To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

Maybe separate the feelings about your parents attitude (all wrong!!) from your relationship with your nieces/ nephews. As they get older having a bond with them will be amazing. Just do the events you want to go to for now, and carry on tuning out your parents. When the kids are more able to travel invite the kids down for Easter/ half term breaks. You will get to be the cool aunt and uncle who takes them on great days out. Your siblings will get a break, and how can your parents complain about that?! At the moment your parents are all wrapped up in the joy of being grandparents but don't let this spoil your experience of being an aunt.

Not everyone wants to be this enmeshed. Especially the childfree by choice.

We don't go to visit my SIL very often, it's 3.5 hours drive away! Why do you need to go there all the time? Go on holiday or something instead.

No, but OP keeps insisting she does want to be, while simultaneously complaining about actually doing it.

Really got it in for me haven’t you @Pascor? It’s entirely possible for me to want to have a relationship with my nieces and nephew and enjoy spending time with them and yet still get annoyed that my family’s behaviour has taken the shine off of it. As for pointed comments, you seem like the type that would know a few but since you seem hell bent on examples, but a few that stick out - that I must not have any real feeling or meaning in my life, that I’m having such fun playing etc that I must feel I’m making a mistake, don’t I wish I was more maternal like DS/SIL…they don’t hold back my parents and fully go in. Try listening to that on repeat, plus grabby comments and it really starts to mess with your head.

I don't know you and couldn't possibly "have it in for you", but if that's how you react to your family, maybe that;s the issue.

Or maybe your parents are just total dicks, but then why not focus on that instead of the nonsense about travelling and spendiong money on train fares etc?

that I must not have any real feeling or meaning in my life, that I’m having such fun playing etc that I must feel I’m making a mistake, don’t I wish I was more maternal like DS/SIL…they don’t hold back my parents and fully go in

That’s the issue then. Not the travelling, or any of the rest. Tell them to shut up about it. Tell them they’re being really rude. If you are confident in your choices then you do not need to justify or explain yourself to them.

What's wrong with you?

I can’t believe people are telling you that you shouldn’t mind doing all the travelling 🙄

Fair enough if family don’t want to visit you but then your parents have no right to criticise you for ‘pulling back’, as you say OP.

I think you and DH are right to reconsider how much effort you make for these people, they sound quite self-centred.

As you can see even on MN there is an expectation that childless people make all the effort.

A child’s birthday is only a special event for the parents, you should not feel obliged to attend sprog’s party.

Now im not saying only mums should post on this site, but i do think its weird to say "even on MN". The clue is in the name.

A child’s birthday is only a special event for the parents, you should not feel obliged to attend sprog’s party
I think this bit is key.

If you move away from family then that means accepting you're not going to be involved in everything and/or it is a bigger trip if you choose to.

If you want to go to everything then you've got to suck up the travel because a child's birthday party/family gatherings when everyone lives close by isn't going to be planned elsewhere in the country just because some people moved away.

Alternatively you accept that for a number of events, you're unable to attend because you don't live closer.

This. What on earth is wrong with you.

I think the comment about inheritance is awful. A while ago I read Monica Dickens’s autobiography and she said that as a “spinster” her family assumed that her nieces and nephews would be quids in with inheritance. When she met a bloke on a plane and then adopted two children her family could barely conceal their dismay.

Adopting is quite extreme (!) but the OP may want to investigate the local dogs’ home’s finances and also plan to live a very long life…

You’re absolutely entitled to your views, but it is likely to seem very bizarre to a very emeshed family first mindset of person. It might seem like you’d rather throw your money away than support your wider family - which in turn may be viewed as disliking them ( could moving far away been seen this way too?).

I’m from a very large northern family and it’s unimaginable that money would be left outside the family and everyone was very in each other’s pockets growing up. Someone who held your views (however normal they may seem to many people) would be viewed as selfish, unloving and uninterested in the family.

Again, not saying those are ‘true’ but just culturally would be viewed in a certain way.

So you spent every minute of the holiday having fun with the children, which is exactly what you want as you want to have good relatrionships with them...sounds great, really not seeing how your Xmas was so awful that you aren';t going back? You really don't seem to know what your issue is here.

Probably a draining feeling of giving all your energy and everything and not getting much back I’m guesslng..not even a proper congratulation to the promotion. The comment about the expectation that perhaps op should let her nieces inherit her should she die, since she is not having any kids of her own, was likely adding to the feeling of not really counting anymore. Her own very private decision not counting. As if she would be selfish spending her own money on herself.

People may or may not agree, but op’s feelings are genuine and noone can take that away. Op I think next time don’t spend every minute with the kids, at least half it. It’s not all or nothing.

I think Ops parents are behaving badly here. Really they should be nurturing their kids as individuals instead of pushing the parental narrative, what if OP couldn’t actually have kids? We were last to have kids and spent many a year doing all the running around after siblings with kids but when we had kids of our own nothing changed.
In retrospect I’d not be so invested in nieces/nephews/family as it’s not been reciprocated. I’d focus on your new life down south with people who actually give a shit!

You moved away from your family, you need to do the bulk of the travelling. Not every single time you see them necessary, but definitely most. I say that as someone who also moved from the NE to the SE. It was my decision to move, so I need to do most of the travelling and bare most of the cost.

I think Ops parents are behaving badly here. Really they should be nurturing their kids as individuals

Yes. My baby and three year old granddaughters understandably drew everyone's focus this Christmas. But I tried to ensure that their child free aunt as partner weren't left out. I encouraged them to stay on after the GCs and their parents left, so we could have some quality grown up time together in the evening.

Congratulations on your promotion, OP!

With added responsibility at work and the cost of living rising it’s clearly time to start pulling back and keeping the number of visits down.

Also, perhaps time to think about spending more time and money on yourselves - some nice European breaks maybe?

Go away for Christmas next year and see if you like it. If you do, do that in future.

I'm very close to my aunties who are child free.

You can’t expect ageing parents to be as interested in your promotion as their own grandchildren. You’ve made your life choices but don’t then seek validation from your family. You’re ploughing your own furrow and probably are viewed as the black sheep. They’ll never give you what you expect from them. Accept this and then do your own thing. They won’t please you, you won’t please them. Accepting this will help you move on psychologically.

Nonsense. As a parent living in the South East with family in the midlands and Scotland, you do what you need to do, sling them in the car and get to where you need to taking breaks as appropriate.

If you can’t afford it, don’t go. If you can afford it, what are you complaining about? It makes sense for your siblings with young children to stay in the house, frankly the fact that you don’t appreciate that is because you don’t have children yourself.

The inheritance thing is completely out of line that should never have even been mentioned.