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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).

226 replies

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21

I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.

I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.

OP posts:
StClare101 · 28/12/2022 05:25

Im glad you told him to get fucked. Personally I’d dump him immediately because I’d find him deeply unattractive after that. Blergh.

Virginiaplain · 28/12/2022 05:29

Never ‘give’ a house to anyone to live in. They won’t care or respect it if it’s a gift.

Gruffalo101 · 28/12/2022 05:32

My 2 sisters has been married to their respective husbands for 25 and 40 years. As siblings we inherited some money . Neither of their husbands interfered in the process or outcome of the settlement. Both of my sisters held the money individually although some was used for mutual benefit. Both husbands respected the final decision making to my sisters.

I dont know what your personal circumstances are but if this person is living in your home I would make sure your finances are secured from any possibility that he could benefit from your finances should there be a split. He sounds like an opportunist and a chancer, sorry. Beggars belief and not to mention very very very insensitive .

23mum · 28/12/2022 05:34

Eh?? Sack him off

notsorich · 28/12/2022 05:36

Echoing what other posters have said. You've clearly lost someone very close to you, and as such, it's hard for you to spend any of your inheritance as it's money you only received because someone so special died. Rather than support you through this all-consuming grief, he's thinking of ways to make his life better and spend your money for you.

I'd chuck him for this, too. It would (rightly) give me the full on ick and I don't think there would be any recovery from that.

You had the correct initial response, OP. Time for the correct follow up response of 'get out of my house.'

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry that someone you trusted for over two decades revealed himself to be this selfish and moneygrabbing.

LocSeeTan · 28/12/2022 05:41

Your inheritance should be invested in an investment portfolio and hopefully accruing interest in the long term.

It was gifted to you to afford you a more comfortable lifestyle .
If your boyfriend wants to buy a property in which to house his ex and their children he can apply for a mortgage like everyone else.

Ihavenodesiretobequotedinthepaperthankyouvmuch · 28/12/2022 05:41

I just bet he has lots of suggestions of how to spend your inheritance- any of the other particularly benefit him?

interestingly though, you do refer to it as ‘the’ money rather than ‘my’ money. Perhaps he needs to hear you lay claim to it as yours?

notsorich · 28/12/2022 05:51

LocSeeTan · 28/12/2022 05:41

Your inheritance should be invested in an investment portfolio and hopefully accruing interest in the long term.

It was gifted to you to afford you a more comfortable lifestyle .
If your boyfriend wants to buy a property in which to house his ex and their children he can apply for a mortgage like everyone else.

Yes, adding to this - I bet the person who left you the money didn't intend for it to benefit your partner or his ex. It was for you.

Whenever you're able to bring yourself to spend the money, it should be on something that enhances your life. Try not to feel guilty at how the money was acquired and instead view spending the money on you as honouring your loved one's final request to do something nice for you. It was left to you for a reason, and that reason was love for you.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2022 06:06

He’s really showing his true colours now; you’ve seen how mercenary he is

Be glad you’re not married

UniversalAunt · 28/12/2022 06:18

So, somehow he expects his ex to uproot, relocate herself & the children to relocate to a house - for his convenience - that is completely owned by a private landlord (i.e. you) who is shagging her ex/father of her children.

Hmmmm.

SHNBV · 28/12/2022 06:19

There was no will but I will shortly be coming into a large inheritance. My husband of three years hasn’t once asked what his share will be.

Hie grabbiness may be learnt behaviour. When you explain the money is yours and you will be putting it in savings for a while before you make any big decision his reaction should tell you everything you need to know

TheCallOfTheMild · 28/12/2022 06:20

You've been "seeing" him for 2 years. Do you live together, as that sounds more like dating, and if so did he move into your property? And what's with the "he's suggesting we buy" a property. It's your inheritance not his and you're not even married. I've been married for decades but would never presume to claim half of any inheritance my husband might receive.

A sniff of money really does bring out people's true character. I'd be very wary if I were you.

serenaisaknobhead · 28/12/2022 06:27

Time to say bye.

PayPennies · 28/12/2022 06:31

The question is -

What would your parent/relative who left you the inheritance advice? If you approached them with this dilemma what would they suggest you do? What would make them happy is another way of thinking about it - but primarily - what would their counsel for you be?.

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2022 06:35

No fricking way

I agree this would be incredibly off-putting. Has he done anything to support you emotionally as you grieve?

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2022 06:43

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:24

(If it wasn't clear, the house would be for them to live in - not in her name!)

Your instinctive response was the correct one.

Tell him to "get fcked again in case he didn't hear the first time.

a) You are in deep grief (so don't make ANY decisions until you can think clearly). If he is aware of this he is trying to take advantage - if he isn't aware he is emotionally blind. You don't need either in your life.

b) This is YOUR inheritance - not his. He doesn't get to suggest how you spend/invest it.

c) In practical terms, even if property is a practical investment for you, getting his wife and child out if you ever needed to (and you would need to one day) could prove a nightmare - legally and emotionally

d) Who the hell does he think he is!? Let HIM provide for his family - this isn't your responsibility.

Stick to your guns here - in fact, re-load and fire him as far away as you can.

What a cheek!

Aixellency · 28/12/2022 06:43

If this is not the proposal for a novel, @allegraldn, I am

a) sorry for your loss

b) concerned for your personal safety.

I hope you have your own Will (leaving him nothing significant) safely lodged away from his prying eyes. He sounds like a man who already has whole notebooks full of his attempts at your signature …

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2022 06:47

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 28/12/2022 05:21

definitely get rid. nasty personality which has mostly stayed hidden during the early part of your relationship but the mask is slipping now. see how he is trying to control his ex for his own convenience. how unpleasant to have one's ex (or one's ex's new partner) as a landlord and required to live in a specific housein order to facilitate his lifestyle. his money-grabbing schemes aren't the only nasty thing about him. run a mile.

TBH, I was so angry t him trying to control the OP's finances that it hadn't even enter my head that he was also wanting to control the narrative with regard to his wife and child - but you're right. He's dangerous.

MyEasterEggs · 28/12/2022 06:48

Been with my partner 17 years and neither of us has interfered with assets or inheritance. We may have had opinions on how best to manage money but that was part of discussions and not down to one or the other being grabby. It sounds so selfish and not what I’d expect while you’re grieving. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Greedy git.

thewinterwitch · 28/12/2022 06:50

What a despicable man. Tell him to fuck off (again).

MintJulia · 28/12/2022 06:50

lovelilies · 28/12/2022 04:25

I'd get rid of him. Money grabbing, selfish and totally disrespectful.
Do NOT give him any of your money

This. He has revealed his true self.

LolaMoon · 28/12/2022 06:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hell would freeze over before I ever did something so ridiculous as that and it says everything about him. He's a parasite. I'd get rid of him- he's shown his true colours.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/12/2022 06:54

Parasite is an apt description.

Eddielizzard · 28/12/2022 06:54

WTAF!! I would seriously consider the future of the relationship.

Fleurdaisy · 28/12/2022 06:56

I’m sorry for your loss. Grief, as you say, is all encompassing and him taking advantage to nag us disgusting. Make sure he cannot get his hands on it.