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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).

226 replies

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21

I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.

I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 28/12/2022 07:08

Why is he even discussing ways you could spend your inheritance? Why does he think he has a claim on your money? Because he doesn't and I would make that very clear.

In fact I'd just show him the door. Insensitive, money grabbing prick.

callthemidwifepoplar · 28/12/2022 07:09

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Personally I’d give him one last chance. Tell him how inappropriate and upsetting you find it that he keeps talking about the money and that you want it to stop. After that, if he brings it up again I would just end it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/12/2022 07:10

Get rid.

geonosis · 28/12/2022 07:12

That would be ‘your bags are at the front door’ moment. Cheek!

MeridianB · 28/12/2022 07:15

This would be appalling behaviour even if the money had come from a distant relative you barely knew. But as you’re grieving, it so much worse.

As they say on MN, ‘he has shown you who he is’. He’s happy to openly talk about spending your money as if it’s own, even to the point of buying a house for his family to make his life easier. Just no.

I’d be saying goodbye to him over this.

Twiglets1 · 28/12/2022 07:17

Have a very real conversation with him. Be honest about how his obsession with your inheritance is making you feel. Put it in a high interest savings account for now while you are not ready to make big financial decisions. And tell him it is staying there while you are grieving.
If he lacks sensitivity at this point, you may wish to separate from him.

daisychain01 · 28/12/2022 07:20

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:24

(If it wasn't clear, the house would be for them to live in - not in her name!)

The detail of his suggestion matters not.

He's showing you who he is. How disappointing that you've known each other for 22 years and he shows you his grabby side now. That must feel like a massive betrayal.

If you're only seeing each other, you'd be better off calling time now, you've seen the biggest red flag flapping so he's done you a favour.

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2022 07:20

Hell no. His eyes are alight because you have some money which he can't wait to spend. Is he showing you any emotional support whatsoever?
I'd be showing him the door.

Brokendaughter · 28/12/2022 07:20

Your inheritance is burning a hole in his brain & I would see it as a massive red flag.
It has absolutely nothing to do with him, or his ex & his kids.

There is zero benefit to you in letting out a property to his ex, just plenty of potential complications.
What happens if she doesn't pay the rent, or you two split up, or she/his kids damage the property?
How about when she objects to the rent going up (if she even wanted to live in it) or if she doesn't want to move out after her kids have grown up if she can't afford the rent?
No disrespect to the woman, but she is not your ex, and would likely see this as coming from him.

If that is something he wants to save up his own funds & do, then that's his business, but personally I'd steer clear & find it probably enough to signal the end of a relationship.

Santancrap · 28/12/2022 07:23

How dare he!
one word - bye!

My deepest sympathies on your loss too OP
xx

FOJN · 28/12/2022 07:26

He doesn't seem to realise it's YOUR inheritance not HIS. There is no way I would agree to his suggestion. Put your money in a saving account and decide what you want to do with it when you feel ready.

I'm sure you don't needed the added hurt of his behaviour on top of grief so he needs to go.

Pipsquiggle · 28/12/2022 07:27

He is a dickhead.

He sounds like he hasn't noticed your 'all-consuming' grief and won't give you time to process what you have been through.

Sorry for your loss x

maddening · 28/12/2022 07:27

I would be questioning the relationship for sure, he really has shown an unpleasant side, have you told him that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable?

TheYummyPatler · 28/12/2022 07:31

I agree with everyone else on how this has brought to light unpleasant aspects of his character.

I also think that the suggestion that you buy a house so that he can have his ex and their children nearby troubling. There’s no reason to imagine that his ex is going to want to live in a house bought and chosen by her ex’s GF and to suit his specifications. This is a plan thought up by someone who thinks other people are just pieces in his game, for him to arrange as they like. He gets to control everything.

Money grabbing and weirdly controlling are two signs that this may not be the best relationship partner. Knowing someone for a couple of decades doesn’t mean you really know them, in the way that you now do.

Take your time and grieve. Then, when you are ready, chose what you’d like to do with your inheritance.

taurussally · 28/12/2022 07:33

As the saying goes when someone shows you their true colours believe them.

He may have been a friend but he's definitely not your partner. He's an opportunistic parasite who has probably been thinking of how he may luck into the money since you got together. Why were you only friends for so long? Wouldn't trust this man for a millisecond.

FabFitFifties · 28/12/2022 07:33

Biggest red flag slapping you in the face - end it, and be clear why.

astralpiano · 28/12/2022 07:34

Leave him

Money shows people's true colours

Dorisisfreezing · 28/12/2022 07:37

This is Mansplaining at a very high level.
He probably thinks you should be so grateful for him organising your finances.
He takes over and you don't have to worry your pretty little head about it any more.
You will then have so much more time for him.
Do tell him to depart, please.

Badger1970 · 28/12/2022 07:37

If he loved you, he'd be supporting you through the grief and not suggesting how you invest the money. I think I'd give him one clear warning that you're not ready to discuss it again, and if and when you are, you're capable of asking for his advice.

If he does bring it up again, there's your answer.

CrunchyCarrot · 28/12/2022 07:37

Goodness. Money really does turn some people's heads doesn't it! I'm afraid that would be relationship over for me. Definitely put the money in a savings account for the time being so you can grieve and clear your head.

Sorry you are having to deal with this whilst grieving.

RealBecca · 28/12/2022 07:38

Everything everyone else has said. What was he like in the 22 years youve known him? Does he pay good maintenance to his ex or the bare minimum? Is he saving toward anything?

Sounds grabby and like he is out for himself rather than thinking about how you could spend the money to help yourself. Or even ignoring it as its nothing to do with him. Be pleased you arent married to him as he sounds like he would be a nightmare to divorce.

Bestcatmum · 28/12/2022 07:39

OMG what a CF. That's a veritable red flag forest.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 07:41

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:24

(If it wasn't clear, the house would be for them to live in - not in her name!)

As if you need to ask, he is clearly using you. Dump and block him

Oblomov22 · 28/12/2022 07:41

To even suggest such a thing is shocking. What a twat.

BastardtheCat · 28/12/2022 07:42

Take your time to grieve OP. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

I'd be very uncomfortable with this man - knowing how much he thinks about money that doesn't belong to him. Trying to control 2 women to suit him.

Take your own time to grieve. Bank the funds. Financial decisions shouldn't be made in times of distress.