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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).

226 replies

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21

I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.

I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.

OP posts:
July70 · 28/12/2022 09:50

Lol, is he asking for a fiver, ten quid or a hundred - just give it to him if you love him

Naunet · 28/12/2022 09:50

Notanotherone6 · 28/12/2022 08:48

A house would be a sensible investment and why shouldn't a dad want to be near his kids? I don't think it's totally bonkers, but I'd buy in your name only.

And that’s the responsibility of a girlfriend of 2 years to fund, is it? Don’t be such a dick pandering fool.

Motherofalittledragon · 28/12/2022 09:51

Get rid of him immediately and definitely don't give any of the inheritance, he's a money grabbing parasite.

takeaflight · 28/12/2022 09:54

Go to Nationwide and put the money into a fixed rate bond for 1,2,3 years no withdrawals. That’s the end of the conversation.

gogohmm · 28/12/2022 09:55

He's being insensitive but if he's in financial services geez probably acutely aware that the money needs to be invested and he thinks he's helping you, if he normally not particularly sensitive to reading feelings?

Buying a house as an investment isn't the stupidest of ideas, and whilst it lacks sensitivity, knowing you can have a reliable tenant is a consideration. It's his timing that sucks.

MrsSprouse · 28/12/2022 09:57

I am sorry for your loss.

You are 100% right. He should be there for you in your time of grief, not making plans with YOUR money. Not to mention the house for the ex is completely out of order, I’m sure she doesn’t want you guys as her landlords and it would just strain relationships giving him the upper hand and control over her. Tell him how you feel and that you will make a decision for YOUR money and YOU are ready

SecretVictoria · 28/12/2022 10:02

Cheeky twat! He wants you to buy for a house for his ex. Yeah OK. More front than Southend.

nettie434 · 28/12/2022 10:03

I am very sorry for your loss Allegraldn. His suggestion would be bad, even if you had asked for his advice, because of the difficulties that would be created if there were any tenancy problems with his ex or if you decided to sell the property with his ex as a sitting tenant.

He comes across as really unsympathetic. As a partner, his role should be to support you, not to provide unasked for - and unsuitable - financial advice.

Soproudoflionesses · 28/12/2022 10:04

This would give me the ick, bigtime

IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2022 10:07

In a way it's lucky for you that he started with that ridiculous demand.
You now know that he will try every trick in the book to get his hands on your money and make it benefit him.

If you stay with him that is.

SunshineClouds1 · 28/12/2022 10:07

Sorry for your loss.

Get fucked is putting in lightly to me.

He does realise it's your money not his?

It would deffo put me off.

Zipps · 28/12/2022 10:09

I would get rid of him. Lots of red flags.
Btw my job is part finance, it is no guarantee that people are good with money.

SomethingOriginal2 · 28/12/2022 10:10

You've been together 2 years and he thinks he has a claim on your inheritance. He's behaving disgustingly. Clearly doesn't care that you've just lost a close loved one. He just sees it that he's cashed in. He has no right to suggest you do something to benefit him.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2022 10:11

Get rid. I’m sorry for your loss, @allegraldn All he should be doing right now is supporting you and allowing you to grieve.

drpet49 · 28/12/2022 10:11

lovelilies · 28/12/2022 04:25

I'd get rid of him. Money grabbing, selfish and totally disrespectful.
Do NOT give him any of your money

I’d be getting rid of him too

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 10:11

I’m so sorry for your bereavement.

Yours was exactly the right response. He’s disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to look at him again never mind shag him or live with him. Grim. Bin him off straight away, he’s not the person you thought he was.

Xenia · 28/12/2022 10:14

He is being ridiculous. Youa re not even married (make sure you don't marry as then he would genuinely potentially have a claim on the inheritance and your current home if you own onw, were you to split). If he ever does move into a home you own and you are not married make sure you have a solicitor draw up a co-habitation agreement for you to avoid any claims he might have to your house.

As for what to do with the money first of all don't rush - you are bereaved, there is no rush. Secondly if you already own a house pay off as much of the mortgage as you can with the moey. If don't own a house buy one with it in your name only and just for you to live in.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/12/2022 10:15

I’d tell him I’d rather burn the lot than use it to house his ex. And if he ever mentions your money again he can FO. Fair enough if it was a husband of 40 years, but a boyfriend of two years has no say in what you do with your money.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 28/12/2022 10:17

OP, I don't think you need any advice on what to do with this man. The title of this thread alone is wild.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2022 10:19

What a bizarre things to suggest, does he even realise that its your money and not his money?

My advice is to put the money in as high an interest account as you can find (many fixed bonds paying 4.5%) and sit on the money for 2 years

AdInfinitum12 · 28/12/2022 10:19

Ew that would give me the ick.

ConfusedmumUC · 28/12/2022 10:27

On the surface, it’s vile. I mean, really very cruel behaviour when you break it down.

The ONLY person I can think of in my life who might behave this way is on the spectrum, and it would NOT be coming from the same place as someone who is neurotypical. They have a very linear (and painfully clever) brain, everything is black and white and practical. There’s no malice, but it is hurtful sometimes when it feels like they are being cold.

So I suppose I’m asking if he is perhaps ND in any way? Or is he completely NT and this is just his shitty personality.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 28/12/2022 10:29

I’d dump his arse, even without the suggestion of buying a house for his fucking ex and their kid. Can’t stand people who obsess over money but it’s even worse when they’re obsessing over someone else’s money and how to spend it in a way that benefits themselves.

IrisCosyCottage · 28/12/2022 10:35

I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry your DP has shown such ugly sides to his personality ie ignoring your grief; assuming any influence on what you do with your inheritance; acting as though you need his advice; suggesting 'spending' it on a house for his ex to make his life easier. He's patronising, grabby and insensitive.

This is one of those statements I'd shine as much light on as possible to let him 'see' how out of order he is eg in front of him tell family/friends 'I'm still grieving and he's suggesting I spend all my inheritance on a house for his ex'.

Don't let him anywhere near your inheritance and don't rush to 'spend' it. (This is a rubbish time to buy a house anyway so his financial advice isn't even sound).

Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 10:36

He knows that he has to strike while the iron is hot, make hay while the sun is shining make the best use possible of this period while you are in a fog of grief to manipulate you into something that you would never do otherwise.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope we can help you to see through the fog.