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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our family don’t care about us?

177 replies

Worldofwindows · 28/12/2022 10:11

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

OP posts:
2023yearofchange · 31/12/2022 00:03

Sorry maybe slightly off topic but my parents only see my husband and I fairly regularly because we have kids and they like being grandparents. Before we had kids we didn't see them very often. Some people love being grandparents and that's the be all and end all. I wouldn't be setting myself on fire for family members that were not engaging with me for me if that makes sense. Also the travelling sounds like a nightmare. Maybe you could just do it once a year for 3 or 4 days instead of lots of weekends? Sorry you are going through it OP.

2023yearofchange · 31/12/2022 00:06

Ps I should say I'm used to my parents loving being grandparents but it did hurt to begin wirh seeing the difference in effort for the kids as opposed to just us!! We are over it now and know it is good for the GPS ans the kids so accept things for how they are but on our terms.

Serenitymummy · 31/12/2022 00:10

BigPantsPam75 · 30/12/2022 23:12

Nonsense. As a parent living in the South East with family in the midlands and Scotland, you do what you need to do, sling them in the car and get to where you need to taking breaks as appropriate.

Show quote history

Thank you! I haven't read every comment here, but was going to say similar. I live near my dsis who has 3 dc, I have 1. My db has 2 dc. He lives in our hometown, ds and I moved away. We balance out the travel, but they probably come to us more because between us there's much more space for them to visit us. You do what you have to if you want to see them, very much as op has been doing.

Op, don't let them make you feel bad, you sound like a fantastic auntie to the 3 kids, and they will appreciate that as they get older. Regardless of their parents and grandparents.

Invite your relatives to come stay with you, one family at a time if need be, but put it on the table and be quite adamant that you'd love to host etc. My kid is 10 now, local nieces are teenagers and we've been doing the drive (300ish miles) for their whole lives. If they won't, they're being unreasonable. Would they travel for an event? For example did you get married in se? What if you plan a 40th birthday party, would they come?

Serenitymummy · 31/12/2022 00:12

Also, congratulations on your promotion!

santibaby · 31/12/2022 00:15

They should be just as interested in your life as your siblings and their kids. Put a bit of distance between you - they're unlikely to change and will just act all offended if you mention it. Their loss.

StClare101 · 31/12/2022 00:20

In my experience it’s much more effort to host than it is to travel.

The inheritance talk is gross though and good on you for shutting it down.

Goldbar · 31/12/2022 00:47

There seem to be a mix of issues here and for some YANBU and others YABU.

The inheritance thing is bizarre... I just don't get why they would even mention that, it's not like you're going to be popping off next week (or hopefully for many, many years!). Just none of their business. And they should make more effort to be welcoming and interested, given the effort you make to travel to see them and be involved with the children.

But YABU I'm afraid to equate your promotion to the grandchildren in terms of life achievements and expect equal interest. The two are entirely separate things. Children aren't personal "achievements" of their parents in the way that a promotion is. They are separate little people with whom the grandparents can have a bond independently of the parents. They are also just very much "there" and in need of constant input and attention from those around them. So they are "interactive" for your parents in a way that your promotion isn't, and as a result it's natural for your parents to be more interested (though ideally they would also show interest in your work).

Goldbar · 31/12/2022 00:51

santibaby · 31/12/2022 00:15

They should be just as interested in your life as your siblings and their kids. Put a bit of distance between you - they're unlikely to change and will just act all offended if you mention it. Their loss.

Why? They can't interact with the OP's promotion in the same way that they can interact with their grandchildren? The grandchildren aren't just extensions of their parents - they're additional family members with their own, separate relationship with their grandparents.

My2pence2day · 31/12/2022 01:11

You want to spend the time with your neices and nephews so I would focus on this and try to not let the adults put a dampner on things.

I was always the one putting in 90% when the others put in 10% because it was easier for me when I didn't have kids. I thought nothing of doing the majority of the travel, although the were always pleasant experiences so I didn't mind putting in all the effort. Most of the time I chose to stay in a hotel as it was nicer and more private for me and DH, we treated it like a mini-holiday.

SophieIsHereToday · 31/12/2022 01:11

Worldofwindows · 28/12/2022 10:11

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

About 3 years after my parents retired, they went from being very interested in my career and job news to not interested. Successes and promotions were not significant. It happened around the same time my grandparents died.

My grandparents were always exceptionally proud because they didn't get a chance to be educated beyond 12. So they liked to experience and share my successes.

My parents did well but like many boomers followed well structured career paths, with regular promotions in a linear career. They expect my career will follow this linear path and perhaps that's why successes are less celebrated now I have found a career. They felt it was their job to be invested whilst I found my way in my 20s but now think I'm just on a natural path.

I found it hard because I always had very strong support from 4 people:- parents and grandparents.

It faded through my 30s as their priorties changed from work to leisure.

I say this because it might not be their grandchildren that mean that are less interested in your career anymore. It happened to me and it wasn't related to children

Judgyjudgy · 31/12/2022 01:15

Congratulations on the promotion OP. I understand why you're annoyed, but most grandparents are so inlove with their grandchildren they become a little obsessed. My parents act like I don't even exist anymore! I would try not to let it bother me, it doenst mean they love you any less

Murdoch1949 · 31/12/2022 06:35

It is hard to feel an outsider in your family, treated differently to your siblings. You've forged a successful career, and feel your parents underappreciate your achievement, which is hard. It is something that won't change, no matter if you tackle your parents, I experienced this as the only graduate in my own family. The inheritance talk was shocking to me, you're only in your 30s and it's your money! So rude to suggest you leave everything to your nephew/nieces. I'd be tempted to distance myself for a while, go away at Christmas/New Year a deux, and have a fabulous time, posting presents for the children.

Kittenmitten22 · 31/12/2022 07:25

On the travel thing, it's a difficult one. We live down south and my dad lives in liverpool (the rest of my family live abroad!). We have 2 young kids and there is so much to think about. Time away from work, time away from nursery/school, the cost for 4 of us (not just the 2 of us) etc etc and a long drive with 2 young kids can be ruddy stressful. So they have come to us, much more than we go to them, but they understand that.

I feel though that your family are being unnecessarily harsh with everything else, and yes, they seem to be judging your choice to not have children and that's unfair. What you do with your life and money (especially your will!), is up to you, not them. They should be showing you how proud they are of your achievements also.

So you're not unreasonable for feeling that way, I would just ask you don't feel like that too much about the travel and kids getting first dibs at bedrooms, as it really is difficult and expensive when kids are involved. You shouldn't feel second rate because you don't have them yourself though.

Grumpycatsmum · 31/12/2022 07:44

If you've moved away and everyone else has stayed it seems reasonable that you should do the travelling. But obviously don't go if you don't want to.

Clearly it's up to you what you do with your inheritance.

IhearyouClemFandango · 31/12/2022 07:58

I know that my child free sister, and Aunt and Uncle have all left the bulk of their respective estates to my kids. They’d rather the kids they love benefitted than a charity.

LauraIAm · 31/12/2022 08:12

Hi @Worldofwindows I think the big issue is that your fam aren’t going to change, so you need to decide how you want to deal with them as they are not as you wish they would be. Two of your issues we also have in my fam, 1) most people live in one place one person somewhere else, the one person is not the childless one with us but does do most of the travel, so I think the travel thing is about where most of your fam is not that you don’t have kids; and 2) lack of interest in career, I think far fewer people are interested in and invested in their kids’ careers than their grandkids, not saying it’s right but it’s not unusual. So prob you will have to travel and they won’t be that interested in your career, what do you want to do under those circs? The bit I 100% agree with you is about the money - they’re greedy feckers - but maybe all the career talk is focusing them on money? Just a thought. Good luck 💐

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/12/2022 08:30

IhearyouClemFandango · 31/12/2022 07:58

I know that my child free sister, and Aunt and Uncle have all left the bulk of their respective estates to my kids. They’d rather the kids they love benefitted than a charity.

I'd initially made a will to that effect with young cousins as beneficiaries, but as the kids grew into adulthood, i wasn't impressed with their values and choices.

(Bigoted, low priority on education, etc.)

So based on that plus the usual second-class treatment of childfree middle-aged women, I amended the estate plan and it's now all going to elephant charities. Hope the relatives aren't counting on anything from me.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/12/2022 08:32

Kittenmitten22 · 31/12/2022 07:25

On the travel thing, it's a difficult one. We live down south and my dad lives in liverpool (the rest of my family live abroad!). We have 2 young kids and there is so much to think about. Time away from work, time away from nursery/school, the cost for 4 of us (not just the 2 of us) etc etc and a long drive with 2 young kids can be ruddy stressful. So they have come to us, much more than we go to them, but they understand that.

I feel though that your family are being unnecessarily harsh with everything else, and yes, they seem to be judging your choice to not have children and that's unfair. What you do with your life and money (especially your will!), is up to you, not them. They should be showing you how proud they are of your achievements also.

So you're not unreasonable for feeling that way, I would just ask you don't feel like that too much about the travel and kids getting first dibs at bedrooms, as it really is difficult and expensive when kids are involved. You shouldn't feel second rate because you don't have them yourself though.

But it's "difficult and expensive " due to voluntary choices. Why should everyone else sacrifice to compensate? No one is forced to have children.

ittakes2 · 31/12/2022 08:35

I think you have two issues:

  1. the travel and I am sorry but you are being daft on this one - even ignoring the whole kid issue if you are the only person living elsewhere would not make sense for everyone to travel to you. We have teen twins and my sister has three under 10 and we give her the spare rooms in my parents house every time while we stay in a nearby hotel and this is despite us travelling 24 hours to get home while my sister travels about 6 hours. And the children in your family are under three? No chance of anyone going anywhere and nor should there be.
  2. You are not wrong though about the unfair shift in balance - I would be bloody insulted if my parents suggested to me what I write my nieces and nephews in my will. I am not surprised you are hurt. You need to speak to your parents about it - and yes maybe take a lovely overseas holiday next Christmas and start of fresh with trying a family Christmas the following year.
Nosleepforthismum · 31/12/2022 09:07

Honestly, ignore some posters bleating about how impossible and hard it is to travel with young kids. It is hard but you just do it because it’s important if you want to have a relationship with family members further away. I have a child and my DB has one and we live about 4 hours from each other. Over the past 4 years we have gone to visit at least 3 times a year and they have visited once (for our wedding) and they very much have the attitude of that they couldn’t possibly travel for 4 hours to us because we didn’t understand what it was like to have a challenging, spirited child in the car for that amount of time. They seem to have to view that our DS is super placid and easy going but he’s just a normal kid that we try our best to manage on long journeys like loads of other parents. So, no I don’t think YABU to expect your family to make the occasional effort to visit you and I’d be pissed off with the “we have children and you don’t” vibe they are giving you.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/12/2022 09:19

Your DP's have made having a family the centre of their lifes and probably expected all their DC to do the same. All the snippy remarks you get are more to do with you being happily child free, they can't understand why. You make time for your DN and so they think surely you'll change your mind.
I've been child free all my life and some people will never understand why. Just stop worrying about it and enjoy your promotion and doing what you like with your own money. You're a big girl now and your DP's don't get to tell you off anymore

thesurrealist · 31/12/2022 09:21

I know that my child free sister, and Aunt and Uncle have all left the bulk of their respective estates to my kids. They’d rather the kids they love benefitted than a charity.

My siblings with children started making assumptions about what I was going to do with my estate. As I'm not keen on either of them or their offspring, I have no intention of any of the entitled fuckers getting their hands on anything of mine.
It's going to be shared between my childless brother and the local dog rescue charity.

santibaby · 31/12/2022 09:24

'Why? They can't interact with the OP's promotion in the same way that they can interact with their grandchildren? The grandchildren aren't just extensions of their parents - they're additional family members with their own, separate relationship with their grandparents.'

The point is the promotion is a big part of their own DAUGHTER'S LIFE. To not be interested in something that matters to your child (because you only care about the children who've given you grandchildren), is wrong.

OP you're getting another flavour of the self-centredness of some - kids can't be expected to travel and nothing is as interesting as their kids - ignore, many families do not operate like this!

Tandora · 31/12/2022 10:09

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/12/2022 08:32

But it's "difficult and expensive " due to voluntary choices. Why should everyone else sacrifice to compensate? No one is forced to have children.

Show quote history

That’s really not the point Zelda. It’s not about making everything equal in families- regardless of circumstances. It’s to each according to their needs. Old, young, disabled, sick , whatever- families take care of each other according to priority of need. The facts are that it’s much easier for OP and her partner to travel without small children.
On the other points the family sound completely awful though. The comment about her inheritance was bang out of order.

OutsideLookingOut · 31/12/2022 10:28

Congratulations on your promotion and on sticking your ground w.r.t inheritance!
Don’t go one year, host if you’d like even friends. Perhaps inadvertently by being a doting aunt you have given the impression your life is less worthwhile and you revolve around children anyway.