To ask what YOUR depression feels like?

[ConfusedmumUC]

It’s a very personal question, really appreciate any replies. It’s something I’ve battled with on and off for 20 years and I often wonder what the experiences of others are with it, I thought maybe here where it’s anonymous we could share without feeling judged and maybe even find we aren’t totally alone in it all.

I’ll go first.

My depression cycles, I can go many months functioning “normally” and making plans for my future, being sociable. When it hits it’s like I’m drowning and can last from a few days to a few months. I don’t want to see anyone, I feel numb to all interaction, the thought of having to spend time with people (even those I love) makes me want to crawl under the duvet and not get out. I’m always exhausted during these periods and feel very very bleak, like my mind and body are failing and I think it better I wasn’t here.

I feel like I can just about get through my day job and that's it. I have nothing left to give. I can't make plans, because I can't see a future. I get out of bed every morning and walk the dog, but doing something fun just seems alien to me. I also feel completely lost. I'm functioning but without any joy. I also cry a lot. I don't have children because I also have anxiety, and thought having children would make me even more anxious.

"inability to anything" is such a good description of when my ADHD symptoms get worse. At the end of my cycle I'm just in a black hole and feel useless and hopeless.

I've never been diagnosed as depressed, but I can see that the unmanaged ADHD (only diagnosed fairly recently) has caused a lot of problems emotionally and psychologically for me.

My DH suffers from depression; he doesn't want to take meds and I know why. I try everything I can think of to be there for him when he gets ito really hating himself and talking about suicide. When he rages at me, there's nothing I can do but wait for it to pass - which it does in the end, maybe the next day. I give him all the patience I can muster, and listen to him for hours on end. But I feel bad I'm not being a good wife and not giving him what he needs.
Anyone got any thoughts on what else I could be doing? I'm totally exhausted myself and feel I'm starting to go under too.

It’s opening my eyes in the morning and thinking “oh no, this again”. My body goes very slow. My thoughts go slow. I realise dh or one of the dc is waiting for me to answer a question. It’s such an effort to find words. Sometimes I stop and get stuck in one place for hours. Once it happened in the garden and people came and went, spoke with me but nobody was aware. Then the cat shoved its head into my leg and I could move again.

And eventually I feel absolutely certain that everyone I love would be so much better off if I could only kill myself.

At the start of an episode I get so so SO tired.

getting out of bed is a monumental effort.

Staying clean is a nightmare- struggle to shower or do washing. Cannot keep house clean.

No interest in anything at all. Leave friends and family on read.

Poor short term memory. Can’t focus.

Time is distorted - some days feel like a week, sometimes a month passes in what seems like a few days.

My self esteem gets very low.

Feel like my senses are dulled- no sex drive / can’t taste or smell things/ no appetite. Forget to eat / drink.

It feels like hibernation? Sort of? It’s not like on the telly. Only thing I’ve seen that comes close is Lars Von Triers film called Melancholia

I feel a sense of dread and panic at the thought of not knowing how long an episode will last for me.

I feel hopeless and out of control but I try and tick the boxes of day to day living until it passes. I try my hardest not to hide away because that makes things worse for me. Distraction works best and I try and force myself to commit to things to escape my own head.

I also get homesick when I’m depressed, despite being at home. I get that aching gut feeling that I used to get as a child when I was missing my mum and desperate to be home.

Thank you to every single person who has posted here and been so kind to share their experiences so we can all learn a little and not feel so alone, I appreciate you so much.

@Theordinary Im interested in your question too, I worry my girls will know eventually. Sometimes when it’s very very bad I tell my eldest (she’s 6) that I have a bad migraine. I do get migraines anyway but I use it as a cover for the silent crying and going slow.

Walking through sand backwards.

@ConfusedmumUC youre not alone with depression.

So many people suffer / have suffered. People you would never have guessed.

Keep talking if it helps. Sending love.

Abnotfab, with your husband's depression I think it might help to remember that it's not your fault. You can listen to the rants and be there for him. Ultimately though, he has to find his own way through. Look after yourself and your own mental health. Talk to someone if you can. It's very isolating living with someone with mental health problems.

Summer baby pending, what you wrote about feeling homesick really struck me. The sadness of it, and the longing to be nurtured again like when you were a child. This thread is quite comforting in a way. Although it's sad to know how many of us suffer with depression, it's nice that there is an honesty on here that you often don't see in real life.

I really identify with “feeling of dread”
I feel numb , can’t taste food, feel as if I am dull and can’t escape and that everything else is functioning normally around me.
it’s awful.
I have felt like that for 3 or 4 days now .. feel slightly better because I made myself go long walk in cold today..

Desolate, trapped, unable to cope, raging. As though I will never enjoy life again, that everything is shit, and that I need to get away from everything and everyone. A lot of self pity and blaming others, being disappointed in my life, negatively comparing myself with friends and family, feeling I haven't met my potential, have made bad decisions and am generally crap.

im extremely tired, I find it hard to focus and I’m constantly overwhelmed by everything in my life, kids, work etc. I am regularly overcome by feelings of complete hopelessness while I’m trying to get on with day to day life. I have no interest in doing anything other then getting though the day so I can go to bed.

I've never been diagnosed with depression but I believe I was depressed as a teenager and on and off throughout my 20s. I have low moods now and again and have anxiety now in my 30s. I used to wake in the night feeling that something was wrong but not know what it was. And I would feel an almost physical crushing feeling on my chest. Sometimes it would be severe boredom and even when I was busy doing something I could never get into it.

SafeMove you have described it perfectly, this is me. So strange to see it written down. Not so much post menopause. I have never ever been diagnosed even though I suffered a terrible period of PND after my second child when I felt very alone and could not not connect with my dd. I was just expected to get on with it. The worst was the feeling on waking up, being distraught because I had another day to get through. I never forgave those who were cruel to me at this time and cut them out of my life which I believe helped me.

Not happened for just over a year, but absolute stomach turning dread on waking in the morning, which is normally at about 2a.m. Can't get anxious thoughts out of my head (ocd type thoughts that I have endangered people by doing trivial things like accidentally dropping paracetamol). No appetite and prolific sweating. Unable to control thoughts that everything is going to go wrong in cataclysmic way. Absolutely every waking moment feels like psychological torture and I am counting the minutes until I can take a sleeping pill, although this will give me about 2 hours sleep. I find that going to work actually helps, as I am forced to face actual reality and taken out of myself. When I'm out of this, I've realized that my normal way if being is bit more like the numb, can't be bothered feeling. I think I need to work on that!

Great thread, really interesting. I'm in the thick of a depressive episode now so struggle even to form the words to write how it makes me feel but what everyone has said so far resonates. Overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, despairing and, to be honest, scared that this time, it won't pass, even though I know it will. Mornings are worse for me, and the grind of the day is punctuated by spikes of anxiety, which is just as horrible as the depression, but different. Much love to everyone struggling with depression, it's so tough on everyone it touches ❤️

Why is this is in AIBU?

It's like I'm watching myself from the outside but appear to be functioning perfectly normally to the outside world .going through the motions doing what's expected of me . That was untill I was hit with severe pnd and ptsd in 2019 and the mask well and truly slipped I have been in therapy since wich has helped but I've still got a long way to go.

I can relate to that 😣

An emptiness that I'm continually searching for the answer for. I always function and a lot of it goes on inside my head. I self medicate when I'm really struggling, with unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I also suffer from anxiety which I can only explain as an ever present feeling of impending doom that I can't even put my feeling on.

Was much worse as a teen and has been managed for 22 years with medication.

I have bipolar so not sure if it exactly the same as unipolar depression.

But my body just shuts down. I can’t make decisions, I can’t move my limbs. I’ll lay in bed for weeks at a time just thinking about suicide. The self loathing gets so bad that I’m just awful to be around. I’m a crap mum and wife when I’m like that.

Just for traffic I guess? Sorry if it’s upset you, wasn’t my intention at all x

I’m so sorry you’re right in the middle of this right now. You really struck a chord with “maybe this time it won’t pass” I actually feel a bit sick reading it because that’s exactly where my head was at last time I hit a low. I was sure it wouldn’t go this time, it was really very scary. Sending you lots of love x