MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I haven't voted, as clearly YANBU to be upset, BUT, I agree with virtually every other poster on this thread that you are being somewhat naïve here.

I would be surprised if you are able to become a foster carer when you have a toddler or even a small infant or junior aged child of your own. That said, I know they are desperate for foster carers so maybe rules have changed?

Your MiL is right to raise concerns. It seems an odd thing to bring up on Christmas Day, I have to say.

I grew up with foster siblings and hated it. Feeling danger and damage is what I remember, super stressful. Don't put that on your own child.

Lots of negative views here. My biggest gripe is with the perspective that you shouldn't foster when your own kids are small.

I remember my parents' reaction when we told them we were going to foster and it was similar to your description.

We started fostering babies when our youngest was 3 and went on to foster 10 children over the next decade. It was tough at times but it worked. We had a big impact on a number of children and are still in touch with some of them. They got to grow up in a normal family context. Our own kids struggled at times but it gave them great perspective and as older teenagers now they are so proud of what we achieved as a family; so am I.

OP you and your DH sound great. Go for it and don't be scared out of doing something amazing.

I did an AMA thread on this topic and will find a link if you're interested.

I work in this arena, I have the tools the skills and experience to foster.

But my child is only 8. I will not even think about it till he's 16+.

My concentration and priority needs to be my own child right now.

You sound like a good person OP that I don't doubt, but with sincerity and genuine heartfelt honesty, now is not the time for you and your family to explore this with a toddler in the house.

i thnk its selfish and not fair on your other kids sorry

I have a couple of friends who foster, so I do have an idea of what it's like and what goes on. And trust me when I say It's tough and it will be difficult for your children. That's a given! I have to agree with the mother. I'm all for fostering, but I don't think children should be dragged into it. If your children are all grown up, then by all means. I've seen first hand the damage and destruction it can cause to little children who have no choice in the matter. Fostering is not easy, and it takes its toll on everyone

I think your mil is right to have concerns.

I have a traumatic childhood and I am significantly further along my parenting journey than you.

you’re naive. I have had multiple trauma triggers throughout the last decade plus years of parenting. Most minor a manageable with support and didn’t impact on my SEN DC. We’re talking things like not being able to attend school plays because of events happening. Shutting down when dealing with an arsehole of a male headteacher despite me requesting female safeguarding lead etc.

my most recent trigger, my teen was diagnosed with adhd. That wasn’t the trigger. What was - I had been saying, demanding, fighting since my teen was three years old that there was something ‘wrong’. I was labelled every thing you can think from a bad parent to outright neglectful and not believed for years. Just like when I was a kid with my own abuse.

The very same people that didn’t believe my abuse (teachers) didn’t believe my child was ND and due to that my child missed significant portions of education, therapies and missed out on medication and is only likely to get 1s and 2s at GCSE.

I can’t even comprehend my rage about this failure of both me and my child. And it has come out of the blue and is leaving me right now despondent and in a state of lethargy. I am getting help.

You don’t know what will trigger you or when. It will hit out of the blue, it could be anything even how a child looks or smells or reacts. Being in a school. Dealing with a social worker could be stressful.

you will no doubt over-advocate for the child regardless of their best interests because you were that child. It happens. You’ll overlook things because you will want to do ‘right’.

if you want to help foster kids retrain. Become a family support worker or play therapist. Volunteer with your local authority to help child carers who are often neglected in some way but not unloved or abused. Keep your work at work not in your home.

OR given your childhood perhaps you could volunteer with adult support groups of teens coming out of care and embarking on adulthood. They really really need some adult focused but parental like guidance. You’ve been that child and know what they’re feeling and thinking better than say your DH.

I volunteered with adults who had been on old style special schools and/or care and were adults with limited reading, writing or maths skills and that was just as rewarding and breaking the cycles of childhood abuse and neglect.

I think this first reply is on the money to be honest. I feel the exact same.

I can understand why you would be upset. Myself and my husband were considering adoption at one point and my MIL said "oh our family don't adopt". Upsetting but honestly I don't put any credence on anything she says as she's always unkind and combative.

If you're ready and considered everything then don't let her opinion cloud your judgement.

Adoption is completely different to fostering. There is no comparison.

OP I think this is you

www.mumsnet.com/talk/fostering/4705809-birth-child-is-two-is-she-too-young-to-start-fostering

if so, you were a foster child yourself so no doubt are upset by your MIL’s reaction.

BUT - you need to do a lot more research. A lot. Speak to people, volunteer, read books, speak to some more people. You are coming across as incredibly naive.

Here is the AMA thread:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4602807-being-a-foster-carer-with-young-children-of-your-own?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share

Did you post about this yesterday?

Anyway your daughter is too young right now, she needs to be school age at least. For the moment you need to be focusing on her needs, not creating disruption she’s too young to understand. Most fosters caters I know have much older kids.

It’s an odd thing to announce on Christmas Day, as it’s pretty huge. I think your PIL are reacting to that, and the fact you don’t seem to have thought it through. They are right to be concerned, it’s a complex thing to take on. Ultimately your first duty is to your daughter.

My (adult) son's best friend lived with various foster children throughout his childhood. His parents still foster.

He said there was only one Christmas in his childhood where there were no foster children and he had more attention from his parents.

I wouldn't foster until my children were adults.

I was a foster carer for many years. If I was your MIL I would be dead against it too.
Children in care are not little orphans that you can scoop up and nurture until there is a happy ending- and it appears that you have that kind of romantic view. They're often very troubled, traumatised kids with gruelling contact and therapy needs and schedules. It wasn't unusual for me to be the other end of the county facilitating contact 5 days a week plus specialist therapy miles away.
I would absolutely not recommend it for anyone with children living at home. I loved and fought for my foster kids but I would absolutely not want them living with thus far untraumatised birth children.
Don't trust an agency or LA to tell you the truth, they'll often say anything to fill the gaps they have so your birth child could be put at risk.

I think if you find something as innocuous as a different opinion from your MILupsetting to the extent you need to start an MN thread about it, then no you are not yet ready to foster.
However I hope & believe the application process would highlight this to you.
Good luck in the future.

Not really comparable with a MIL saying ‘do you think you’ve considered every aspect of providing full time care for extremely traumatised children when you have just finished therapy for your own traumatic childhood triggered by the birth of your still very small child?’

I understand where you are coming from but surely every child is different? Some children needing fostering may be ‘troubled’, whereas others may not fit that label at all

When children are first removed from an abusive/neglectful homes, the issue is there is may be very little telling what needs those children may or may not have.

You definitely haven't thought it through and are extremely naive. My friend who is a single, childless career woman fosters and has two teenagers. The stories she tells would make your hair stand on end. Saying that she does an amazing job and helps make a difference to their lives. But she is a very strong, stable and warm person. She had a very nice, loving upbringing. No way would it be ok with your child and usually the foster child needs to be the youngest in the family by a good way. These children have a lot of behaviour and emotional issues that need experienced people dealing with them. Wanting to help is not enough. Mil is talking sense.

An ex colleague was sexually assaulted by an older boy that her parents were fostering. Not sure whether the rules have changed now to stop older boys being put with younger girls but from what she said of the experiences she had, not just the s.a (being bullied and hurt intentionally by a girl who was fostered too) it isn’t something anyone should consider putting their own children through.

If you are serious then surely there is plenty of time for you to foster after your dad has left home?

Exactly my thought. Very overly sensitive to a perfectly rational comment.

Also I’d say the overwhelming majority of kids removed from their parents will be troubled in some aspect. It’s shockingly naive to think they won’t be.

I think the mistake is basically thinking because you had an awful childhood you’ll relate to these life magically and can save little you through saving them. It doesn’t work like that. If the birth of your own daughter triggered the need for therapy what will bringing traumatised children into the home and trying to cope with their needs do? It’s selfish. These kids don’t exist as something to help give you closure.

I wouldn't do it.

Maybe once your kids are old enough to be independent.

The reason being, my daughter has major MH issues and has become convinced she had some sexual abuse that she doesn't remember. And one of her friends only found out they had unremembered sexual abuse when they had a gynae scan.

I had to go back through every childcare provider we had in the pre-school period to identify if any were risky. And they weren't.

But kids do stuff to each other that they don't even know is wrong. Foster kids may have had some horrendous experiences either from their biological parents or in care.

Whilst that is heartbreaking in itself, imagine if your biological daughter comes to you in 15 years time with a serious set of MH conditions and asks if there is anyone you had doubts about.

It's hard.

We were a foster family for a while when I was around 11-13. There were 4 of us siblings ranging from 6 - 15, then we had 3 different sets of foster children, 2 brothers in each set. The first time it went really well, with the children fitting in, and us adjusting to having extra children in the family. We got fairly close to them, and were happy when their mum's situation improved and they went back to her. Although I must say it way eye-opening for us when we realized what was normal for us wasn't for some of these children (manners, routine, diet, etc.)

The next children we received were definitely harder cases, with behavioral and developmental issues, most likely fetal alcohol syndrome. It did become more difficult for my parents, and eventually, not a good situation for the whole family, at which point my parents stopped fostering.

I have so much respect for foster parents; it is a tough job and you can't go in with rose coloured glasses. The fact that you had a troubled childhood gives you some perspective on the situation that some children are in. I commend you in your desire to help those in need, and your DH sounds very supportive.

But perhaps waiting until your toddler is a bit older might be the best thing all round. I'm sure there are support groups and counselling for foster parents; take advantage and learn as much as you can. I am grateful for the experience we had as a foster family, but I know my parents couldn't sustain it.