ask one of your family members to take your son shopping to get you a present before Christmas?

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

I actually think this is unfair of your brother to say that to your son. Why is it your son's 'job' to buy you a present with his gifted money, especially when none of your family do?

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

How did he spend almost £500 on rubbish in 3 days? He's 10, he needs to start learning about saving and budgeting.

He’s 10, is he supposed to take himself off to the shops? There are adults in your family, I would be more bothered one of them hasn’t bought a cheap box of chocs or wine for your son to give you.

This is so lovely. I hope by next year he has a heart as kind as this

Did you never teach him to make you gifts?

My son draws me a picture & now he's old enough he also makes me a cup of coffee as a gift (used to be a glass of milk with a cookie before he could use the kettle).

I'm a single parent & there has never been anyone who could take him to get me a present, so he couldn't learn that way which is why I taught him to gift me a picture.

He isn't big enough to go shopping without me yet, so maybe one day I'll get an upgrade to something purchased rather than made.

Every year they get better, but I have to admit sometimes that means I get a Christmas or birthday picture of a plants vs zombies battle which isn't what I'd choose, so we are still working on the "try to give something you think the person you are giving it to would like, not something you would like" bit.

Did you remind him to buy you one? If not you are expecting way too much of a ten year old

I think you might find, if you inquired further, that the kids on your WhatsApp group will have had a helping hand from another relative...

He's modelling what he sees - only children are bought presents. Kids don't always have the presence of mind to put themselves in your shoes.

I'd be more worried about how he managed to spend this large amount of money and have nothing to show for it.