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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have risked severely offending this friend by being truthful here?

157 replies

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 28/12/2022 13:42

long awaited night out with great close group of friends. About 8 of us.
Planned a couple of months ago and finally got a date good for us all.8pm table booked.
The group is older, all with either grown up kids or older kids of our own.
One though has a toddler. She doesn’t get out at all really except with us.
She was telling me the other day that her (god damned useless/areshole) “D” H suggested she bring the toddler along to the meal as it’s been a while since some of us haven’t seen said toddler for a few months and must be missing him terribly.
It’s a bit of an issue normal as this friend tends to dominate things by insisting on passing round endless pictures of toddler and insisting we each look at the various films & pictures of the child.
I was really taken aback by this suggestion and said that I really really think it’s an adults only evening and would toddler not be in bed by 8pm? To which She said she would keep toddler awake so we could all see him for the meal.
To which I said that with all due respect, some of the group would not come if she brought the child along as it would change the dynamic of the evening that we had all been looking forward to for so long.
She just couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all, I couldn’t understand her pov at all either.
Believe me, 8 out of 8 of the others would not come if she brought the child cute as he is. They would cancel.
How would you have worded this??

OP posts:
Getamoveon36 · 28/12/2022 13:43

Couldn’t imagine anything worse. YANBU.

crabsaremisunderstood · 28/12/2022 13:44

Absolutely, YANBU.

Cheeky fucker!

Prinnny · 28/12/2022 13:44

Good for you for telling her! God how entitled to think a group of adult wants a toddler on a night out, it would completely change the dynamic. Cheeky twat!

ChaToilLeam · 28/12/2022 13:45

YADNBU. An evening in the company of an overtired toddler - no thank you. She sounds like she has the hide of a rhino so being blunt is the only way.

DuplicateUserName · 28/12/2022 13:46

"Sorry, it's an adult only night. If your DH doesn't want to look after his child, you can catch up with us on the next night out".

Although to be fair, I probably would've just raised my eyebrows and said "Nope!" accompanied by a laugh.

FlirtyMelons · 28/12/2022 13:46

I would have just said that this particular evening isn't suitable for toddler but could we arrange a get together at some point during the day somewhere suitable.

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 13:47

If the husband is able to look after the toddler, then he should. It's not a lunch date and a toddler would absolutely change the dynamics. If that woman is so adamant the toddler should be there, then she should stay at home with said toddler.

Mummyof287 · 28/12/2022 13:47

YANBU...totally inappropriate to be bringing a toddler out at that time of night, poor toddler will be very bored and tired at an adult meal and it will be difficult for the mum and the rest of you to 'let your hair down' with him there....it will definitely change the atmosphere.
She needs to come without him or just not come if it's too difficult logistically and for any reason he can't be left with her husband.

baublesandbreakdowns · 28/12/2022 13:47

I would also have said it was an adult evening and the child needs to be at home not out in a restaurant.

You could soften it with how much you were looking forward to all spending some time together, child free.

Hadenoughbringmechocolate · 28/12/2022 13:47

I think you were spot on with what you said. You didn't judge; there was nothing emotional - it sounds like you gave her the facts in a calm, honest way and she didn't like this.

I have a friend like this; cannot understand why I have backed away from the friendship as she cannot be without her kids. I have a child too- I understand the attachment particularly when they are small. But we are talking older, no additional needs, no issues with husband looking after them if she wants to go out (my other half is good friends with her husband). And no - it isn't just me; she is like this with everyone and sadly has lost a lot of closer friendships due to this. There's no bad feeling from my side but- I don't want kids tagging along to every occasion we meet!

PeppermintChoc · 28/12/2022 13:48

Sounds like utter madness. I have two young kids and it’s not at all unusual for one of my friends, or me, to arrange a meet on the basis it’s childfree. Occasionally my friend with a crap husband will bring her kids round but it does change the dynamic.

baublesandbreakdowns · 28/12/2022 13:48

Is it possible deadbeat dad has refused to look after his child so the only choice is to cancel or bring them?

drpet49 · 28/12/2022 13:48

What you said was fine OP

Original poster
ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 28/12/2022 13:49

This I know will mean the friend with toddler who doesn’t drive will be dropped off by her “D”H who will park up and come into restaurant with toddler to say a “quick hi” for us all to admire and coo over the cranky tired kid while seated waiting to order. Followed by uncomfortable overstaying by the husband.

OP posts:
ymemanresu · 28/12/2022 13:49

Definitely 100% NBU. Sounds like the husband doesn't want to look after his own son the lazy git. You say he's useless? In what other ways?

ImAvingOops · 28/12/2022 13:49

Is her husband just a complete lazy fucker who cba to look after his child or are the pair of them genuinely deluded and think they everyone wants to spend hours with/hearing about their toddler?

You did right to tell her it wasn't appropriate. Because she's so thick skinned maybe the best way to couch it is that people will be drinking and talking about adult topics that are not suitable for a child to hear.

At some point, if she doesn't wise up, it's going to cost her her friendships. Someone will be very blunt one day.

LadyKenya · 28/12/2022 13:50

How would she expect to enjoy herself, talking, and having a laugh, with a toddler needing constant attention. Surely she is not being serious in thinking that everybody is so invested in seeing her child.

emptythelitterbox · 28/12/2022 13:51

baublesandbreakdowns · 28/12/2022 13:48

Is it possible deadbeat dad has refused to look after his child so the only choice is to cancel or bring them?

That's my guess. her dickhead issues aren't the group's problem.

roseretrox · 28/12/2022 13:52

baublesandbreakdowns · 28/12/2022 13:48

Is it possible deadbeat dad has refused to look after his child so the only choice is to cancel or bring them?

I think I’d rather the friend cancelled than brought her toddler, as he really would change the dynamic for everyone else who cannot meet up often. It’s not like there will be another dinner the next week with the entire group

Nevermind31 · 28/12/2022 13:53

If you want to see a child you arrange a play date. During the day.
an evening out with someone else’s toddler? No thank you - my “free” evenings are sparse.
i think you worded it perfectly.

roseretrox · 28/12/2022 13:53

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 28/12/2022 13:49

This I know will mean the friend with toddler who doesn’t drive will be dropped off by her “D”H who will park up and come into restaurant with toddler to say a “quick hi” for us all to admire and coo over the cranky tired kid while seated waiting to order. Followed by uncomfortable overstaying by the husband.

If this happens then I would say Hi, then go to the toilet or outside for an extended loo/smoke break until they left. I don’t even smoke! But you can’t pander to her partner’s overbearing nature.

Coffeellama · 28/12/2022 13:53

YANBU, does the restaurant even allow kids at 8pm? Plenty don’t

Shivermytimber · 28/12/2022 13:53

Well done for saying something. The behaviour of her and her husband is rather ridiculous.

LadyKenya · 28/12/2022 13:53

Following your update, they both sound like it is all about them.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/12/2022 13:53

baublesandbreakdowns · 28/12/2022 13:48

Is it possible deadbeat dad has refused to look after his child so the only choice is to cancel or bring them?

Yes, I think that's very possible indeed.

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