Page 10 | To be so disappointed in my son

abrandnewhumbug · 2022-12-28T19:56:52+00:00

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10. I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one. My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something. He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him). He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift. Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that). I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 21:40

Mariposista · 28/12/2022 21:38

When I was 8 I went on Brownie Camp. We were allowed £5 pocket money. On the Sunday they took us to the local town market and I bought my mum a tiny glass box for 3,50. Most of the girls spent the lot on sweets but I was so proud of this little gift. Mum still has it in her house, 30 years later. Children cam be thoughtful, but it is easy nowadays for them to be selfish. Life seems to revolve around children in many cases (and 500 is too much for a young child).

So you were taken to town where you could browse the shops (under some level of supervision I presume). That's not quite the same situation.

kittensinthekitchen · 28/12/2022 21:40

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:11

We've been shopping many many times together since Christmas, plus in Lapland and at the airport. But no, he hasn't been shopping without me. Like I say, it's not the lack of gift that worries me, it's the lack of thought.

"many many times"?

When do you celebrate Christmas?

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 21:40

Have had even, he's 11 now

owdlass · 28/12/2022 21:42

Hi...Kids at school nowadays are surely taught to make/send a card to mum or guardian on certain days, ie, birthday, Christmas, Mothers/Fathers day, thereby trying to teach them to be thoughtful and kind, and I'm at a loss as to why the lad never thought of this.. It doesn't matter about a gift..just a little card, or small token would have been nice, But, like others say, if he is only 10, then you really shouldn't expect more. Just say to him..you might have liked a little something as he was so loaded- in jest, if necessary.. But.. don't sweat the small things woman!

SchnauzerEyebrows · 28/12/2022 21:42

Another single parent here (widowed)

Why on earth did you allow him to spend £500???? On anything?!?! That's insanely irresponsible

SchnauzerEyebrows · 28/12/2022 21:43

Sunnydays0101 · 28/12/2022 20:05

How did he spend the £500 - surely you brought him shopping/guided him on what he brought to make sure ur wasn’t all spent on crap??

*bought. Brought & bought are two different words!

SchnauzerEyebrows · 28/12/2022 21:44

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:11

We've been shopping many many times together since Christmas, plus in Lapland and at the airport. But no, he hasn't been shopping without me. Like I say, it's not the lack of gift that worries me, it's the lack of thought.

Been shopping many many times since Christmas? Christmas was 3 days ago! Wth?

Goingforarun · 28/12/2022 21:44

I wouldn’t allow a 10-year-old spend £500 as he pleases. Either tell your family not to give him cash or tell him the cash has to go in a savings account and he can spend 10% of it. Maybe next year sit down together and write a Christmas list each.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2022 21:44

OP I am so sorry you have had some vile comments on this. You are completely right. You are right to be upset.

Pipsquiggle · 28/12/2022 21:45

Anyone else shocked that a 10 year old gets £500 and he just gets to spend it totally unsupervised?

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 21:45

YABVU

I’m in the exact same situation as you and I’d never want my DD to worry about getting me something.

I am an adult.
If I want something I will buy it.
It’s not for a child to buy it for me.

You chose to take your child to Lapland.
Please don’t try and make him pay you back like he owes you for doing something nice for him.

You should be teaching your child that material things don’t equal love or appreciation.

Theneverendingdrama · 28/12/2022 21:45

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 21:39

How is your 9 yo able to buy things online?

Show quote history

I already explained how in the post you quoted. I didnt say he 'buys things online'. I said he picks something online, gives me the cash, then I pay for it with my bank card.

PrincessScarlett · 28/12/2022 21:45

You shouldn't be disappointed in your son. You should be disappointed in yourself for allowing him to spend £500 on rubbish. How is this teaching him how to be responsible with money? No wonder he didn't buy you anything as it sounds like he's had no financial guidance. I'm just so shocked you've allowed him to waste such a huge amount of money, particularly when many people are in such financial hardship at the moment.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 28/12/2022 21:48

I remember my mother going apeshit at me for not buying her a birthday present when I was around the same age. I had no money or opportunity to get her anything. I now know she's a nassasist but it took me years to get over the guilt.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 21:49

Iwantamarshmallowman · 28/12/2022 21:48

I remember my mother going apeshit at me for not buying her a birthday present when I was around the same age. I had no money or opportunity to get her anything. I now know she's a nassasist but it took me years to get over the guilt.

Well that's really sad but hardly the same. Op hasn't gone apeshit and he has his own money

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 21:51

I think you need to be questioning how a 10 year old has spent £500 in a matter of days.

There is no way he should have had free rein with that sort of money.

You need to be careful you’re not treating him like a replacement for your adult boyfriend and make sure you’re treating him like the child he is.

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 21:52

saraclara · 28/12/2022 21:37

What 10 year old boys are taking their own Christmas money, popping themselves to the shops and selecting gifts for others?! Then there’s the extra skills that would go into wrapping these gifts, hiding them and presenting them at the correct time. Those that think this is a reasonable expectation, or that the child is spoilt for not doing so, have probably not spend much time around 10 year old children.

This is exactly what I mean by underestimating and infantilising double digit kids. And yes, I've had my own ten year olds and I've taught bucketloads of them. They are way more capable than many here seem to think. The low expectations around here are actually quite worrying.

If infantilising a 10 year old is not expecting them to go shopping alone to buy adults presents with their own Christmas money, then I’m quite comfortable to be infantilising children. Primary school aged children should not be going shopping alone, presumably with pocketfuls of cash, to make the adults in their life feel better about themselves.

Bestcatmum · 28/12/2022 21:53

Goodness, I thought he was 18 plus.

Get christmas completely over and then have a word with him about how its nice to get your mum a present at christmas and that you were hurt you didn't get anything.

He shouldn't have been allowed to spend £500 on rubbish at that age anyway. Most of it should have gone into savings with a small amount given to him to spend.

He needs to learn the value of money from an early age and that money isn't just there to be wasted.

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 21:54

I can’t remember buying my mum presents as a 10 year old? Is that normal?

Why did none of your huge family who gave your son £500 get you anything? This story makes no sense. You’re trying to parentify your child as you have no one else in your life you are close to and imo it’s creepy.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 21:55

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 21:52

If infantilising a 10 year old is not expecting them to go shopping alone to buy adults presents with their own Christmas money, then I’m quite comfortable to be infantilising children. Primary school aged children should not be going shopping alone, presumably with pocketfuls of cash, to make the adults in their life feel better about themselves.

Show quote history

What? Not even to the corner shop . Anyway op has already said he's been to the shops with her plenty of times since before Christmas

Spellcheck · 28/12/2022 21:55

I don’t think you can expect a 10 year old to get you anything. I don’t think he should, either.
My concern is that he’s spent it all on rubbish. Has he saved any of it? Have you had a conversation with him about how to look after money? That’s a lot of money for a 10 year old!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/12/2022 21:57

You should DEFINITELY tell him that he's disappointed you. He's been selfish and entitled and needs to be pulled up on it. I taught my DS to buy Christmas gifts from age 5 when we used to go a charity/junk shop and he'd choose 50p things for everyone, to when I made him 'earn' the money to buy gifts with chores to now when he's 14 and he spends his own saved money. And he gets them for the whole extended family who he sees - this year it was 11!
how is he going to learn to be unselfish and think of others if you don't use these moments to teach him?!

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 21:57

Psychonabike · 28/12/2022 20:34

You may feel people have been unkind. The thing is though, this:

"Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart"

...really is very unpleasant, in the context of a child of just 10.

Yes exactly. OP doesn’t have a good heart she seems like a weirdo using her son to make up for her other lack of relationships.

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 22:00

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/12/2022 21:57

You should DEFINITELY tell him that he's disappointed you. He's been selfish and entitled and needs to be pulled up on it. I taught my DS to buy Christmas gifts from age 5 when we used to go a charity/junk shop and he'd choose 50p things for everyone, to when I made him 'earn' the money to buy gifts with chores to now when he's 14 and he spends his own saved money. And he gets them for the whole extended family who he sees - this year it was 11!
how is he going to learn to be unselfish and think of others if you don't use these moments to teach him?!

What a vile comment about a ten year old. God help your kids. OP should maybe make some friends, be nicer to her family or get a partner instead of completely relying on her child to give her her only present. My parents didn’t rely on me as a ten year old to give them their sole present then have a strop if I didn’t do it right. Just let him be a kid.

Bluerisotto · 28/12/2022 22:00

I had similar with my son....I didn't want to make him feel bad or use guilt as a tool to make him buy me presents. He is now in his 20's and still doesn't bother.

I think you do need to tackle this but it is for other family members to take him aside / take him shopping and teach him how to choose presents for someone and think about what they would like. So I'd speak to another family member and ask them to help him in this regard.