To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

This thread was a hard read, I’m glad the OP has chosen to not have children rather than unable or has lost children because some of the statements have been breath taking. Really hoping now one with fertility issues has read this and the value some put on a person reproductive abilities/choices.

YANBU. I wouldn’t bother visiting anymore - they clearly only value you for what you can give them rather than you as a person.

It’s horrible that they couldn’t even be happy for you after getting a big promotion. As pp have said I’d just enjoy your child free life and book the holiday at Christmas.

To be honest, even if someone has chosen not to have children, this thread is still a reminder about how little people with no children are thought of in this society.
Why on earth should someone be thought of as selfish and entitled to expect their own parents to show an interest in them and their lives, especially when their child has obviously travelled a long way to visit them.

I think you are desperately seeking your parents approval.

Grandparents being more interested in little people than a childs career is normal. Your career isn't a person and is something they only hear about via stories, they will probably never meet your boss for example. When I have left jobs in the past they seem less relevant in a year, if a child is lost - a year later the whole family is in pieces. So it's hard to compare your career to little people. Your life is as important to them as your siblings but your career is not as important as their grandchildren.

You should be proud of your promotion. You should do that because you value it. It will feel all the more empty if you are doing it for parental approval. Tough lesson to learn but it's part of you transitioning to bring a grown up

My parents couldn't care less about me and never have. I've moved right away because it made me so depressed and sad. The few times I went to their house my siblings and pictures of their kids were everywhere, there were none of me or my adult DS.
I don't go back there any more, I decided to live my own life completely and just not visit, ever. Its a 6 hour drive to them so good excuse not to visit.
I keep in touch with siblings and kids and other relatives and see them elsewhere but for my own sanity I have pretty much cut out people who treat me like this.

That’s sad but I’m glad you’ve done what you need to do to protect yourself from hurt.

How have your parents been since you stopped visiting?

They don't really say anything of worth to me, I get the odd very boring whatsapp usually about the garden but they never ever say we really miss you and want to see you or please come over for xmas, my big birthday was ignored last year so in my heart I know I have done the right thing to protect myself.

Re reading your posts op I get the impression your family feel entitled to your money for you having had the pleasure of enjoying their dc! Like pay per view! They really are real entitled fuckers. Adopt a cow /donkey /camel next birthday and send them the adoption paperwork! Set up accounts for the dc for when they hit 18 instead of annual cards /gifts..

This made me chuckle.

The sad reality is these cute, fascinating, joy-bringing kids turn into regular asshole adults with flaws and annoyances just like us 😆

I'm sorry that your family weren't interested in your promotion news. Congratulations. I wouldn't expect siblings with small children to travel far. However I also wouldn't expect you to attend any of those children's parties. I would just send a card and gift. Your parents have a valid point reacting wills.nits worth getting one drawn up. Discuss what you want to do with your estate after death. Do you want it to go to charity/charities or niece and nephews?

When you dont have kids there are people who wont bother with you as much - it is almost like they tell themselves they have nothing to talk to you about and make no effort to find anything you can discuss. I think you need to tell your parents clearly whaty they are doing.

To be honest I have the same feelings as you at times. I dont have kids, my brother has 4. I bought my first house in April and my dad hasn't been once, my grandparents only once. I live in the same village as them (my dad in the next but only 1mile away). They make effort to go to my brothers but not to mine. I haven't received anything for Christmas from my dad, when I saw him before Christmas he said he would ask his girlfriend to post it as we were going on holiday.

I always made the effort to go to my grandparents when I still lived at home. Granted I dont have the best relationship with my dad due to his partner. I decided enough is enough. I will go on their birthdays (even though my dad's partner posted my birthday card a week before my birthday and didn't see them). But that's it, I don't feel any pressure on myself anymore and my mental health has improved since making this decision

but it's part of you transitioning to bring a grown up

Seriously? So people who dont have children are not grown ups? What a nasty post.

Travelling - YABU. Unfortunately, it's one of those things you won't get without having children or being a nanny etc. Getting multiple young kids across the country is ridiculously hard. You're assuming they won't want to travel when the kids are older, why waste time assuming? I'm sure they'll love to use your location as a trip when the kids are older.

Inheritance - YANBU, it's a stupid idea of your dad's for you to surrender your inheritance. I wonder if he just got caught up in the kids a bit too much.

Attention - YABU. Christmas is about kids. Of course the focus would be on them and, relatedly, the parents.

Praise - YANBU, well done on the promotion! You deserve recognition of your hard work. However having been child-free and now with 3 young kids, I can tell you that being a parent is by far the hardest thing I've done. I go to work for a break. I find work much easier since having kids; it's nothing compared to the pressure and stress at home. So I wonder if your mum was trying to help your siblings confidence and give them a boost, rather than put you down. I have to say, I find work chat a bit dull, and I wonder if that's why your mum swiftly moved on.

Praise - YANBU, well done on the promotion! You deserve recognition of your hard work. However having been child-free and now with 3 young kids, I can tell you that being a parent is by far the hardest thing I've done. I go to work for a break

oh FFs. Having children is hardly an achievement like gaining a promotion!

@EmmaDilemma5 So if your three children don’t reproduce will they be less worthy and boring if they talk about careers and aspirations or as a parent would you strive to encourage your children whatever their circumstances.

We live down south and family are all in the NE

Of course you’ll be expected to do the vast majority of the travel. There are 2 of you down South, vs lots of others already living in the NE

I’m so sorry that you’ve both been left to feel this way by your parents and siblings. Children, especially at times such as Christmas and birthdays, become the focus of everyone’s time, attention and conversation. Everything else, i.e, you and your DH seems to pale into insignificance.

Book a lovely Christmas break next year, just the 2 of you and enjoy a romantic holiday together instead.

Unless you're near a theme park/ tourist attraction that they can save money by staying with you, you might find that you'll only likely to see family if you do the traveling elliing

😆😆

What a patronising post to someone who may be older than you.

Grow up.

You must have a shit job then, whereas OP has what sounds like a thriving career.

I think YAB a bit U.

It's often a question of logistics. Travelling with kids is a lot. It's also, generally, more expensive and people with kids, generally, have less disposable income. So while it may feel unfair, it makes sense that your siblings do not have to spend hours driving and get a hotel for 3/4 people down at yours. As they get older it is easier, but it's also more expensive. Also you are the one who lives far away (I assume you moved?).

I get it OP, my sisters are both seperated from their partners and have less money than we do. We all live in seperate countries, but me the furthest. @So although we all have kids, it's always my family that ends up doing the travelling/ booking accomodation so they can stay for free/ it's to suit their dates rather than ours (due to their custody arrangments for the kids) etc. It grates on me sometimes that it's always us who have to pay above the odds/ change our plans to suit theirs, in fact so much that I refused to travel this christmas as it was too expensive and the dates weren't convenient (which mean we would have had to leave DH at home). But I do accept that in the big picture they are much more restricted than we are, both in terms of money and flexibility, so unfortunately that's probably the way it's going to be for a while

I'm sorry you've been made to feel rubbish OP.

I think YANBU on the job/inheritance side - your dad was being monumentally insensitive with his comments about money and it's really poor that they're not interested in your promotion either (well done by the way!).

But I do think YABU about the travelling. If all your family live in one place then presumably it was you who chose to move away. Therefore why would they all travel to see you when you and DH can just take one car and drive up together?

Travelling long-distance with kids is a pain in the arse, especially when they're small. Multiple breaks for the toilet, children being car sick or arguing, nappy changes, fitting things around naps, all the extra stuff you need to back for them etc.

While I understand it's expensive and dull for you and DH, it's even more expensive for them and will be much more stressful with multiple young children in tow.

That said, if you don't want to go - just don't. Travelling several hours for a 3yo's birthday party is insane imo. Just stay home!

I think if you'd detailed the kind of comments your parents made in your original post, you'd have got rather different responses. Those were horrible remarks!