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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
ByTheGrace · 28/12/2022 22:16

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 20:01

I was buying gifts for my parents at Christmas unprompted, using my own pocket money, at the age of 10. Didn't think this was unusual but the consensus here seems to be it is. Confused

Can't quite understand most of the replies here. A 10yr old will be going to high school in less than a year, presumably travelling by themselves, going into town on a weekend? Yet they can't go to the corner shop?
I bought my Mum gifts at the corner shop, chocolates or a paperback at that age.

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 22:20

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 22:15

Well at 10 mine bought me a packet of maltesers from the local shop, this year it was a marsbar, can of Fanta and a grab bag of pickled onion monster munch . He's never needed telling that people other than himself enjoy receiving presents though

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Hope they wrapped up the monster munch and the can of Fanta.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/12/2022 22:21

I'm a single mum and I would take my daughter from a young age to a shop, give her a fiver and tell her to buy me something. I would suggest chocolates or some smellies. I occasionally got something random but that's fine.

Unless he's going off shopping on his own when would he have had the opportunity to buy you something?

Alternatively ask a friend/relative to take him shopping for a gift for you.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2022 22:21

Well at 10 mine bought me a packet of maltesers from the local shop, this year it was a marsbar, can of Fanta and a grab bag of pickled onion monster munch . He's never needed telling that people other than himself enjoy receiving presents though

Yes, but OP's DS has grown up in a family where only the children receive gifts and the adults don't, so how could he possibly know that he's the one child who's expected to buy a gift unless someone has explained it to him?

From the OP:
I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

Greenfairydust · 28/12/2022 22:21

This is all rather odd.

  • So he got £500 in cash? you should have kept an eye on how it was spend or even put that in a bank child saving account on his behalf, not let him spend it all (how does that work anyway? he is a bit young to go to the shops on his own)
  • He is 10. How do you expect him to buy you a gift? surely he would need a family member to help with that.
saraclara · 28/12/2022 22:22

Cuppasoupmonster · 28/12/2022 22:08

If he did it would be a ‘so disappointed to get a bottle of fairy liquid and a scratch card for Christmas AIBU’ thread

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Corner shops sell chocolates, and more.

And the local small shops near me are full of kids buying stuff on their way to and from school.

The funny thing is that this ten year old who is apparently too young to go in a shop and buy something for his mum, is perfectly able to find a way to spend £500'on himself.

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 22:26

saraclara · 28/12/2022 22:22

Corner shops sell chocolates, and more.

And the local small shops near me are full of kids buying stuff on their way to and from school.

The funny thing is that this ten year old who is apparently too young to go in a shop and buy something for his mum, is perfectly able to find a way to spend £500'on himself.

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He obviously didn’t spend £500 without any input from an adult. Not sure why everyone is so outraged that he spent his £500 Christmas money on things for himself. It was obviously in lieu of presents. Don’t think anybody would be that outraged that a child with a large extended family may have received a collective total of £500 worth of presents.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 22:27

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 22:20

Hope they wrapped up the monster munch and the can of Fanta.

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Nope , I'm probably lucky he didn't decide to eat them himself

dormouses · 28/12/2022 22:27

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:33

It actually never occurred to me that he'd need to be taught something like this. What a lovely idea though! This is a great basis to have a chat with him.

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I think it does need to be taught but it's a bit sad that in a family that only does gifts for the children, no-one has realised that you don't receive anything and therefore not one person has given you even a token gift, or helped your DS to buy you one.

My DC spend the whole of December making all manner of tat gifts at school, which they secretly wrap for us. I include them in gift decisions and shopping trips for cousins and grandparents. They always buy/make gifts for each other. I hope I'm instilling a bit of the joy of Christmas is in the giving, not just the receiving. If my DC receive cash then I'll help them to decide what to spend it on so they can let the giver know in their thank you letters.

Cactusprick · 28/12/2022 22:27

Dillydollydingdong · 28/12/2022 20:00

Buy yourself something and tell him he's paying for it out of his pocket money. Then stop his pocket money for the appropriate number of weeks!

Oh god, do not do this OP. This won’t teach him anything, it’s just cruel.

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 22:29

Sunnytwobridges · 28/12/2022 22:03

Same. I actually looked forward to it as I loved buying gifts as much as receiving them, even at that age.

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But you didn't learn not to shove your wonderful, kind nature into the face of someone who has a child who didn't do this and is feeling upset.

I don't think it's helpful for OP to read this.

SallyWD · 28/12/2022 22:30

My children (who are 12 and nearly 10) didn't get me any gifts and I hadn't even given it any thought until I read your post. It's no big deal. They're children. They always get me a little something for my birthday - that's enough.

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 22:31

ByTheGrace · 28/12/2022 22:16

Can't quite understand most of the replies here. A 10yr old will be going to high school in less than a year, presumably travelling by themselves, going into town on a weekend? Yet they can't go to the corner shop?
I bought my Mum gifts at the corner shop, chocolates or a paperback at that age.

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The child might have turned 10 i.e. year 5 and may not have a corner shop or opportunity/safe environment to go out alone.

saraclara · 28/12/2022 22:31

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 22:26

He obviously didn’t spend £500 without any input from an adult. Not sure why everyone is so outraged that he spent his £500 Christmas money on things for himself. It was obviously in lieu of presents. Don’t think anybody would be that outraged that a child with a large extended family may have received a collective total of £500 worth of presents.

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My point is that whatever method be used to spend on himself, he could have used to buy something for his mum.

keeprunning55 · 28/12/2022 22:32

Please don’t feel disappointed in your ds.
With my own dc, I give them some money to spend on family gifts and take them to a shop. I wouldn’t expect a gift if I didn’t do this, especially at 10 years old.

melj1213 · 28/12/2022 22:33

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 22:07

Are 10 year olds really making impromptu visits to the ‘corner shop’ for Christmas gifts?

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I want to know where other posters live that have such an abundance of "corner shops" that are safely accessible at all times.

Where I live the closest shops are a garage with an extortionately overpriced Spar attached or a paper shop. Both are at least 15 minutes walk away in opposite directions and require crossing 2 or 4 main roads, only one of which has an actual crossing.

Even now DD is 13 I don't like her 'popping to the shop' in the evenings as it's so dark and the roads are so busy at this time of year

AnneElliott · 28/12/2022 22:34

Surely one of your family should have taken him out to bug you a gift? At 10 he's pronto young to sort it himself even if he does have lots of cash!

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 22:36

You should DEFINITELY tell him that he's disappointed you. He's been selfish and entitled and needs to be pulled up on it. I taught my DS to buy Christmas gifts from age 5 when we used to go a charity/junk shop and he'd choose 50p things for everyone, to when I made him 'earn' the money to buy gifts with chores to now when he's 14 and he spends his own saved money. And he gets them for the whole extended family who he sees - this year it was 11!
how is he going to learn to be unselfish and think of others if you don't use these moments to teach him?!

Why would you teach your child that!

Poor kid having to worry about buying presents for others at 5.

You have taught your child that buying or receiving a gift means that person is unselfish.

My DD has been taught the complete opposite - that love, respect, kindness etc cannot be brought and just because someone buys you something, does not mean that they love or respect you.
It is just a bonus.

Someones behaviour determines what they’re like as a person, not the fact that they buy you gifts.

No wonder so many people get caught out when being loved bombed, as their parents have taught them that gifts = love.

CPL593H · 28/12/2022 22:37

Lovemusic33 · 28/12/2022 20:01

Single parent here. My dc are 16 and 18 and still don’t get me a gift. I buy my own gifts. Occasionally my mum will buy them a gift to give to me but it’s usually something pretty awful or just chocolate. I don’t expect anything from them.

At their ages, they really should bother.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 22:38

melj1213 · 28/12/2022 22:33

I want to know where other posters live that have such an abundance of "corner shops" that are safely accessible at all times.

Where I live the closest shops are a garage with an extortionately overpriced Spar attached or a paper shop. Both are at least 15 minutes walk away in opposite directions and require crossing 2 or 4 main roads, only one of which has an actual crossing.

Even now DD is 13 I don't like her 'popping to the shop' in the evenings as it's so dark and the roads are so busy at this time of year

Show quote history

Well we don't all live in the back of beyond but it's irrelevant to the op really as she has taken him to shops plenty of times since he was given the money and reminded by an uncle to get her a present

Carlycat · 28/12/2022 22:39

I'm sure I'm not the only one intrigued as to how a 10 year old burns his way through £500...
Care to enlighten us OP?

SaphiraBlue · 28/12/2022 22:41

Single mum here, ex husband left when son was 6 weeks old.
Ever since he was 2, I have taken my son into a shop, the lady who owned the shop would walk around with him and he would pick a gift for me. I was so fortunate that the lady was very kind to do this, she even wrapped it for him and gave him a discount so he could afford it out of the money I had given him. We ended up doing this for every occasion, Christmas, Mother’s Day, my birthday. My son is now 13 and it’s become our little tradition.

I knew no one else would take him and he wouldn’t have known I would want/ expect anything, unless I taught him to do it. Plus, being so young at the time, he wasn’t really in a position to do it himself.

If it’s something you feel strongly about you need to just explain/ teach him that it’s what you would hope. I want my son to be considerate, not just of me but of any partner he has when he’s older, so I’ve tried to guide him what to do for special occasions. He now takes so much pleasure in choosing a gift he thinks I will like and gets excited about giving it to me. This year, he bought me a piano book, as I mentioned that I would like to try and learn how to play again. It was perfect.

In future, remind him and let him know what your expectations are, then in time it will become instinct.

TheGirlWhoTamedTheDragon · 28/12/2022 22:41

Some of these comments are bizarre. I'm a lone parent with children are much younger than that and they always get another adult to help them buy me Christmas/ birthday presents. They also choose presents for other family members specifically from them which I help them with. No good for them to think it's all about receiving things and not choosing and giving gifts themselves. I'd be upset about it too, OP. Your brother should have taken him shopping and helped him to choose you something. What usually happens?

Tempyname · 28/12/2022 22:41

He is 10. You needed to help hi. With this, taking him shopping and giving him 20 mins inside a store to get you something, or asking a relative or friend to take him.

BadNomad · 28/12/2022 22:43

I think you should tell him it made you sad that he didn't buy you anyway. He understood the expectation. He promised his uncle he would buy you something. He is old enough, but maybe needs some help. So give him some ideas, or take him to a store and tell him to go pick something for you.

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