MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

Well from one abusive childhood experiencer to another, after reading your post, my advice, bluntly: don't. Reading through your post makes me come to my personal conclusion that I don't think you're the right person to be doing something like this, not now.

She may have a point. It’s worth considering that she has your best interest at heart.

Honestly? She's probably being realistic and thinking about the potential for negative impact on your daughter.

I think you'd be better waiting until your daughter is significantly older.

Is it the first time you’ve mentioned it to her?
If it’s the sort of thing that seems like it has come from nowhere I can see why she might assume there are parts of it you haven’t considered fully.

@Keyansier If not now then when? Having my DD did bring up some underlying trauma but I’ve have since had trauma focused therapy. I’m stable, happy, confident and resilient.

If you have a young child, then maybe she's right? It would be difficult to put all your energy into caring for a foster child as well as looking after your own toddler.

I think you’re not wrong to be upset but at the same tone, I don’t think she’s wrong to have concerns about your daughter. Your primary responsibility is to her, and having foster children with additional and complex needs in the house has the potential to have a significant negative impact on her life. Is it something you could wait to do until she’s grown up?

I work in child protection and would be very nervous fostering troubled children with a younger vulnerable child in the same home. I think she has a point

I doubt you'll be approved with your background, too triggering for you. And she's right this will either take up most of your attention or could be dangerous for your little girl. Foster parents need to be all in and not as their own therapy.

I mean, she isn't wrong.
Foster children can be 'troubled'. She is probably concerned about potential impact on your own DC.
Fostering can also be very rewarding.
It's easy to look at fostering through rose tinted glasses (we have a lot of love to give and will provide a great home for children that need it) but it's not all rainbows and you need to think about the potential impact of how you and your family would feel about any difficult situations if they arise.

When applying, depending on LA, you can sometimes specify to take the 'easier' children for lack of a better word. Or you can just do respite care, which is care for a week or two whilst main foster carers have a breather or go on holiday.

Ultimately it is not up to her.

I am open to waiting.

It sounds like she's probably worried about the impact on your biological child, her grandchild. I wouldn't bring a vulnerable child with potential attachment/behavioural/mental health issues into my existing child's home. In my view, it wouldn't be fair on her. But people do and in some cases, I'm sure it works out really well.

Have you spoken to all the family about what you'd do in different hypothetical situations? Maybe they just need some reassurance that your little one won't be affected by various vulnerable children coming and going.

As a foster carer I would wait until your DD is older too. Our LA like any child who comes into a foster home to be the youngest child by at least two years.

You're looking at this through rose tinted glasses when your MIL is probably right.
Reading your OP I just think you shouldn't do it

I do think there needs to be more foster carers in the world and see no harm in you applying. The process is very thorough and will open your eyes to every eventuality and give you access to other carers and their experience.

It can and should be rewarding not all children are difficult. A lot of children want to be loved and to feel safe and secure.

Don’t let people put you off, keep an open mind and do your research.

We desperately need good foster carers, but it isn't a role without challenges.

Dp grew up in a family who were foster carers and he is very clear about how damaging it was for him to bond with a strong of siblings who then left after a few months or a year, what it was like to share a house with very challenging children and be on guard all the time.

I once thought I wanted to be a foster carer, but I now won't consider it until my biological dc have left home.

I would also agree it's better to wait until your daughter is older.
I think there are guidelines around minimum age gaps aren't there? Presumably taking account of the needs of the other children in a potential foster carer's home. Your mil is probably concerned about your dd, which is valid tbh. Maybe chat to her about it, hear what she has to say.

I expect she's concerned because she loves you and loves your dd and fears that you may be bringing trouble into your home. That doesn't mean you are BU to go ahead but I can understand her concern. Remember that most lay people have little understanding of fostering and what it entails - you (hopefully) know more than she does already, and as you go through the training and selection process you will learn more and understand more. But most people don't have that sort of insight and either have lots of negative preconceptions, or (equally annoying) an overly rosy view of what's involved.

I would never ever use a vulnerable child as some kind of misguided therapy for myself.

And repeating that you're happy, stable and resilient for a second time in as many posts screams to me that you aren't.

I work in the LA with children in care and foster carers. I would strongly urge you to wait until your DD is much older before applying. All children who become looked after have been through abuse or sustained neglect or both. They all have huge trauma and can present with massively challenging behaviour which will have a huge impact on your family. It is an incredible thing to be a carer and I intend to do it myself in future, but only when my own DCs are at university or beyond.

My friend decided to foster to earn extra money during lockdown. She ended up with a teenager who bought boys back to the house at all hours of the day.

One of them left an E laying about which her 2 year old ate, it was touch and go for about a month.

Fostering is not roses at all, it's really fucking hard and you need to be in a situation that your own child doesn't need your 100% attention.

Maybe not knowingly, but well-adjusted people don't tend to think it's a good idea to bring vulnerable, troubled children into the lives and homes of their toddlers.

On a different note, I don’t see why you give a shit what she thinks about it? She’s entitled to her opinion, she wasn’t being rude about it, just honest with her thoughts. Some people are like that (I’d be more likely to worry privately).