To have risked severely offending this friend by being truthful here?

[ColinRobinsonsfamiliar]

long awaited night out with great close group of friends. About 8 of us.
Planned a couple of months ago and finally got a date good for us all.8pm table booked.
The group is older, all with either grown up kids or older kids of our own.
One though has a toddler. She doesn’t get out at all really except with us.
She was telling me the other day that her (god damned useless/areshole) “D” H suggested she bring the toddler along to the meal as it’s been a while since some of us haven’t seen said toddler for a few months and must be missing him terribly.
It’s a bit of an issue normal as this friend tends to dominate things by insisting on passing round endless pictures of toddler and insisting we each look at the various films & pictures of the child.
I was really taken aback by this suggestion and said that I really really think it’s an adults only evening and would toddler not be in bed by 8pm? To which She said she would keep toddler awake so we could all see him for the meal.
To which I said that with all due respect, some of the group would not come if she brought the child along as it would change the dynamic of the evening that we had all been looking forward to for so long.
She just couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all, I couldn’t understand her pov at all either.
Believe me, 8 out of 8 of the others would not come if she brought the child cute as he is. They would cancel.
How would you have worded this??

The child will be miserable and tired anyway.

I feel sorry for her if that’s her life - still doesn’t mean YABU OP

Yep, I'd put money on it.

Maybe she is under pressure from her husband to take the toddler and doesn’t feel she can say no to him.

There could be a power imbalance in the relationship. Actually who am I kidding? If he’s the arsehole you say, then assume there’s way more happening behind closed doors than you can imagine.

I say this as an articulate, intelligent woman who is leaving an entitled bully after a very very long marriage. Even now I get panic attacks at the thought of displeasing him.

I don't think there is a more diplomatic way of telling her that she is out of order OP. The invitation needs to be rescinded if it hasn't been already. It sounds, unfortunately that she needs to be dropped from the friendship group which is a shame but she's just not on the same waveband.

TWO HOURS?! OP, I mean this nicely, but you need to grow a backbone. I mean, I know women are socially conditioned to be people pleasers, but that's taking it to the extreme end!

YANBU at all to tell her that the toddler isn't invited, and that you'll catch up with her another time if she can't come alone.

"I'm sorry friend, but I don't think that's the evening we all have in mind. If you'd rather sit this one out then we can arrange a catch up for lunch sometime with your toddler included? This is an adults evening meal."

But to be honest, it sounds like her homelife is a shit show. Does she acknowledge this? Or play dumb?

I'm sorry to say, that unless she acknowledges that he's controlling/lazy etc and this is why she needs to bring child, then I wouldn't have much time for her. It's one thing to reach out to friends for support, but another to ignorantly expect them to change plans for no good reason.

YANBU obviously but it does sound like she's an absolute doormat to her controlling partner.
I think you'll just have to be direct and say that if deadbeat dad can't look after his child for one night then she'll have to come to the next meet up instead.
Hard on her if she doesn't get out much but you can't let a very young child come to the restaurant on this occasion. Suggest a picnic in the park when the weather picks up.

Don’t think there is any abuse at all. They are kinda devoted to each other.
He is just lazy and selfish.

I do feel really bad for her. She is a sweet and kind person, not a nasty bone in her body. Circumstances have not been kind. She has changed to be unrecognisable due to certain circumstances which are not her fault not that of her partner. She needs her friends.

The reason I asked the initial question about my wording is because I wouldn’t say anything to hurt or upset her. Just wanted some reassurance that I was firm but fair when caught off guard.

I do understand that it's annoying having a toddler at a dinner but given the circumstances of the useless husband, I'd feel sorry for my friend and let her bring the child

You'd ruin an (expensive?) occasion for multiple people at the indirect behest of, and in service to, someone who's not there?

You'd privilege the DH of one friend over the enjoyment of everyone else? And collude in keeping up a child who plausibly wants to be in bed?

Is she very interested in your children? I’d be tempted to take that approach ie although we like your child, your children are only really truly interesting to the parents - just as she feels affectionate but not invested in the lives of your children etc

Well done OP for not just going along with it. I don’t think it could be friends any longer with someone so deluded!

And the 2 hours dropping her were off was like a counselling session! You know the kind of thing where there’s offloading and tears and pouring out of her heart. I could not have just cut her off and done one.

@Bunchymcbunchface
I’d have pointed out that ‘kids are like farts….you can just about stand your own’

Ha ha! I like this and have stashed it away for future use.

Is she entitled or is her H refusing to watch the baby and she’s embarrassed to admit that she can’t come unless she bring DC

You worded it perfectly. Push dinner later and meet first for a pre drink at a bar that will definitely not allow kids. It’s a bit devious but as long as the rest of the group wouldn’t mind then I’d strongly consider faking a mix up if you have to so 15 minutes before, oops just realised table is booked for 8.30, not 7.30 so let’s all meet at x cocktail bar opposite for a drink first.

YANBU

If I was 1 of the 8 guests I would buggar off home if a toddler arrived at my adult night out table.

I met up with a few friends before Christmas with my toddler but this was lunch time and they knew he would be with me. He was 15 months old and dad was at work and he had just napped though. If it was 8pm and in a restaurant I don't think I'd even consider going 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. The child will be running around the table no doubt and taking her attention away. No doubt he’ll be passed around whilst she tries to eat, just to entertain him. Nah, meet her for a
coffee in Costa. She needs to get her DH to man up and stay at home with their toddler or she needs to stay home.

Matilda142 · Today 14:11

Sounds like her husband has refused to babysit...

Looking after your own child isn't babysitting. He sounds like a spoiled, lazy arse.

She sounds rather socially clueless too tbh so bluntness might be the way forward

I would not attend a meal with a small child in attendance. Maybe a lunch or brunch but absolutely not a dinner. Most of my friends have kids too but we have an understanding that our few meet ups are adult only! She's being ridiculous and you were right to say it. If the dad's a lazy shit, then she needs to get a babysitter. It's not your problem.

Is she now clear OP that it's adults only?from your conversation it doesn't appear that she has actually acknowledged the kid is not invited.

If her DH does come with the kid I would bluntly say to him "girls night time for you a kid to go!" . Before the night out get a few of the others on board to back you up. She either stays with you or goes with him. That's on her.

Well done for telling her.