To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

That feels like a family problem not a ‘we haven’t given them grandchildren’ problem. I suspect even if you had your own children they’d still be an issue with how they treated you.

Your idea about going away for Christmas is an excellent one and congratulations for your big promotion. You deserve huge plaudits for your hard work paying off and I’m sorry you didn’t get that from your parents.

I'm sorry I can't agree with you irt the travel.

If you had kids you would understand how hard it is leaving the house just to go to the shops, let alone travelling across the country. They're all still under 3. That's still very young and in no way easier than having babies. If anything it's harder because you can't rely on them to fall asleep on the journey.

About the inheritance, that's your right. You shouldn't feel obliged to give it up to your nieces and nephews just because you may not need it.

Yes I think this is a family issue and one I would consider raising clearly with them. It may upset the apple cart but then you no longer spending time with the family will do the same but you won't have clearly articulated your reasons for doing so.

My DB doesn't have kids (yet, who knows) and is the most awesome uncle in the world. He does do more of the travel than us but that's primarily because he lives in shared accomodation and so can't put us up so it's expensive Airbnbs when we visit him, though we do still do that at least a few times a year. Your relationship to each other absolutely should be a shared endeavour.
My DM is the opposite and heaps praise on my DB for his uncle skills and none on me as a parent...families....

Sadly you are more invested in the dc than is appreciated.. Given the attitude of your family and YOUR money fingers crossed it isn't passed on to those lovely dc. Why not open bank accounts for when they turn 18 instead of putting yourself and your purse through further big trips? Face time the dc as they grow up and they may want proper visits without their dps.

YABU. There is no way your siblings with small children should trek across country to see you. That's ridiculous. However. I also think you trekking across country for a niece's 3rd birthday party (or whatever) is a bit daft too.

Also, it's dear for a family to get a room in a hotel and is more stressful. Your siblings should stay at the house imo.

Fair enough your parents could've sounded more interested in your promotion (congratulations), but maybe at their age they are more interested in grandkids than work stuff. Try not to take it to heart.

For those who clearly didn’t read the post properly, you’ll see that it’s clear that even as the kids get older they expect this arrangement will continue. At the moment we do this because they are small but it’s never even acknowledged that is quite clearly costs a small fortune. For travelling to see them on birthdays…it is expensive whenever we go to see them, should we not travel to see them at all because it’s ‘ridiculous’?

I understand the hurt here. I feel you should pull back a bit (make an effort for sure but on your own terms)

it’s horrible for them to talk of inheritance etc (so grabby actually)

if they are not proud of you for who you are be proud of yourself. I have kids but I certainly didn’t always think I would and achieved a lot and was valuable as a single woman as I am now as a married mother. make sure and treat yourself with your success

my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements

In what way, exactly? Is this just a ‘we were the odd ones out’ uncomfortable feeling, or anything concrete? For instance, when my DC were small and my SIL and DB didn’t have children (were TTC) they often felt a bit surplus to requirements, and it wouldn’t have mattered what I did. Although I was too busy being exhausted and run ragged by my DC to notice, perhaps - but even if I had I couldn’t have fixed it because it wasn’t really my fault.

Travel - you moved away from family, you’ll always travel up more. Much harder & more expensive to move/accommodate a family. I agree it feels unfair to you, though.

Wills - insensitive but not that out of line. If you’re not having children then you will want to consider who you leave your assets to, and presumably nieces and nephews might factor into that.

Christmas is a very kid-focused time when they are in the extended family. It just is, I’m afraid. Don’t let that take the shine off your promotion or on how you feel about your family in general. Try not to take personally something that probably isn’t personal at all. I’m sure your parents are proud of you too.

Invite them (as individual families) to come and visit you in SE. Make some plans and see what happens.

What do you want them to say? "This must've cost you a fortune to come visit us and stay in a hotel" What sort of acknowledgment are you looking for? I don't get it. If its too expensive, you'll have to tell them you can't afford to go.

I don't have kids and think YABU expecting them to stay in hotel. It's much easier for them to be at the main house with all the kids for all the stuff they need to bring with them and napping etc. I'd be happy to stay in hotel to make their life easier.

YANBU to feel hurt that all the attention revolves around the kids. The family should have made an effort to make you feel more valued. Congratulated you on your promo, thanked you for staying hotel etc

On another note..
It is annoying when the entire conversation revolves around kids . This happens at my PILs and they only have one grandkid, only met once, lives 1000s miles away . the conversation even revolves around other peoples kids eg cousins, family friends etc. It's demoralising for sure.. like there isn't anything else worth talking about in life

Can you accommodate a large family gathering where you live, OP? If not, then that’s why the large family gatherings will always be up in NE. It would be relatively unusual for a childless couple in SE to have a large enough house for everyone.

Wrt the cost, it definitely does feel upsetting that it’s you who bears it disproportionately with hotels etc but you either need to address that directly (‘I wish we could stay with you sometimes, Mum and Dad’) or just decide not to go as frequently on these occasions and see them at different times.

You set a precedent by doing it without contest from the beginning, and also:

"love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives."

You took it upon yourself to do this, no one out a gun to your head. Pull back if you're not happy but have the emotional maturity to realise you started this palaver. FYI the onus is always on the person that moved away to make the effort. Been there, done that.

The inheritance thing is awful, I wouldn't be happy either.

And no, it's not easy to shlepp anywhere with kids under 3. It's a fucking nightmare. So YABU there. You're also YABU to force your DH to shlepp along with you every time.

YABU, travelling with kids is always much harder than travelling as just an adult couple, no matter what age the kids are.

And your use of the word 'schlepping' instead of just 'travelling' makes it sound like a real hardship for you.

If that's the case, imagine travelling with children in tow?

Fucking hell, some of the comments on this thread illustrate just how many entitled, ‘it’s all about meeeee/ ussss’ parents there are out there.

As a parent, YANBU at all OP. Why the hell would you leave your inheritance from your parents to someone else’s kids?! Do child free people not want to do anything in life that involves money?

So rude to never offer you a room when your siblings and niece/ nephews all live down the road from your parents. Why can’t they go home at the end of the evening? At the very least it should alternate between them having a room and you and your husband having a room.

I think I would sit down and talk to your family and let them know how you feel, give them a chance to see how they’ve been making you feel.

Oh and I’d cut the effort down with the children too, if anyone comments, you can explain you’re reasoning.

Why are people thinking OP’s father suggested skipping her and giving her share of parents estate to the grandchildren? That’s not what was said:

my father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews

My estate = when OP dies, the estate she leaves behind.

Been in this position with family children, not so much siblings, oddly also in the NE, we are in the SE. I think given you’ve moved away, your family will of course expect you to travel as it is frankly easier than hoicking various kids round in the car for hours. Your parents are naturally going to focus on their grandchildren who they see regularly. It’s up to you how much of an effort you make to see/give gifts/time to the children. I think visiting for birthdays is OTT. Don’t feel guilty for missing birthdays, you have 3 dc to think about? Travelling up at least 3 times a year is more than enough, it doesn’t have to be on birthdays or at all.

Where does it say I force my husband on these trips? I’d say he comes on about half of these trips and it’s entirely at his choice. I also never at any point tried to suggest it was somehow harder for us to travel, it’s obviously not but that doesn’t mean its easy breezy either.

I vote take a step back and yeah do some holidays at Christmas. Unfortunately those who make the effort, often get taken for granted and have unreasonable expectations put on them. Clearly not realising round trips of 12-14 hours are rather draining!

I have been on both sides of this: the kind who does the running around (previously) but lm now pregnant with twins. The distinct vibe is my family aren’t going to be making much effort so come see us. Naively l thought it was their turn. Its not my turn though?! I am also taking a step back

Well done on your promotion and sorry about your families reaction. Theres a distinct whiff of sexism to your post. Having a child is a cause for massive celebration but a big hard earned promotion isn’t?!

This is a "you moved away" problem rather than a "you didn't have kids" problem imo. Even if you'd had a child, as the one who lives far away, they'd expect you to visit them.
Do you have extra bedrooms at your house so
that hotels don't become a necessity? If you live in London then your family may be interested in the sights down there- even if they live near another major city like Manchester.

It makes sense at Christmas for Christmas to be hosted where most of the people are. They really ought to have a room for you though if you're travelling a long way and other people are close by.

Equally driving long distances for a toddler's birthday party is entirely your choice. It's not something we expected any of our relatives to do. Part of living a long way from family is that you're not part of day to day life unless you travel.

It's a lot easier for a couple who live a long way from everyone to travel than it is for several families to leave the area they're in to all drive to the bottom of the country.

@PeekAtYou Manchester is in the N.W. though not NE?

Do your siblings live close to your parents or did they have to travel a long way too? If they live within an hour and you are 6 hours (or whatever)then you definitely should have been given a bedroom instead of them!

I have kids now but before I did my sister had two and I know exactly what you're talking about and I'm sorry because it is hurtful. It was like I had ceased to matter when the children arrived.

I dealt with this by focusing on my relationship with the kids and my sister separately from my parents or the family 'en masse'. That means that the kids are keen to see you anyway because they love you and as they get older it will be easier to travel to you.

Now I have kids my parents ignore me in favour of them so it's not really about you op - but I know from experience this behaviour is very hurtful. Focus on fostering your own relationships.

Both live within a hour away of my parents. We could put all except my parents up(we live more rurally (but still not too far from good transport links) so have a bit more space.

YABU if you expect young kids to stay in a hotel. It basically means the parents will have to leave at 7/8/9 pm to be with them. Plus naptimes can get awkward.

Its annoying that you have to pay extra for a hotel room while they don't but on the plus side, you might have a more comfortable, peaceful night without small children waking you up at 6am.

That was horrible that no one is interested in your promotion, I am sorry about that. Are your family generally not interested in talking about your work? They sound pretty boring if they only want to talk about kids.

I live far away from my family and have kids, and generally I have to travel to see them. They very rarely come to visit me. So its more about you moving away than anything.