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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).

226 replies

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21

I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.

I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 13:33

Wonder how long she's been an ex for? Cynical me also wonders if her moving closer will mean he can pop round to spend time with the kids there... the odd family meal etc....

Topseyt123 · 28/12/2022 14:46

I'm so sorry for your loss and I think you were absolutely right to tell your partner to get to fuck over this. He doesn't even seem to understand that your inheritance money is yours and not his. That is so disrespectful.

I'd be telling him to get to fuck and then stay there as he is showing his true colours now. Him effectively wanting YOU to buy a house for HIS ex to live in is all kinds of fucked up, whether or not she pays rent, and whether or not he tries to claim it is to facilitate contact with his child.

The inheritance is yours to do with as you wish. It is nothing to do with him and he needs a massive kick up the arse for thinking otherwise. Maybe he needs to become single again.

Couldyounot · 28/12/2022 14:50

I am sorry for your loss, OP. Your partner is miles offside with this. I would bin him off, in your position.

Topseyt123 · 28/12/2022 15:08

Notanotherone6 · 28/12/2022 08:48

A house would be a sensible investment and why shouldn't a dad want to be near his kids? I don't think it's totally bonkers, but I'd buy in your name only.

Utter bollocks.

OP is in a relatively new relationship of two years, even though they had been acquainted for a good 20 years before that.

Why should OP come under any pressure at all to house HIS ex and child nearby? Can you really not see any potential pitfalls to that?? Seriously!!?? It isn't all about the financial investment there either.

It is OP's money. She needs to take her time to process her feelings around her bereavement and come to a decision on what to do with the money in her own good time. She doesn't need constant pressure and chipping away at her from this man.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/12/2022 15:11

soon to be ex partner, surely?

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 28/12/2022 15:16

I would seriously be reconsidering this relationship

i really hope you look at this objectively as he he not supporting you emotionally which is a Red flag but even worse he is pushing onto you spending money on something that you have not asked for or benefit you in anyway.

I know this is difficult to hear but I think you know what to do

i couldn’t be with someone like that

Maray1967 · 28/12/2022 15:38

HomeTheatreSystem · 28/12/2022 04:37

Tell him that whilst for him, the money represents a cold investment opportunity, for you the money only came to you because someone you love died and you are still grieving their loss. He therefore needs to stop being so insensitive in banging on about what could be done with money that has associations for you of loss and grief. It is your business alone and you'll do what you want with it in your own good time, regardless of any perceived monetary "loss" incurred by not investing it right now. You will ask for his input as and when you want it, until then the subject is not open for discussion.

This nails it. Just repeat this, OP. It makes the really important point about your loss which he is trampling all over.

Whatdoyouthinkno · 28/12/2022 15:40

Time to call it quits. He sounds like a money grabbing bastard.

extrasushiplease · 28/12/2022 15:45

I couldn’t imagine ignoring/minimising my partner’s grief like this, let alone assume I’d have any say over their money. Tell him firmly that the topic is not up for discussion at this time. He should really be embarrassed by his behaviour.

When you’re feeling stronger, I gently recommend really reconsidering having them as a romantic/life partner.

StrawberryWater · 28/12/2022 16:04

Get rid of him.

He should be looking after you, not running around with pound signs in his eyes,

He’s a money grubbing bastard who thinks your inheritance is his to.

I bet if you did buy a house nearby for his ex and child for him to play happy families with he’d move back in with them. Gross.

Aleaiactaest · 28/12/2022 16:09

Look into Active Savings with Hargreaves Lansdowne. It is a savings platform and you can get relatively good interest rates if you invest in a range of 1-3 year savings bonds. That way the money is earning some interest at least- they also have full access ones across a range of banks and you get the full 85k protection per bank.
Then the money is doing something and you can deal with it properly when you are ready. I felt exactly the same when a parent died - it is perfectly natural.
As for the grabby partner, see how he reacts when you do the above. Then tell him it is yours and to never mention it again.

Jumbojade · 28/12/2022 16:32

Does he want his ex to live in the property free, instead of him paying Maintenance to her for his children?

In other words, you would be financing the Maintenance payments, instead of him!

TheYummyPatler · 28/12/2022 16:36

If he actually felt that he wasn’t close enough to his children… he’d have rectified that situation himself.

Sarahjaykay · 28/12/2022 20:37

My dp had many plans for my inheritance he is now my ex dp. And his plans weren't as cheeky! Bin him, now.

VestaTilley · 28/12/2022 20:41

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

YANBU - what a weirdo. He sounds manic. And buying a house with your money for his ex to live in. What??? Mad. No.

Alisondewy · 28/12/2022 21:05

YANBU

Idontgiveashitanymore · 28/12/2022 21:14

I’m sorry but you need to get rid of him, he’s obviously after your money

Welshmonster · 28/12/2022 21:23

Tell him you are going to donate to a charity close to your heart ❤️ and you don’t want to hear another word about it. At least you aren’t married.

Hopeistaysane · 28/12/2022 21:46

I find it totally disgusting that at one of the lowest moments in your life when you are grieving, that all your partner can think about is spending the money for his own advantage. I would be putting my foot up his a* and kicking it as hard as I could out the front door. He should be ashamed. I think you should screenshot some of the comments on this thread if he struggles to understand.

1HappyTraveller · 28/12/2022 21:51

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

YANBU

Please do not make any important decisions now. You need to grieve properly. He is not respecting that.

I would suggest that you leave them before you invest more time [and money!!!!] in to this relationship!

CallMeRachel · 29/12/2022 01:54

No way don’t let him spend YOUR inheritance on anything. A 2 yr relationship is still early days imo. Not married, so high risk.

His eyes will be on the prize now.

I’d be very wary of staying in a relationship where someone was so focused on spending my inheritance while I was consumed with grief.

hazelmurf · 29/12/2022 02:02

Cheeky b**d !
You need time to grieve first , not to be rushed into a decision.
Would you evict them if they didn’t pay the rent ? It’s just a downright bad idea .

Mentalpiece · 29/12/2022 02:28

The only thing I'd be giving him is the elbow.

Murdoch1949 · 29/12/2022 02:31

Settling aside the cheeky fucker wants you to provide a house for his ex & children (presumably they'd be paying market rent, why just another rented house then?), his lack of emotional intelligence is breathtaking. It's not a lottery win ffs, it's an inheritance linked to a loss. Dump him.

Marmitepot · 29/12/2022 16:42

Are you ok @allegraldn ?