To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

I think you are being oversensitive small children always will dominate when they see around it's just what happens. It doesn't mean they don't care about you and travelling and staying in hotels will always be easier and cheaper for those who don't have children.
Having said that there is no obligation on to have Christmas with the family if the two of you want to go away just do it

Op my every sympathy- sounds shit.
Congratulations on your promotion 🎉

A bit of both. You do have to do the schlepping because you moved away. It's just the way it is & travelling with small people is a sodding nightmare so yabu there.

But it should be recognised & appreciated. Your parents should at least offer to pay for/book the hotel room.

Be prepared (and I hope I'm wrong) for your parents to exclude you from their will - as you don't need it as you don't have kids.

I would downplay any talk of your estate being left to nieces and nephews - I would even lie (as in oh we have loads of debt, won't be an estate type of chat)

It's beyond grabby & horrible. You and your partner spend every damm penny enjoying yourself life. Travel, theatre, fab clothes, hobbies etc

I would have a straightforward straight talking convo one on one with your parents, telling them how hurt, offended & unwanted you feel. You've really nothing to lose because at this point you're at tipping post anyway. May as well give it a go. They may not realise how shite they're being.

Good luck x

Doubtful. OP has said their money is earmarked for charity and spending on themselves. They’ll need it for their own old age care too, since they aren’t having children.

I must admit , I do find this travelling for birthdays odd- unless it's a one off and say a 60th and a huge family party. I would just limit it a bit and explain it's expensive to keep doing.

YABU on some aspects and YANBU on the other.

If your whole family all live in one location and you live in another then it obviously makes more sense for you to do the lions share of the travel because there’s multiple family units who would need to pack up and get to you. It’s basic logistics for you to go there. Not to mention, if you’re largely going there for DN’s “events” then they’ll obviously not be near you because they’d have their friends there too etc.

In my experience, no one cares that you’ve got a promotion, kids or not. Complimenting (and, more often, criticising) parenting happens because they’re actually watching your siblings parenting - not hearing from your siblings that they’re great at parenting. If your job were to be a swimmer or an actress and your parents actually watched you doing your job then I’m sure they’d gush over you. I assume your job isn’t spectator worthy so they don’t see it so they don’t really care what they hear from you about it - the same way your eyes would glaze over if your siblings started telling you how great they are at parenting. It’s nothing to do with having children or not or about having a career or not (or having both or having neither).

It was weird to bring up inheritance - you should shut that down. Probably with a “are you planning on killing me?” type response.

Agree with the comments about being actually good with children - just say you love children, just don’t want any of your own. They can’t argue, disagree or observe their way out of that.

Aside from that, before I had DCs, I was still able to recognise that children bring joy to Christmas in a way that adults just can’t. They believe in the magic of Christmas and they don’t see the stress or pressure or warfare that goes with it. I think anyone of sound mind would rather have children with them at Christmas (when they aren’t their own and so aren’t screaming) so I see where your parents are coming from - but your siblings are somewhat irrelevant too so they’re probably feeling similar to you.

YANBU to feel sad about this situation and your DH's suggested solution to go away next year seems like a nice one. You don't need to visit for every child's birthday either. Sounds like they are expecting you to do all the running because you already have been.

How about visiting your parents for a few days in the autumn and then each sibling in turn? That way, you could drop off early Christmas presents for the DC, no-one will expect you for Christmas and you will have spent time with them all. A "no, we won't be coming for Christmas as it is a lot of travel time when the weather isn't good" could be a reasonable thing to say that won't ruffle any feathers. (If you say it is expensive, it is hard to say that if you are then going away and if you say it is stressful, those with DC won't be sympathetic).

With regard to your parents' intrusive behaviour in your personal affairs; please set some boundaries here. They seem to be treating you like a child here. Tell them that you find other people discussing your affairs very nosey and vulgar and that they are no-one's business but your own. Repeat something firm to get your point across, perhaps along the lines of "my personal affairs are none of your business", "that's not your business", "I'm not answering that question", "I find your questions very intrusive and will not be answering", "I don't appreciate other people discussing my finances behind my back as they are no-one else's business" when questioned. Keep repeating until they realise there will not be an answer.

Lastly, congratulations on your promotion and I hope you celebrate the outcome of your hard work.

I think YANBU for how you feel and I’m sure there are lots of examples of how they treat you that you haven’t included.
The one thing I will say though is YABU on the travel and accommodation . It is a million times harder and more expensive to travel with children- a complete nightmare in fact. Even getting out the front door feels like a monumental struggle with little ones. I used to love to travel before I had kids. Now it’s hell. Lol. I think if you don’t have kids you can’t really appreciate how awful and hard it is.
otherwise YANBU xx

I think you miss the point somewhat....you're expected to travel to them because they all live in the same place, which is presumably where your grew up. You moved away. It costs you money to visit your family because you chose to live at the other end of the country. Expecting them all to come to you when they all conveniently libe in the same area is just bizarre.

I think this has become family habit - in my family, it's always been me (and my children) that travel to see everyone else because we moved further away too - nothing to do with having kids or not, just because one family travelling is better than 3.

I think if I tried to talk about my job most of my family would glaze over too TBH...

Although your mum does sound smitten with the kids, but then that's nice isn't it? Grandmothers who adore their grandchildren? As an adult, I'm happy to talk about other people's kids - TBH anything better than the weirdly anti-vax stance my dad seems to be taking around Covid these days!

If it doesn't work for you OP, don't go

op I hear you. I’ve tried really hard with studying and career etc and because my family aren’t ambitious and don’t value education, they couldn’t give a shit about my achievements and if I ever mention work however briefly I get told it’s ‘boring’ and nobody wants to talk about work. They have jobs that earn them enough to get by and I just think they can’t relate to actually liking your job or having a career if that makes sense?
Also, I have 3 dcs and am expected to travel up at my own cost despite them never visiting here. My sibling has 3 dds and they are all my parents talk about, even when we’re there.
I personally would just live your life and make your own traditions rather than playing second fiddle all of the time

Wow, that’s an appropriate user name. 😳

OP is it possible that your family sees your interests as being mainly about your career and your wealth more generally? If so, their questions are likely to be about these things.

Are there other aspects of your life that you prioritise and speak to them about.

Parent of 4 here and I think unfortunately they’re just ‘it’s all about the kids’ people- the kind who forget there’s life outside of children. I totally sympathise op. Congratulations so much on the promotion- no advice for you unfortunately- I unfortunately think it will only get worse

That is such an odd comment.

Yes OP, it sounds crap but as you can see from many of the replies from those who are parents here, they do think that everything should be about them and their children and everything and everyone else is irrelevant and lesser.

I'd be vastly reducing time spent with them.

Goodness, OP, I can't believe that people are siding with your family/ parents !!
And I say that as someone who had 5 kids under 10 and family living in different part of the country.
I think you sound AMAZING , so kind and interested in family even though you don't have your own kids.

If I were you I would spend all my money travelling . Head to a fab Austrian hotel for Christmas . Spend every cent you earn as your family are so obsessed by kids they think you should just hand over everything to them., even your hard earned money .

Tell them how you feel though, it might help.

I think the advice re: the inheritance talk is spot on. I’m couldn’t care less about my own parents estate, I suspect they would leave me out but I don’t need it. I’m aware I’m named as executor on both so it’s less work for my siblings/surviving parent when the time comes however 🤔

I think we will be taking a step back although I suspect we will come in for some criticism but it is what it is. My husband’s siblings are now coming onto maybe having their own kids in a few years so we can just say it’s not sustainable across the board.

Unfortunately when you have kids you can become completely tunnel visioned and only consider yourselves. I say this as a parent. I suspect the same is true when you become a grandparent.
I'm sorry you've been made to feel less important than your sibling with children. I'm sorry your promotion wasn't properly acknowledged.
I think your idea to go away for Christmas in future is a good one. You are entitled to enjoy your day as much as anyone else and making the perfectly valid choice to not have children doesn't change that.

You said you'd leave your estate to charity? Is this why they might have discussed leaving things to the kids instead? Are they trying to make sure the kids are sorted rather than for example a cats home? I'm not suggesting that either is right or wrong, I'm just asking is that why they have those views.

Why though is it always parents who are given the lower-stress options? Stress isn't healthy for childfree, either.

OP, the whole family has shown you that you are nothing more than second-class cash cows to them.

I'd be taking a step back, spending money on more fulfilling travel and not voluntarily giving up inheritance. Your life and choices are just as valuable as theirs.

I said I’d leave it to charity in response to being asked what I’d do with it when it was suggested I should leave it to nieces and nephew. I’ve never mentioned it before, I certainly wouldn’t discuss it with anyone other than my husband and solicitor and it’s not something I really have thought about before now. I’m late 30s so hoping it’s a very long time before it’s an issue. If they want to make sure the kids are sorted that isn’t for me to fix I’m afraid.

Good points here.

OP, they've overplayed their hand. Pull back and focus on enjoying yourselves.

Do you have kids?

Parents are given the lower stress options cos they're up at the crack of dawn, dealing with their children. It is stressful staying in one hotel room with kids in my experience.

In my family, my sister always used to make the effort to see us when we had small kids. There are 2 only years between us but I started having kids 12 years before she did.

Now her kids are small and mine are grown up, we do the majority of the travelling. It's swings and roundabouts.

Now her kids are small and mine are grown up, we do the majority of the travelling. It's swings and roundabouts.

It’s not swings and roundabouts if you don’t have kids, is it? It moves from it all being too difficult with little children to being too expensive when they get older to teenagers not wanting to go anywhere away from their friends. People without kids get a pretty raw deal in our society generally.

@Blossomtoes she is childfree by choice.

OP just doesn't like the fact her family are more interested in their grandkids than her now. I'm not saying it's right, but when you have kids there is no time for this sort of introspection that the OP is doing.

Its not about you OP. Don't take it to heart.