Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).
allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21
I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.
Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.
I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.
caringcarer · 28/12/2022 04:30
He should respect your grief. He should realise the only reason you have this money is because someone you loved died. Instead he can't wait to spend it for you. Don't marry him or he will end up with half. Take your time to decide what to do with it. Stick it in an ISA until you know you are ready to spend it. He sounds grabby. I would not be surprised if he proposed. I'd get rid of him. In future relationship you do not need to tell a person you have this money.
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/12/2022 04:32
Get rid ASAP.
Frankly why does he even know about the money? Keep your cards closer to the vest with the next guy.
I live below my means and let men assume I'm on the lower income scale, which is far from true. But it winnows out the chancers.
Sorry for your loss.
Itsthewhitehat · 28/12/2022 04:33
I am so sorry for your loss Op. I find it so awful when people see someone else’s inheritance as a windfall and something exciting. I bet all his ideas benefit him in some way.
I would be sick to my stomach if my Dp did this. It would be enough to end it for me.
HomeTheatreSystem · 28/12/2022 04:37
Tell him that whilst for him, the money represents a cold investment opportunity, for you the money only came to you because someone you love died and you are still grieving their loss. He therefore needs to stop being so insensitive in banging on about what could be done with money that has associations for you of loss and grief. It is your business alone and you'll do what you want with it in your own good time, regardless of any perceived monetary "loss" incurred by not investing it right now. You will ask for his input as and when you want it, until then the subject is not open for discussion.
LinesAndDot · 28/12/2022 04:37
They say give a person money or power and you will see what they are really like. Just watch with interest OP. This is the real side of your partner, and once you feel better able to deal with big decisions, you’ll have a lot of observations about him to consider.
Also the National Institute of Health and the Mayo Clinic suggest avoiding big decisions (financial and otherwise) whilst actively grieving the death of a loved one. Most bereavement counselors recommend a one year wait.
Also the probate process can take a few months or longer.
I suggest you rely on the above expert advice and tell him you don’t even want to talk about options for 6 months, as you want to make sensible financial decisions with the money and all the experts recommend that is better done once the grief process has lessened and you have some clear air and thinking time.
Again, his response will be telling.
thinking of you and your loss, OP. Money doesn’t mean a thing when you are missing someone so much it hurts.
Sunbird24 · 28/12/2022 04:48
God no. I’m very sorry for your loss OP, your partner sounds spectacularly insensitive. Even if at some point in the future you do decide that a rental property is the way you want to invest your inheritance, having his ex as a tenant would be a complete minefield.
As PP have said, put the money into an ISA or savings account, and tell him you’ll get to it when you’re ready, not before. Him going on about it instead of providing emotional support at such a hard time for you is really gross.
BoxOfCats · 28/12/2022 04:53
Sorry for your loss, OP. How horrible of him, I'm not surprised you reacted that way.
He is behaving selfishly, not caring at all how you might be feeling and only thinking of what he might gain from the situation. If he behaves like this when you are so in need of support, what kind of man is he? I know it's easy to say, but I couldn't stay in a relationship with this man. What else is a relationship for, if not to love and support one another?
Roundandnour · 28/12/2022 05:04
I would ask him wtaf is wrong with him. You’ve just lost someone and all he seems to care about is the money.
If you stick with him I would make it abundantly clear that when you decide you will spend it without any of his suggestions.
I would also turn down any idea of marrying this person.
Dustyblue · 28/12/2022 05:19
You were right to snap and tell him to get fucked. What a ridiculous suggestion!
You've known him for 22 years, but only been his partner for 2. Just as a little reverse- I've been with my partner 22 years and come into an inheritance 2 years ago. It was enough to pay off our joint mortgage, so I did that. Effectively giving 50% of my inheritance to my partner.
You are NOT in this situation. Put the money away and out of his hands until you've had time to work through your grief. Love to you X
FaazoHuyzeoSix · 28/12/2022 05:21
definitely get rid. nasty personality which has mostly stayed hidden during the early part of your relationship but the mask is slipping now. see how he is trying to control his ex for his own convenience. how unpleasant to have one's ex (or one's ex's new partner) as a landlord and required to live in a specific housein order to facilitate his lifestyle. his money-grabbing schemes aren't the only nasty thing about him. run a mile.
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