To have risked severely offending this friend by being truthful here?

[ColinRobinsonsfamiliar]

long awaited night out with great close group of friends. About 8 of us.
Planned a couple of months ago and finally got a date good for us all.8pm table booked.
The group is older, all with either grown up kids or older kids of our own.
One though has a toddler. She doesn’t get out at all really except with us.
She was telling me the other day that her (god damned useless/areshole) “D” H suggested she bring the toddler along to the meal as it’s been a while since some of us haven’t seen said toddler for a few months and must be missing him terribly.
It’s a bit of an issue normal as this friend tends to dominate things by insisting on passing round endless pictures of toddler and insisting we each look at the various films & pictures of the child.
I was really taken aback by this suggestion and said that I really really think it’s an adults only evening and would toddler not be in bed by 8pm? To which She said she would keep toddler awake so we could all see him for the meal.
To which I said that with all due respect, some of the group would not come if she brought the child along as it would change the dynamic of the evening that we had all been looking forward to for so long.
She just couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all, I couldn’t understand her pov at all either.
Believe me, 8 out of 8 of the others would not come if she brought the child cute as he is. They would cancel.
How would you have worded this??

Yanbu. I can't stand other people's kids when you have arra fed adults only. I definitely wouldn't come

YANBU.

I think what you said was good. It sounds like her 'd' H is controlling and lazy and has probably refused to take care of DC so she can have her night out. If I recall correctly, you mentioned she didn't have a lot of friends-has this potentially been caused by him/their relationship?

It sounds like he might want to isolate/sabotage her friendships. Hence the "Oh, you can take the toddler to your adult only evening-they all love the DC!" and the behaviour with being rude when you popped over.

If he does turn up and come in with the toddler in tow, I'd just be polite but brief and say "Oh, it's been nice seeing you both, but guess toddler had best be getting to bed now! Goodbye!"

Make it clear that their presence is not welcome. The toddler will likely want to be tucked up in bed anyway rather than stuck on a boring night out with adults.

I think you did the right thing saying this is an adults only evening and she should not bring the toddler. If you think she has been offended by your comment, then perhaps you could offer for a member of your family to babysit the child so she can come out?

I can't believe that some parents are so socially unaware to think that a taking a toddler to a night out is acceptable.

I'd confiscate the friend's phone at 8pm so her dp can't sabotage her night out with endless calls. You can give it back at the end of the night, at least she can have a few hours peace.

You were blunt but she needed to be told this......I couldn't think of anything worse. Unfortunately some people think as soon as the LO arrives everyone needs to see and hear about every burp, fart and smile etc......

She sounds like she's in an abusive relationship, sorry.

And doing her best to convince herself and everyone else that it's not.......

@mugglewump why on earth would the OP get her family member to look after a random toddler who has a parent well able to look after him? That’s mad

@mugglewump why should @ColinRobinsonsfamiliar become responsible for finding them a babysitter ? What a bizarre thing to suggest

YANBU however the husband and toddler will still come...

You are being reasonable. However, your friend with a toddler sounds like she is absolutely struggling.
She does make a lot of noise, annoys others - she needs love and care which she is not getting. The non-stop pictures, videos could be a cover-up of depression. She is being unreasonable - But when a person is depressed and angry, they cannot see through the 'woods'. They are stuck in a time warp of depression/being let down by her ex-partner.
He sounds like he does not care for her or his child. She has been abandoned by him -he has turned his back on both of them.

She clearly adores her child more than ever now and cannot see leave the toddler out. She could be afraid of leaving a toddler with someone while she is out. Think of what you all did when your children were babies.
If it were a lunch time event, she could leave the toddler in a creche.
A night out with friends who have grown children and do not want other children around, must be a challenge for her as it is not easy to get a good babysitter.
Perhaps arrange another event during lunch time/weekend. If you like her, do another event. Otherwise, this tension about dinner will break your friendship.

As a mum of 3 (one of whom is just 3 years old) I don't think you did anything wrong. Why on earth does she think adults want to entertain her toddler who is most likely over tired, grumpy at an adults only event. Personally I would cancel my space if a friend insisted on taking there toddler for me to coo over "i.e entertain and play with which I do not want to do while out with friends". Does the restaurant not have a policy of kids under a certain age must leave by a certain time? Most are 8 or 9pm were I stay.

I would cancel on principle if someone brought a toddler.

How can they be devoted to each other if he's lazy and selfish?

Op - I think you know there's more going on which is why you were so worried about offending her.

Perhaps it's time to start talking to your friend about what is normal in a relationship. You are all experienced parents and, assuming at least some of you are still with your DC's father, you all have experience that could ve relevant for her.

YABU for blaming it on the other friends. It was YOU who didn't want the toddler there, you should have owned that rather than speaking on behalf of the rest of the group.

I think good on you for telling her

Start booking places kids are either NEVER allowed into or just not after 8pm. That is madness.

This. Unbelievable!

How interested was she in your children growing up? Did she show as much interest back then?

This. Unbelievable really. She sounds like she is incapable of reading the room or stupid.

So basically he doesn't want to look after his kid. I'm a mum of 2 but even I am aware that there is nothing worse than boring people to death with photos and videos of them!! If people want to see a recent picture they will ask!! I bet he make your friend feel guilty for not bringing toddler as well. YANBU

I'd hand her a big glass of wine and take her phone off her and say. Right, tonight is for you to enjoy and just be you: let's get smashed' 😂

I obviously don't know her but this screams control and abuse to me.
Never giving her time on her own with her friends, making it hard for her to go out, not parenting properly himself.

Hell no, and all because her DH can’t be arsed to look after the bab. I would’ve just said 'no, sorry mate, this is for adults, not babbies. If you’ve got no one to have littlun then you’ll have to cancel.’

I mean, who would think their toddler would be welcome at an adult gathering? It’s kinda no wonder she doesn’t do much if she either thinks her child is that special or she’s such a doormat to her lazy useless husband. I mean, it’s a shame her husband is a lazy bastard, but she chooses to stay married to him.

Yanbu and what you said was perfectly reasonable. How can she possibly think it would be OK to bring a toddler to an adults only meal at 8pm at night????
Do the 2% who voted YABU think it's OK?