To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

Any chances of DN's appearing on your DH's side?

I too think it might be more than just kids. Perhaps visit siblings and DN's outside of special occasions to get closer without it being a whole family get together.

I'm the only one with kids and my parents weren't really interested in me at all. I think they love me but don't like me or want to spend any time around me. I've pretty much stopped speaking at theirs as they are the same and even if they ask 'how are you' they are turning around before finishing. Mum actually has dementia now so it's just dad. The only good thing I did was provide them with grandchildren. Before that I wasn't called or visited etc and once they weren't newborns I was always going to them.

My sisters don't have much time but are clearly trying to build a relationship with my kids now which is nice for both sides but we live close by and it doesn't involve me.

My dad gave substantial help to my sister to buy a flat as she didn't have a partner and is leaving the house if he outlives mum to my other sister who also doesn't have a partner or children. He tried to tell me that I need to speak to them about writing their wills to my children and not leaving what he gave them to the dogs home. I told him he should give them the money or not but shouldn't ask these things.

I would definitely book a luxury break for next xmas and book it now so that there's less thinking on it and the family can get over it for a year. Stick with the comments that you are leaving everything to charity aswell as it may help your nieces and nephews follow your work ethic and not just sit back and wait for aunty to pop off

The idea that at Christmas, your parents, siblings and multiple small children should all travel to you, rather than you as two adults travel to them, is narcissistic in the extreme. It's just completely bizarre that it should even enter your thoughts for a moment. On what planet would that be reasonable?

So do your parents and siblings live close to each other? Sounds like you’re travelling to them both.

i know this might seem a long way away still, but as those kids get to teenagers it’ll be a different situation- teenagers mightn’t want to travel for Xmas as they want to hang out with mates not their grandparents and that’ll put pressure on parents to change their plans. Right now parents of small children are often all too glad to stay at parents as they get extra hands to look after small children. But that stage will change. As those kids get to 8,9,10 the parents may find it’s more hassle to up sticks to grandparents than to stay at home. Grandparents will also find teenagers less entertaining than small kids generally (ok, I know theyre exceptions but many teenagers aren’t exactly engaging 🤣🙄). Once they hit 18 they’ll be pretty much dictating they’re own plans.
play the long game here. 15/16 years or less of your parents enjoying their grandchildren especially at Xmas. After that they’ll be glad of your company and proper grown ups rather than sulky teens.

hang in there. It isn’t you personally. It is the pull of young children and your parents wanting to keep strong close relationships with your siblings to have access to those children

definitely for time being curtail your visit. Pop in for the day. Go do things you and partner would love to do. Be careful how much you invest financially and emotionally in these nieces and nephews. They will get older and they will dictate your relationship - that may be very close and very positive, but it may not be despite all your own efforts.

Just to add what others have said are your other siblings local and did you move away? If so that may rightly or wrongly be part off it too. We live in the north east and Dhs family in the deep south and we do about 75% of the travel which costs a fortune and we have 2 kids. We now dont go for every occasion but do for big important ones.

Again, for those who can’t be bothered to take in the information properly…at no point in my OP do I say I expect people to come to us at Xmas specifically. This Xmas gathering however happens to have been the point at which I’ve questioned how much effort we put in and given that we were made to feel like shit all holiday whether we should just do our own thing and pull back on other visits. That and the grabby hints that I’m somehow a future source of family cash.

Schlepping - it's a Yiddish word meaning a tedious journey (not necessarily a hardship) . But if that's how it feels to the OP then that's how it is for her.

And I agree, having little kids in tow would be a major fucking schlep 😞

As a childless auntie I've done my share of major fucking schlepping - on my own - to see my little nephews and nieces living in other continents. But as and when it suits me. I have to say though, I've never been made to feel extra to requirements. If that's how you're feeling OP I'd cut down on the visits.

Have you thought about meeting them if / when they go away on holiday? Drop into their holiday destination for a day or 2 then carry on with your own plans.

Dont join them for Christmas or offer to host. To be fair hosting is really expensive too - so the cost of your travel will be offset by that to some degree.

A few different issues here

1. if you moved away from everyone else then you will do more travelling and add to that long journeys worth small children are at best difficult- all this is just a reality.
2. parents of small children will need to be in the main house in order for them to nap during the day and go to bed etc. Again, just circumstance rather than preference.
3. children are needy so much effort will go into them especially when they are away from home or their normal routines. This can’t be avoided and doesn’t mean your family don’t care.
4. the comments implying you might change your mind you have every right to ask them to stop. You can’t control what people think (or wish for!) privately but they shouldn’t be saying that to you.

But why did you feel like shit? Because there was focus on the dc rather than your generation? I mean, that is just part of life. Unless there was enthusiastic interest in your siblings careers and lives outside being a parent then you were treated the same.

I think it can be hard if you choose not to have dc, because things in your family dynamic will change whether you want it to or not. But you can't choose for others not to pursue parenting and grandparenting.

My guess is that the enquiry about inheritance is to do with your dp's choice about their own wills - trying to work out whether, if they leave money to you, it will get passed down the family. Clearly this was handled badly and you don't have to share this.

We can take int he info you gave perfectly well. You are complaining that you travel to them for Xmas, family gatherings, birthdays etc......of course you do, they all live there. That is where the family gather, that is where they have Xmas abd birthdays and everything else.

You moved away, and you have an issue with paying to visit your family, and that they don't all come to you instead. It's bizarre that you would imagine they would.

They were more interested in their grandchildren than you, and weren't particulary interested in hearing in depth about your promotion...well guess what, its totallyh normal for grandparents to care more about their small grandkids at Xmas, which for most os all about children, tahn about your probably boring job.

They sound a bit crass about money but yes, you probably should go less as you don't seem to actually like them very much and you seem to resent spending the money to get there (which can hardly be a "small fortune" as you whine it is)

You don't seem to know what your issue is. You say you are so sad that you still want to be part of their lives without having kids, but then complian about having to go to them and how they don't give you enough attention. You're the one who wants to go less, make your mind up. Do you want to be included or not?

It sucks that your parents can't be happy for and interested in your achievements. That must hurt. Can you speak to them about how it makes you feel?

I disagree though about travel. Long train journeys / drives are quite lovely without children. They're a bloody nightmare with them. Plus you say that the day of the family are in the NE. Im generalising but salaries are higher in the SE, you don't have the expense of children, and your family are otherwise located nearby each other - I think it makes sense for you to travel to them.

When my brother had kids and I didn't, I felt exactly the same. Family gatherings were all about kids (especially Christmas). I suppose that's to be expected but I did feel very much like a spare part sometimes.

Without listing every pointed remark they made us feel shit but saying all of the usual shitty things that get said to people who don’t have kids. Just because we don’t want kids of our own doesn’t mean we don’t want to have good relationships with nieces and nephew and whoever else comes along in future. I also have the sort of parents who will be critical if we back off and don’t join in. To be clear, we spent every minute of the holiday pitching in with the kids and having fun with them.

Who moved away from the others?

My DP’s child-free brother and girlfriend travelled to us this year, joining our family for Christmas. They’re keen on us going to them
next year but it’s a no from us.

Doing a family Christmas takes years of trial and error to get it just how you like it, working around all the nuances and mini-responsibilities that a child-free couple would have no idea about.

The cost for travel for them is x2, for us it’s x5.

The cost of feeding us all is going to be shocking. Our guests have no idea how much we scrimped to make Christmas happen.

The amount of stuff we would have to pack would be ridiculous with 5 people’s gifts.

It would feel very strange for us as a family to be in a whole different house for Christmas.

Having 2 extra people in your home of 5 is a lot different to having 5 extra people in a home of 2.

Why is it not easy? Do you have mobility issues or a disability that make hopping on a train difficult?

I look back so fondly on lovely long train journeys pre DC. A book, sometimes a bottle of wine to share with travel companion, decent food to keep going... it was blissful and felt like the proper start of Christmas. Even driving isn't exactly tough when you're just adults and no not needs a wee / distracting / nappy changed every other minute.

Apologies for my wording on a child- free couple having no idea - I do mean this factually and not at all as a dig at you!

I think this is a 'you've moved away' issue rather than not had kids issue.

If you resent going up there and have a shit time then don't go.

Maybe you're siblings could come to see you in the summer for a holiday with the kids if they wanted to.

The talk of inheritance is out of order and a pretty shitty thing for your parents to bring up.

Congratulations on the promotion 👏🏻

Just to add some balance, it’s the absolute opposite in my family. Because I have children I am never invited to anything with my family as they like to sit in the pub for hours and hours. They assume I won’t come I guess. They are not at all interested in anything to do with the children, just my brother and cousin and their travelling and new jobs. Families can be strange.

oh and i live 5 mins from my parents and 30mins from everyone else!

Like a pp, I think that an element of this is you being the one that moved furthest away.

I find all this 'parents can't be the ones travelling' a bit ridiculous. Both my DH and SIL moved 2.5 hours away from my PILs after uni, and settled there. But we chose to travel to PILs because their home was the heart of the whole family and we loved being there. So from the first baby being a few weeks old, we, and my SIL and partner used to happily fill our cars with baby/kid stuff and head up there with PIL's grandkids, not just for Christmas but every six weeks or so.

It was by no means horrendous. We used to time it so they slept when they were little, and we all used to bunk down on mattresses, sofa cushions on the floor, or whatever we and the PILs could find, once the beds were occupied. Wonderful times.

Go abroad next year - solves all of this hassle.

Hugs to you OP, it sounds exhausting and tedious being around them. I get totally what you mean and how you feel.
( I think your point got slightly derailed a bit by the long emphasis on travel at the top, which people have focused on responding to, rather than the broader point about generally feeling excluded, taken for granted and taken advantage of).
Could you talk to your parents about how you feel?
x

You haven't even said one pointed remark from them, youre not helping yourself here at all.

So you spent every minute of the holiday having fun with the children, which is exactly what you want as you want to have good relatrionships with them...sounds great, really not seeing how your Xmas was so awful that you aren';t going back?
You really don't seem to know what your issue is here.