To think our family don’t care about us?

[Worldofwindows]

My DH and I don’t have kids and have chosen to remain child free. We do however have two nieces and a nephew all under 3 who we love very much and we are very proud to be their aunt and uncle. We are forever schlepping here there and everywhere at what is sometimes a big expense to make sure we are there for birthdays/family gatherings and other visits to make sure we are in their lives. We live down south and family are all in the NE so they are not close by so that we can see them more regularly.

This year my parents hosted Christmas with all grandkids in attendance. It was lovely to see the kids on Xmas day but my parents, and indeed at times my siblings made us feel like shit and surplus to requirements. It was also clear from various conversations that as the ones without kids, we should bear the brunt and cost of travelling to see them. As it was, we stayed locally elsewhere which cost a small fortune as siblings and kids had first dibs on room at the house.

I got a big promotion before Xmas that I have worked years for and my parents eyes literally glazed over as I told them. They could not stop gushing about what great parents my siblings have become as they put so much effort into it and this is for them the pinnacle of achievement. At one point, during a particularly random conversation about wills by father suggested I might consider leaving my estate to nieces and nephews pointing out that we own a house that it worth X amount and have reasonably well paid jobs. My mother for her part pointed out that I ‘actually’ looked very comfortable with the kids (I’m not a parent but that doesn’t make me a monster).

My husband and I focused all our energy on the kids and tried to tune it all out but we stewed all the way back home after. He suggested we now go away over Xmas and have the time to ourselves and think about how we go about spending time with them all in future. I don’t disagree with him but I feel very very sad that we are effectively second class citizens for not giving them more grandchildren. I’m also slightly annoyed at my siblings and the expectation that it will always be us shouldering the cost and travel time when it comes to seeing them. I do realise travel with small kids is no easy feat but I did expect that as they got older it would balance out a bit.

I’m so sad about this. We might not have kids but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to be a part of our families lives.

Why don't you suggest that you sleep in your siblings vacant house an hour away to save on hotel rooms?

I really feel for you OP. I have a child and currently pregnant and I am expected to do all the traveling. Husband allergic so its hotels if he comes too. I am beyond fed up, resentful and hurt that I just wouldn't see my family if I didn't make the effort. If it is not in their neck of the woods then am not going or travelling all day with overnight trip thrown in and expenses to top it.
Even when I do come up no one makes much notice anymore. Might get a message the day am leaving asking if I want to drop in. Which is annoying because that means going into a city instead of bypassing and adds hours to my journey time home.

Have made the decision to distance myself which is painful but I've had enough. One or two trips a year now to see the grandparents while they are still here and that is me. Painful for my child as she loves them so much.

I get the sense there is a family dynamic going on here that could still possibly arrise even if you did have children. Also some people just don't appreciate work success. Maybe it makes them feel insecure or uncomfortable. Makes them challenge and regret own career choices. So they prefer not to discuss your success. Having children is something they did so can be positive about it.

Congratulations on your promotion OP!

Congratulations on your promotion. My parents don't ask much about my life, just interested in my kids. That ironically made me sad.

In your situation, from the perspective of the sibling with kids, I'd be so appreciative of you travelling (for Christmas) but would insure your costs are no more than everyone else if you had to stay elsewhere. Either you get a room in the house, or contributions towards the hotel. I personally would start to miss some birthdays and set the expectations lower. You are child free by choice- enjoy the full implications of that. Leading me to- if I was child free, I'd holiday indulgently. Over Christmas, new year, whenever I chose. Don't self- impose the restrictions and complications of kids when you don't need to.

I love and work with small kids, but it sounds like everything is 100% about the kids when you meet up. It sounds exhaustlng and very boring tbh. Their children are not baby Jesus.

I love children ,but also Adults! Christmas seems to be child focused and some families take it to the extremes .I am sorry that your family dont seem interested in your promotion .They have a cheek asking about inheritances! I would perhaps make plans next year to see his family maybe /or a cottage somewhere nice.

It sounds like the celebration was focused around the family dc, which is pretty common tbh. It sounds a bit like you think that because you don't have dc that you should have equal focus to the dc? Or were your parents listening and valuing your siblings lives and work achievements outside parenting and just ignoring you? If that was the case, it is clearly shit, but if they were just focused on the dc I think that is reasonable.

Yeah, Christmas is kid focussed tbh.

Could you offer to host next year?

I sympathise OP. I'm also child free and have stopped seeing my family on Christmas day as I always had to travel and felt like a spare part. My cat is now my excuse not to go. The kids are older now but everything still revolves around them and my life is very much secondary to those with 'proper' families. They don't even ask after my partner and step children even though I've been with him nearly 5 years.

I think there’s a mix of issues here, which combined make you feel really shit, but it would probably take some sting out to break them down a bit?

Travel wise, I’m sure it’s annoying, but I do understand it from their side. It’s an absolute pain travelling with kids, even when they’re a bit older. If all your family live relatively close and you’re the other end of the country, it does seem to make more sense that you guys are travelling more. I’m sure yes, that can be frustrating for you, and it would be nice if it was reciprocated more, but I’d try and view this as a more practical annoyance if possible. Do you invite family to you? Maybe not all at once for big gatherings, but could you invite siblings and their kids to visit for holidays so they know it’s something you’d like to have happen? They may just be being thoughtless and not realise how much this upsets you.

in terms of the comments from your parents etc though, you’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m sure that really stings and must feel really shit. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Are you close enough to your parents or siblings to voice how you feel? It doesn’t have to be confrontational. But often people are thoughtless/selfish, especially with close family who they are used to treating in certain ways and putting in “boxes”, so it might be time for a conversation about how their actions and words make you feel. It’s okay to have your feelings and to tell people when they have upset you. If they don’t take things on board of course, then decide if you want to step back etc. If people’s actions are making you feel bad, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries to protect your feelings/visit less etc

I remember your feeling from before I had kids… I think before people have kids they are focussed on themselves, and don’t understand why the kids should always have first dibs, why eating needs to be at specific times, why there isn’t any fun for them etc.
once I had kids it all shifted… now I know that if the kids are happy, adults are happy.
There are many good reasons for them to stay with your parents… it’s hard entertaining kids who get up early and need food, parents like the adult company once kids have gone to bed, rather than lying g in a dark hotel room from, having children is expensive, the extra help from grandparents, the toys and equipment at grandparents’ house.
and as a parent with small children, sadly, a lot of brainpower is taken up with said small children.
you are still your parents’ child, but right now they are focussed on their shiny nee grandchildren.
so you are unlikely to be surplus to requirements- it is probably just that everyone is focussed on the kids. You feel like you are being overlooked because you don’t have any - when in reality all adults are overlooked - the focus is on the kids.
it’s nice that you make such an effort - but going away sounds nice!

Christmas is more special with children and your parents are obviously enjoying the grandchildren. It's hard having children and they probably remember that hence seeming to favour the others. In your situration, I probably wouldn't do Xmas with them regularly! I'd enjoy being child free and do something fun but visit parents throughout the year when they aren't inundated with grandchildren.

Yeah definitely stop doing Christmas with them regularly and enjoy the perks of being childfree by choice.

Asking about inheritances really stands out to me, it sounds very very strange and intrusive.. What did you reply op? Set boundaries because that’s not an ok thing to even bring up.

I said I was going to leave my estate to charity or spend it all on myself…I’m not normally speechless but that one stopped me in my tracks big time. I’m a bit worried that that is something that is being openly discussed given it was so casually mentioned.

My parents are generally quite intrusive. I’m asked all the time what my current salary is (in fact that was all they wanted to know re: promotion), what the house is now worth, how much we’ve spent on certain things. I usually just fudge an answer as I find it quite uncomfortable. It always feels a bit grabby. None of my family are struggling btw.

I feel your pain OP as had a similar situation with sibling and his children (though not with parents, which must be so hurtful). When my nephews were young we always travelled to them, as children could not be expected to go 25 miles in a car to visit us. When they got older, nothing changed and it has been hard to make a relationship with them - it was all my SIL's family that counted and we were sidelined - my DH and I are just irrelevant now to my nephews and it really hurts. No advice but a big hug in sympathy.

You don’t have to go up for everything birthday, you could just FaceTime. It’s a choice. My family are all over the place and certainly don’t meet up every time a cousin of mine has a birthday. Travelling with kids is a pain though.

The inheritance thing is bizarre, and nothing to do with anyone else.

The old ’Why do you ask?’ followed by an ’Oh, ok.’ and nothing more every single time op. It’s nothing to do with them, and it’s nothing to do with them what you want to spend your money on. Your nieces have their own parents for inheritence (or not) but it’s a shocking thing to lay that expectation on you. If it was said out loud it must have been discussed before.

Congrats on your promotion OP! What great news 🥳

Sorry for your treatment from your family, I'm also child free and I feel like no matter what I do I'll never reach "peak pride" from my parents unless I have children, despite having a successful career. No advice to give you I'm afraid but I love your idea about going away for Christmas

OP I agree. I think it has been openly discussed what you will do with your estate. If not by your siblings then definitely by your parents.

I mean you could have friends who have children who you or your husband are really close with and opt to leave it to them. I think it’s so rude for them to assume what you will do with it. It’s hopefully many many decades away for you!! And it is extremely grabby!

It does feel like your only worth is what finances you bring to the table. I know it’s hard but would distancing yourself from them be an idea now? Don’t attend every birthday. Next Christmas do something nice with your husband. Even staying at home alone with some good wine and food and just chill would be better than forking out a fortune for people who don’t seem to really care if you attend or not. (Also sounds like my idea of heaven)

You are missing the family you thought you had. Not the one you do have.

Maybe with the wisdom of their years they realise that family may be there for you on your deathbed, but your old boss certainly won’t!

We have children but we’ve always been the ones to have to do the travelling to everyone else and along with that, the extra expense. I won’t go into details here but now the children are all adults they are starting to see the expense shouldn’t always be down to us. Take it for now but maybe do as we did and as you are thinking and don’t always run up for family occasions.

It's what happens when you live far away. We are all in the NE and dbro2 is in Wales he travels up after Christmas albeit he does have kids but he wouldn't expect, my family dbro1s family and dps to trek down to their place it makes more sense for you to come if obviously that's a choice for you to make. You sound resentful of the grandchildren. Of course a family should have priority its alot harder to get a hotel for a family.

I sort of understand how you feel, but unfortunately if you are the one who moved away then it seems you will always be the one travelling back to see them.

DH moved 200 miles from his family to go to university and never returned home.
We have now been married almost 35 years and his parents visited us about 6 times over that period.
One of his siblings has only visited once for the wedding, despite numerous invites.

yes, but the promotion the OP's just achieved might pay for better care than the relatives clutching their calculators and IHT guidelines.