MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

There really is no upside for your child to you doing this.

None.

They will get less attention / emotional security and even if it is a perfect placement they will get attached to a child/children who then leave. That's if you get placements with no trauma or difficulty, which is extremely unlikely.

I think all this was obvious to your mother in law and she had the courage to voice it.

And I would immediately let go of any Cathy Glass delusions of gratitude and love and how you’ll be the saviour, because that’s just so unlikely. I (and most foster kids I knew) either resented foster carers or just saw them like social workers and teachers - one of many adults who were just there. You won’t be some magic figure who can love these troubled kids a little and turn them into wonderful little Disney kids.

You don’t seem resilient if you’re this upset over your MIL comments.

I'm a children's social worker.
I considered fostering but them I remembered my families disaster of an experience of it when I was quite young.
If I do it it will be when my dc, who I am responsible for, have left home.

There definitely are upsides for your own kids. Downsides too for sure but let's not be one sided about it.

With all due respect, and I’m being gentle, I don’t think you’re as confident & resilient as you feel you are as your MILS disagreement on this topic has clearly upset you.
Sadly, I agree with PPs; I don’t think this is right for you. Not now at least.

It’s unfair to expect your MIL to be instantly enthusiastic. This is a huge life step you are taking. She is worried about the impact on both the adults and child in your household. That doesn’t mean she won’t come around.

She may also be worried about herself and how she will deal emotionally with possibly getting attached to children that won’t be a permanent addition to the family.

I was drawn to fostering, but came to the realization pretty early on that I couldn’t handle sending kids back to homes where they might be abused. If you are stronger than I, I wish you and your family much success on your journey.

As part of the assessment the LA will ask if your family and friends are onboard with the idea, they need to see you have a strong support network and will want to interview your references including family member so your MIL opinions will form part of your overall assessment

You have a lot to learn about fostering and also about the assessment process to become a foster carer. They will delve into your childhood speak to previous partners speak to your mother. It's very intrusive. Good luck with the journey though, try to not be too defensive with your mother she raises some good points.

What would be the upside for a toddler (whose mother has already required therapy to help deal with her birth) to share her home with traumatised children who will need extreme levels of attention and care at all times? How would the toddler benefit from her mother providing this level of care and attention to traumatised children, while possibly being triggered in her own mental health again?

I honestly think that the best people in your life are not your 'yes' people, I.e the ones who will be open and honest with you, and I think she may well just be voicing honest concerns here, whilst looking out for you and your family.

She's only voicing her concerns, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Your MIL is right. You're upset because you know she is.

My DH and I had to undergo the whole fostering paper work to take our own grandchildren.

the eldest 2 have seperation anxiety and some behavioural issues. They need therapeutic parenting. These are my own grandchildren and I have to do extra training to make sure they grow up as mentally healthy as possible.

the process getting there in the first place is exhausting.

they will literally inspect your life. My children were all interviewed. Our ex partners. My employers.

we had to have medicals, then answer the questions as to why I’m on anti depressants. So ‘not appreciating your past being used’ is something you need to work past fast because they want to know all about it, and how it would affect your ability to do the job.

Then panel, where you’re asked all sorts of questions by a bunch of ‘important’ people.

be under no illusions it’s a long process.

I'd foster if I didn't have to work and my own DC were over 18. I'd treat it as a full time job. I know several lovely fostered kids and carers who seem well adjusted on the face of it but these kids have so many issues to deal with.

All children in foster care will be "troubled." They have experienced severe trauma. I say this as someone who was removed along with my siblings into care.

I am also an adoptive parent to a child with trauma. If your daughter triggers you, trust me a child with trauma will trigger you in ways you can't imagine.

I spent years being physically attacked by my son. My saving grace is I had worked with kids and kids with special needs. Also my trauma response is to shut down which in ways made the meltdowns bearable.

I think you are being sweet but also naive.

I was abused as a child but losing my insane biological family was an entirely different trauma.

I’m sorry to agree with other posters, but your daughter is young and I knew a family friend who fostered and their own child was sexually abused by a young foster child. I just can’t shake that risk off.

Your MIL is right. Wait until your DD is much older. A friend fostered when their DC turned 18. It wasn’t easy then, but at least their bio child was a young adult. Fostering when you have a toddler seems…..idealistic….like you haven’t really considered what it entails and how much attention would be taken from your DD. Why do that? She’ll need a lot of input from you over her childhood.

Sorry but I don’t think your motivation is coming from the right place. I think you’re using your heart but not your head.

OP would presumably be fostering younger children, ie babies, so not traumatised or needing more care than babies in general (apart from contact arrangements). Growing up in a family that fosters has big benefits. You get perspective. You never get spoiled. You get to be proud of having been involved in an amazing thing that transformed lives.

You can see I am quite evangelical about fostering. I'm not saying it's easy on birth kids. But we have to see both sides and it can be formative in a really positive way too.

Yep a lot of children in foster care have been sexually abused, and are much more likely engage in sexual abuse towards other children. It’s too risky.

Please do not let the negative comments put you of. I was a foster carer before I had my own children and felt it was a fantastic and rewarding job. Every child is different and it is unpreditable.

The training you get is intense the LA will guide you on the best suited age ect. I would start of with respite care to get a feel for it.

Stay positive we need more caring people like you in the world

I don’t think it’s a case of “if” the children will have some sort of problem, I think it’s inevitable. They’re in the care system because something has gone very wrong and to bring that into your home with a very young child I think is insane. So I’m with your MIL.

My knowledge is limited, but it's a mix of people that will vary, all the best op

Babies fostered from a very young age are not traumatised (excepting foetal alcohol syndrome or similar). And that is what the OP would likely be dealing with at first.

I think your mil is wiser than you.