To ask what YOUR depression feels like?

[ConfusedmumUC]

It’s a very personal question, really appreciate any replies. It’s something I’ve battled with on and off for 20 years and I often wonder what the experiences of others are with it, I thought maybe here where it’s anonymous we could share without feeling judged and maybe even find we aren’t totally alone in it all.

I’ll go first.

My depression cycles, I can go many months functioning “normally” and making plans for my future, being sociable. When it hits it’s like I’m drowning and can last from a few days to a few months. I don’t want to see anyone, I feel numb to all interaction, the thought of having to spend time with people (even those I love) makes me want to crawl under the duvet and not get out. I’m always exhausted during these periods and feel very very bleak, like my mind and body are failing and I think it better I wasn’t here.

This is a great thread, thanks for posting. Much like yourselves, it's a combination of things.

Not wanting to get out of bed, leaving everything to the last minute and then being annoyed all day due to it. Counting down an acceptable time to go to bed. Doing the bare minimum house work wise, again then hating myself for it. It's a vicious circle. Not wanting to socialise or speak with people as I don't want to burden them, there's only so much people can say to help. I don't think people understand it until they've been through it, and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. I used to feel enormous guilt over not being as involved with my son as I should be, when in reality hes a happy wee boy.

I've been out of an abusive relationship for a few months now, and have come off my AD's and anxiety tablets. It's made me see a lot more clearly now, and I think that they masked DH behaviours so I was always able to justify it.

I know due to situations in the future I'll probably need them, but hopefully just short term.

I always worry (like others said) that I won't come out of a spell of it. I don't know how, but we always manage to eh

Massive indecision. Like I can stay in bed for hours because I can’t decide what to have for breakfast. No interest in other people. Don’t want to do anything, even things I really enjoy. Can’t leave the house on time. Everything is a huge struggle.

Not usually sad, just uninterested.

Like how I feel right now
Like I don't deserve my friends or family
Just empty

I feel very similar to this. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone. I have no interest in anything. When it starts, I feel self loathing and have intrusive thoughts. I don’t particularly want to die, I just want it to stop. Then, after a while, I feel nothing. Not happy, not sad. Just completely numb. I have no interest in doing anything. Not my hobby, not reading. I could watch a film from start to finish but wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about it. I have no interest in food or drink. All I want to do is just lay in bed and for everyone to leave me alone. Doing something as simple as brushing my teeth is akin to asking me to run up a mountain. This year hasn’t been my best and I’m working hard to recover. I’m on medication and I’m back at work. I’m starting to feel emotions again but anything I do is purely for the sake of appearances rather than because it’s what I should be doing on a daily basis.

Good question, I have chronic depression and anxiety and panic attacks, adhd too. Which is great. Trigger Warning

I can't function right now, I nearly KMS on Christmas Day, I am just in a pit of absolute self hatred and I can't see a way out. I started SH too, which I haven't done in over 10 years.

I just feel like a robot, the only emotion I feel is anger which I take out on myself, I can't remember the last time I showered or ate,my environment is disgusting but I don't know where to start.

Things have gotten worse over the past couple of years, I believe a hell of a lot of what's going on is hormonal, but it's like shouting into a void trying to get help. I was put on the pill, and it's helped a little but its not enough.

I genuinely think what is the point? I exist, I don't live, I just shut myself away and beat myself up. What is the point in that?

I have another Dr's appointment next week, so I'll see what's happening with that.

I hope everyone finds peace

I'm just marking my place so I remember to come back tomorrow. I'm too tired to explain how it feels now.

Sorry this is quite specific - but I had PND after a history of no mental illness (as far as
I know). For me, it felt like struggling to look forward to anything... dreading falling asleep as I would then wake up and have another day to get through. Wishing you all the best x

I either feel too much or don’t feel anything at all.
I have a constant wave of guilt hanging over me. I cancel plans all of time, everything feels really overwhelming and even making my son dinner seems sometimes like a massive chore.

Can't sleep
Feel like I'm suffocating
Literally shut down, almost catatonic if asked to make a decision
Cannot think or explain things
Avoid all contact with people outside my home

I literally use all my energy to be functional in front of my daughters and to not lose my job. Fortunately my unconscious competence in work keeps me afloat and the consequences if/when it fails are only on my reputation

Currently going through a particularly lengthy and tough bout because of a double bereavement this year. I can normally regain control in a reasonable time frame with enough of my support mechanisms but I've been in free fall for nearly a year now and I'm not sure if I'll ever be back in charge.

My greatest fear is letting my children down so every day I try again hoping today will be the day it starts to feel a tiny bit better.

Oh, and I feel like everyone would be happier if I wasn't here, but I can't face the guilt of doing anything like that
Constantly hoping something will happen to me to take that decision out of my hands

My depression comes on if my anxiety goes unmanaged for too long. Honestly, when it has happened it’s been kind of a relief (albeit a horrible, numb relief).

I feel blank, zero energy or motivation. Everything feels hopeless… but my mind stops racing and the panic attacks stop. I lose the feeling that I’m responsible for everything from my family’s happiness to natural disasters. I don’t have to follow rituals to keep anyone safe. Nothing matters so I’m not responsible for anything either.

Managing to go to work but finding everything outside of that overwhelming. I have a stressful job and have been studying alongside for 2 years which is draining in itself. Not feeling able to do anything on my days off because by the time they roll around I’m knackered - especially after working 7-8 days on the trot. Struggling to keep up with simple housework. Some days I just want to be able to hide and be left alone by the world.

Evening everyone.

I want to say thank you all again for your amazingly helpful, honest and caring responses on this thread. I have made a new dedicated Depression Support Thread for 2023 in the mental health topic, here’s the link:

Depression Support Thread 2023

My hope is this can be a dedicated thread for those suffering a bad spell, and a place where those having brighter days and feel up to it, can offer out a hand of support or a kind word.

🤍

My first warning sign that things are bad, is that I feel utterly Harassed. Prime example being this summer, it was first holiday in years due to covid and I hated every single minute, everything was an effort.
a burning rage about nothing.
feeling lost
feeling alone. Even though you have everyone you could ever need.
feeling something is missing but life really is perfect.
living life in a daze, like time is not real, terrible short memory.

I think there are more people living with depression than any of us could ever imagine. What went so wrong?

I thought I knew what it looked like. I didn't. Until it hit me like a ton of bricks aged 41. I have always been anxious but when I talked with others about their depression, I clearly never grasped what it truly felt like.

It's like, the end. It's questioning the point of absolutely everything. It's feeling numb to everything you ever loved to do and being in disbelief that you ever did do those things. It's feeling so hopeless for the future.

It's sitting, watching the world go by, knowing you should get up and join in but not having the means or desire to do so. Not even the simplest of things. Just sitting there, eyes glazed over.

And that's on a good day!

Feeling worthless, useless, a burden, I'd be better off dead.

The last one sticks. Feel failing my kids too.
I can't concentrate, jobs around house etc everything is overwhelming.

I just feel like I wish I was the only person on an island miles from anywhere with no phone or way of communicating. I feel like I'm in a black hole with a ton weight on my shoulders & wish that I could curl up in bed & be left alone, I don't sleep even though I take meds to help, I don't want to eat because I don't know what I want. I'm not capable of making the simplest decisions, even something like what I want for a meal or to drink, my brain is full of fog, I feel shattered, bad tempered & could fight with my shadow.

I happened to click on this link started reading and recognised so many things I do or have struggled with.

I've put this down to peri menopause, burn out and all kinds of things trying to understand why I've not seen or spoken to friends and simply don't care. No joy, can't even recall when I last laughed..

But what you've all described is so spot on, the heaviness, the staying in bed for days, saying I'm tired or sick but I simply just want to hide.

The waking up and thinking "oh not this again" that got me.. that's exactly the words.

Where do you all go from here? For help?

Like I'm dispassionately observing from elsewhere. Nothing matters. I feel empty apart from the voices constantly reminding me how worthless and pathetic and ugly I am. It's like watching some miserable movie in black and white with a monotonous soundtrack.

A cloak of loneliness and irritation. A cycle of comfort eating and self loathing. Writing huge to do lists and frustration that I cannot even empty the washing machine.
Hating the mess and disruption my family bring to my life but being desperate only to make them happy and keep them close.
To care very deeply how I look but to not even be bothered to wash my face some days.

It's like something gnawing on you. I am very good at hiding it though, but that's exhausting. Mine's much better now that I'm divorced from abusive ex.

I've suffered with depression for many years on and off. I'll have some times when I can get out and meet people and function almost normally, but other times it's so bad I don't want to get out of bed. There's no point in anything, I have no motivation to do anything, I sleep a lot during the day but can't sleep at night. I eat a lot of junk, but can't be bothered to cook. Don't shower or wash or clean my teeth. I ignore the phone or don't answer the door if someone knocks. I move from my bed to the sofa and back again, not getting dressed. I feel totally numb, don't know who I am really or what I want. I can't concentrate on the TV or a book.

So many have summed up how I feel too. I know I have anxiety but depression is new to me but looking back I've had symptoms for a while now.

Complete apathy. I just want everybody to leave me alone. I am only at peace when I'm alone and there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody talking to me. I cannot be arsed to cook and eat a lot of shit just to put something in my body. My intrusive thoughts overwhelm me and I become obsessed with things. At the minute I worry all the time my late teens are going to get murdered when they go out so I text them all night and can't settle until they're home.

I can't be arsed with my DH he just irritates me by opening his mouth. I stress that the neighbours can hear us talking (we live in a terrace) so I am as quiet as a mouse.

How do you all sustain relationships with your OHs? I feel like divorcing just so I can be left alone? It's so hard as he doesn't understand and has little empathy, the pull yourself together type. Gah it's so tough, Xmas has been awful and I'm glad it's nearly over.

Like a numb disconnected nothingness. Everything is a huge struggle. No ability to focus and I find myself unable to watch a tv program or read a book or cook a meal. Hours of the day don't register and days of the week etc just muddle into one.

I don't feel but when I do it's sadness, frustration, exhaustion. The only place I feel I need to be is in bed or run away.

I have to really push myself to do anything from getting washed, drink, eat or just move. I function on the surface and you'd never tell but underneath I'm cracking with the strain of existence. Eventually I start to feel again but it's the hardest bit. I have to wade through the anger and sadness to get to the other side.