To have risked severely offending this friend by being truthful here?

[ColinRobinsonsfamiliar]

long awaited night out with great close group of friends. About 8 of us.
Planned a couple of months ago and finally got a date good for us all.8pm table booked.
The group is older, all with either grown up kids or older kids of our own.
One though has a toddler. She doesn’t get out at all really except with us.
She was telling me the other day that her (god damned useless/areshole) “D” H suggested she bring the toddler along to the meal as it’s been a while since some of us haven’t seen said toddler for a few months and must be missing him terribly.
It’s a bit of an issue normal as this friend tends to dominate things by insisting on passing round endless pictures of toddler and insisting we each look at the various films & pictures of the child.
I was really taken aback by this suggestion and said that I really really think it’s an adults only evening and would toddler not be in bed by 8pm? To which She said she would keep toddler awake so we could all see him for the meal.
To which I said that with all due respect, some of the group would not come if she brought the child along as it would change the dynamic of the evening that we had all been looking forward to for so long.
She just couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all, I couldn’t understand her pov at all either.
Believe me, 8 out of 8 of the others would not come if she brought the child cute as he is. They would cancel.
How would you have worded this??

This! And not even when it's a close relation to be fair, unless they're your actual children!

Actually, OP, reading your posts it definitely sounds like this man is controlling. That, however, is not your problem, and certainly not your responsibility to facilitate. Yeah, you can be her friend and support her, but that doesn’t extend to disrupting group nights out.

Good on you for saying something. No-one wants a toddler there

I would 100% cancel if I were one of the other friends.

No one wants a kid at an evening, adult affair.

I’d have said “really don’t think it’s suitable to bring ‘child’s name’ along.. especially not at 8pm! How about we meet up in the day another time to see them?”

her partner doesn't want to look after the child and thats why she is being obtrusive over your point of view

Clearly partner doesn't want to look after kid.
I knew someone like that- she missed half a farewell dinner arranged by her closest friends (she was moving away) because her husband insisted she did bedtime, as apparently their toddler didn't settle for him.
She was all dressed up and literally on the doorstep about to go when he summoned her and she ended up spending an hour and a half lying on a bedroom floor holding her toddler's hand.

Definitely abusive.

Not much devotion from his end if he doesn't lift a finger at home when his wife has health issues and chases her friends off when they visit.

I'm the outspoken one of our group so I'd have said get your lazy arsed dh to look after his child for once and you enjoy an evening out with us!

I think what you said was fine , I think you needed to be honest as without doubt she would have brought dc .
dh sounds a utter arsehole. Some people just can’t see it .

This. I eventually backed away from a very close friendship because of similar.

I really tried but it was never going to pan out. When XF’s son was about eight (and I had not seen her without him in all eight years, we were never into going out at night) I was helping her do her CV so she could go back to work and gently suggested that ‘I love spending time with my gorgeous son’ was maybe not the best thing to put on said document.

It went rapidly downhill from there, starting with ‘but even ten minutes away from him is ten minutes wasted’ and ending with ‘you don’t know what love is because you don’t have children’. Tbf I think we both knew it was over before this happened.

Sometimes you can see it coming but there’s nothing you can do. Is this happening with your friend and at least some of your ‘group’? Will this be the decider?

amended the booking to one adult plus child, and found a different restaurant for the rest of you?
TBF, if the friendship cools, probably no bad thing - either until the child grows up, she develops more self awareness or hell freezes over

Her ‘darling’ husband doesn’t want to watch his own child does she
and she knows it
it’s quite sad really
but no YANBU

I'd be absolutely furious if I was going on a child free, adult night out abs somebody else turned up with their child.

All the husband does is play games and watch Simpsons? It’s hardly difficult for him to look after the toddler, he’s home anyway carrying out low-energy, unproductive tasks. It’s not like he’s at work or something with conflicts with his childcare responsibilities

*which

YANBU.

When is the night out and please can you update us on how it goes? Will your friend come on her own or is she not willing or able to now?

I agree with those who have said she's possibly in an emotionally abusive relationship but you can't help her until she's ready to acknowledge this and seek help, so don't normalise her behaviour in the meantime.

I think the overwhelming opinion is that YADNBU......but I just had to come here to say I love your username!

I think you handled it just fine, OP, and if the OH/toddler turn up I'd advise that you all gently avoid engaging - any "But whys" afterwards can easily be handled by repeating that it just wasn't a suitable occasion and that she'd already been told this

The "not engaging" goes for 2 hour sessions of photo-sharing too. No need to cut her off rudely, but that needs curtailing - perhaps by saying you've got to leave instead of going into the house?

Thank you.
HUGE fan of what we do in the shadows, absolutely LOVE it!

Will update after the event x

This sounds like she doesn’t want to go back into the house or at least not on her own. Probably anticipating verbal abuse, questioning or harassment over her evening.

"We're like one big family here". 😄

You were fine. next time do bingo like someone else said or meet in a bar for drinks at 9pm so there is no faux confusion. Between that, the lateness and 2 hour counselling and Simpsons nothing the problem may be her.

I'd be interested to see how it goes the other way of you all made a point of inviting him to things like soft play- would he go and do some dadding while you had a catch up? Doubt it but if it's control thing it may help her see it or help see her 1:1

Most licensed premises don’t allow children after a certain time , check with the restaurant

It’s not just about your group it’s also the consideration of the other diners who may have paid a childminder/babysitter or arranged for friends or family to care for their children so they can go out and have a peaceful child free meal and evening. Having to put up with a toddler at a nearby table who may be boisterous, vocal or crying most likely because they are tired makes for an unpleasant evening.

Exactly!

She sounds a bit clueless about social situations.

Don't take it on as your own OP.

God. The poor woman can’t have an evening out with her friends child free because the dad can’t be arsed looking after their toddler. I feel really sorry for her.
I bet even she doesn’t want to take her toddler with her but is feeling forced to by her husband and is trying to convince you it’s a good idea.

Have you checked to see if she’s ok?