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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
Juicylychee · 28/12/2022 20:18

£500 on shit? Why aren’t you insisting that he saves the majority of it?!

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:18

At ten (in fact earlier) my kids were perfectly able to buy something alone. We'd go to the shops together and arrange to meet at the other side of the tills.

Did you not take him to buy something for his grandparents for Christmas, etc?

My kids got the concept of buying and giving presents from when they were about three! Even if it was with my money, they understood that there were things that family members liked and that buying them and giving them as a gift would make them happy.
My granddaughter (aged three) already gets it, too. She bought a present for her auntie with me last time we went shopping, and got a buzz from giving it to her when she saw her..

You have to teach kids about the pleasure of giving, from when they're little. And then facilitate it.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2022 20:18

Let him be a child, OP - he isn't a replacement partner so why on Earth would you be disappointed in him?

Yes, it sucks to be a single parent and not get any presents despite working so hard to make sure everyone else has a lovely time, but you are the adult and he is the child. He didn't choose to be in his role like you did, so don't blame him because it stings to be a single parent in these moments.

Most single parents who receive presents from their child at that age either have someone else (usually another family member) supporting the child to buy or make something or the parent supports the child with it themselves (e.g. by giving them some money and waiting outside the shop, etc).

butterfliedtwo · 28/12/2022 20:19

ilovesooty · 28/12/2022 20:04

So was I.

If he managed to burn through £500 he could surely have bought a small gift for his mother.

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Same. 500 to burn is ridiculous anyway.

Dailywalk · 28/12/2022 20:19

my kids wouldn’t ever think to buy me anything without prompting from someone. Why don’t you suggest that you go to town or a shop or something and he might like to spend some of his money on a lot surprise for you then? Perhaps say you appreciate he hasn’t yet had the opportunity or might be stuck for ideas? He must have some money left to spend a fiver on you?

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:21

AlwaysGinPlease · 28/12/2022 20:12

This exactly.

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I couldn't disagree more. Ten year olds are perfectly capable of understanding about giving, and caring enough to do something that makes their parent (or gp, or sibling) happy

Lennybenny · 28/12/2022 20:21

He had £500 in an account that he had access to. That's the first issue. Savings account with only a minimal amount in an account he can access.

Explain your disappointment, ask what he's spent his money on and suggest you go out and he spend £ on you...coffee or lunch etc.

AmazonPrim · 28/12/2022 20:21

YABVU. He's 10. 10!!!

Also I think YABU to have let him blow £500 on junk and not put at least half or more into savings.

TheMamaYo · 28/12/2022 20:22

Ask a relative to talk to him about this and to help him get you something. My own children had to do this age 8 and 11 when their dad died. They always wanted to give me something, it was just the practicalities they needed help with. Let family help him until he is a bit older. But don’t just let it go. These things are instilled from a young age.

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:22

my kids wouldn’t ever think to buy me anything without prompting from someone.

That's so sad.

LIZS · 28/12/2022 20:23

How can a 10year old spend £500 with little supervision or guidance?

magicthree · 28/12/2022 20:24

He is 10 years old, he needs an adult to help him buy you a gift even if he uses his own money. Your expectations are far too high.

Seriously???? I bought gifts for my parents at that age, they might not have been great gifts (my DF must have ended up with many key rings!) but I made the effort without being told I should - and I certainly didn't need help from an adult.

2bazookas · 28/12/2022 20:24

You LET a 10 yr old squander £500 on trash????????

Lennybenny · 28/12/2022 20:24

Lennybenny · 28/12/2022 20:21

He had £500 in an account that he had access to. That's the first issue. Savings account with only a minimal amount in an account he can access.

Explain your disappointment, ask what he's spent his money on and suggest you go out and he spend £ on you...coffee or lunch etc.

Just realised it was cash. You should've taken it off him and transferred into an account or just taken it off him. £500 in 3 days is shocking and shows more about your relationship with money than his.

Doingmybest12 · 28/12/2022 20:24

I think you've left it quite late to introduce this idea, I would've told him I'd saved a bit of his pocket money and suggested he choose me something from a particular aisle or shop and wait outside for him. It could've been fun thing he could've been proud of. Maybe introduce it next year/for your birthday.

Crunchymum · 28/12/2022 20:25

HOW has he spent £500? I mean physically how???

MumoftwoGranofone · 28/12/2022 20:25

I think you’re being unreasonable to be disappointed in him. You have told us he’s a good boy. Let this be the message from you.

As he is only ten years old you’ve still got plenty of time to teach him about the joy of giving. For example, you could both choose a charity to give to regularly, either money or time or both.

£500 is a lot of money for anyone of any age to be given. Help him by teaching him how to use money responsibly. £50 in cash and put the rest in a savings account?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2022 20:26

So he's been handed £500 before Xmas and he's had full access to all of it so has spent it all on junk? Honestly as a parent I'd be more worried about this than him not thinking of buying you something.

Is this the first Christmas as a single parent? If not, what harpenden last year?

Personally I think I've of the adults around him should have stepped in and checked he'd got you something. The first year my sister was a single parent I made sure she'd got mother's day presents and cards. It's not complicated

GiltEdges · 28/12/2022 20:26

Was the trip to Lapland his only present? Because it’s not really a gift for a 10yo is it, it’s just a holiday, albeit an extravagant one. If he has nothing to open, then you were sort of even, as you got to go on the trip too 🤷‍♀️

Aprilx · 28/12/2022 20:26

When I was 10 I was definitely able to save up for and buy presents for my family. So did my siblings, we were brought up to do this, but I can also see it might not be the norm for every family. If your son routinely received £500 at Christmas and presumably birthdays and you don’t even oversee it, I am not surprised that he is a little bit spoilt and self absorbed perhaps.

Sparklybutold · 28/12/2022 20:26

I completely empathise with you feeling disappointed, especially considering he promised to get you something. However, I don't think he would have done it maliciously, it just wouldn't have occurred to him as he's a kid. I think this would be the perfect opportunity to sit him down and then explain how you feel and how he could make it better.

DarkKarmaIlama · 28/12/2022 20:26

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JustAnotherManicNameChange · 28/12/2022 20:26

Did you make a habit out of taking him out shopping for little gifts for you or other people? Bring a friend something from a holiday, buy a treat for someone who looked after him, buy a birthday gift for a friend etc?

If not, then you can't expect it to be a priority and something he knows he has to do and how to do it. So start now and encourage and model the behaviours you want to see even if it's all promoted by you at first.

Nocutenamesleft · 28/12/2022 20:27

I remember being that age and asking my mum for money to buy her a gift. I brought her this gold ring and that was 40 odd years ago and she still wears it today. I cost £17!

I thought it was terrible that I’d asked her for money. But maybe not?

orbitalcrisis · 28/12/2022 20:27

I'm a single parent and my children don't usually get me gifts as I never taught them to. I never saw the point of giving them some of my money so they could buy me something I probably wouldn't like! If it's not something that is done every year, why would they think about it? Have you taken him to buy you a gift every other year and this is the first time you have not had one? Maybe he needs a few more years of reminders and being taken out specifically to buy you something.